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How do you say no?

Posted by
on Nov 6 2013 at 21:03
Member since: 05 May 2013
Relationship advice This spring, I had gotten into a relationship with a girl who was verbally abusive, and made me feel as if I was not what she wanted in a relationship. We broke up, and I realized that I wanted to get into a relationship with someone who would actually show me affection and love me all the time. I found someone online who said she was very touchy and always showing affection (just what I was looking for!) and the site said we were a great match! So I asked her about herself and it turned out, we both went to the same school! We started hanging out, and we both progressed through the stages EXTREMELY QUICKLY (no exaggeration) and now I have a problem... From the very beginning, I wasn't attracted to her physically, and I didn't want to be shallow, so I chose to not make that a big deal. But, honestly, the only thing I like about her is that she shows me physical attention (playing with hair, and things like that. we also disagree when it comes to the sexual part of a relationship). Everything else about the relationship makes me feel more and more that I can't accept a relationship with her. The only time I smile around her is when she touches me lightly and stuff like that (which is most/all of the time), and I need help! I don't want to be in a relationship with her, but more than that, I don't want to make her sad! She has had a shaky past when it comes to relationships and she has been upset because she has really been trying to get a boyfriend for two years, and no guys even were interested in her! I really care about her, and I actually do love her, I just can't stomach down the idea of tying myself to her... I really don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP ME.
How do you say no?
Reply from
on Nov 7 2013 at 05:19
Member since: 06 November 2013
Hi Mr.E,

I was in a similar situation with someone once... I felt alone and longed for attention... the right kind of attention, the physical aspect (im not refering to sex)... Im referring to the simple acts of caressing my face, massaging my ears, and playing with my hair... etc. Are you familiar with Harry Chapman's book called the 5 love languages??? If not, i would highly recommend familiarizing yourself with the 5 love languages. You will learn what type of love you seek and show. To me it sounds like you are the "physical touch" type of love language.

I do not think you are being shallow at all. If you arent attracted to her... you arent attracted to her. Its unfortunate that she shows you the kind of love that you like and you arent attracted to her. I truly believe you need to be attracted to someone inside and out in order to be with them. I have had occasions where i am not physically attracted to a guy however when I get to know their personality, they become more and more physically attractive. Seeing as you are still not physically attracted to her i suggest you end things with her.

If you cant imagine the idea "of tying yourself to her", you really need to end it. You arent doing yourself or her any favours by staying in a relationship with her. I think it is inevitable at this point that you are going to hurt her. You owe it to yourself to find true happiness and a relationship that makes you feel complete in all aspects. Additionally, the longer you stay with the harder it will be for both of you when it ends. If you truly care for her, you should end it and not let her get any deeper (emotionally) into a relationship with you.

I hope this helps... and goodluck

How do you say no?
Reply from
on Nov 7 2013 at 13:27
Member since: 07 November 2013
Hi Mr. E

I was in a similar relationship a couple of years ago with a guy that loved me sooo much and gave me everything I ever needed, he caressed me, adored me, and I loved him to bits but the attraction just was not there and that made it difficult for me.

I broke it off after a couple of months, and a year later we became good friends.

I never found what I was looking for again, whereas he, the loving man that he is, found a new girl, got married, and they are expecting their first child.

Leaving him was one of the biggest mistakes I made. I am in a unhappy relationship with a man that I was sooo attracted to, but he abuses me mentally and doesn't even say he loves me any more.

Attraction doesn't last forever - what matters is whether you're compatible on other levels as well. The "honeymoon" phase (the attraction and butterflies and wobbly knees when you see them) doesn't last forever anyway, and what will you be left with? In this case, at least a loving woman that gives you everything you need.

What if you're 50 years old? You won't be attracted to a 50 year old woman like you will to a 25 year old - but what will you have?

My suggestion is - stick with it. You can grow to love someone, and seeing all the good in her will make her the most attractive person you ever met. The love she's showing, is worth a lot more in years to come than physical attraction right now.

Best of luck - L

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