Betrayed. How to get over this and save the relationship
Hi everyone. I am new here and desperate for an answer. I'll explain first. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost six months. Although that doesn't seem long, everything moved rather fast, everything was intense and we've been living together for a while now. We both have a background of abuse (me only emotionally) and have trust and abandonment issues. From day one my boyfriend acused me of cheating. As I took his past into consideration, I explained him every day why I wouldn't and that I would never be a cheater, and that in fact, I have been cheated on quite a lot, so that is something that would not even enter my mind. Paranoid as he is, his mind played tricks on him. After a few months, I felt the relationship was perfect. I finally learned to trust him, learned to give myself completely and we were even immediatly talking about every problem and solving them together. At that point he decided that he had enough of being hurt (by his paranoid mind thinking I was cheating with friends, collegues and strangers) he decided to take revenge on me. He chatted with a (female) friend and told her he wouldn't mind having sex with her if I wasn't his girlfriend. He left his computer open for me to see when I got back from work. I feel so hurt that I have been crying ever since. I have worked so many years on my selfconfidence after being told by my father on a daily basis how ugly fat and stupid I was. My bf knew that. When I read that, I felt like I was less than nothing, that I was less than her and too ugly to come outside. I feel that it is cheating to even suggest such things. That would never entered my mind. I don't know if I just caught him being stupid, or if what he tells is true: he tried to hurt me for cheating on me (which I ofcourse never did! and would never do). I love him, but nowadays, I want to hurt him too. I love him too much to do that ofcourse. But he makes me so angry. We had something perfect and now, all I can think about is her, and me reduced to less than she is. How can I get over this? I feel like he destroyed everything. I can't even dream about our future anymore.
First off, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through, honest. That's a terrible thing to have to go through but there is a really good way to bring yourself back up.
I believe you should first talk to him. Whether it be a heated argument, or a chill conversation, just talk about it. Ask him WHY he said that to her and make a conclusion based on his answer. In retrospect, don't settle for a bullshitted answer either. If he says "It didn't mean anything" or "forget about it" don't stop the conversation. A lot of the reasons why relationships don't work is because people don't ask their partners why they made the decisions they did. After you get a reasonable answer that works for you, at least, try taking a day (or if you can't stand to have a lack of contact just a few hours) to think about how the reasoning makes you feel, and if it's something you can change in yourself to avoid this in the future. Remember: it's not always going to be your fault. But be honest with yourself. Your relationship can still work, definitely, but be willing to hear something you don't want to hear. As well, if the reasoning doesn't make enough sense to you, don't try to turn it into a good reason. You have to take what he GIVES you and make a conclusion from there.
Oh yea, don't worry, you're lovely and if you're on this website, you have a beautiful heart that deserves happiness and nothing less!
Thank you so much for your answer KRYSDUB
I did ask him why. He gave me two answers: 1.because I thought you cheated on me, and I wanted to hurt you, on the other hand, I tried to chear her up for not having sex for a while. 2.I really don't get you, how can this have hurt you so much?
I also got the promise he would never do that again. But if he doesn't get it, how can he promise not to do that again? So I conclude that: he was just being a complete idiot and he did not mean to hurt me that much. Or, he meant everything and is playing mindgames. I just know that this is going to blow up in my face. I am willing to give it a try and give him a fair chance but it will be anything but easy.