I feel so lonely
While I was growing up my parents were both alcoholics and for that reason I never really made relationships with them. I never have actual conversations with them. My dad would come home from work all day then immediately start drinking vodka. He'd usually take me with him to his friends houses and on the weekends he'd basically just take me to the places he goes to. I remember when he's stop to get his vodka and he'd get cranberry juice and then ask for a 1/5 of sky vodka, the total would always come to $19.96 which is my birthday. Even though we spent a good amount of time together I never developed a real relationship with him. My mom would just drink wine coolers during the day and I guess the same story with her. Now I'm almost 17 and have realized how much this had effected my social skills. When I was a kid I just tried to stay quiet to keep my dad from yelling at me. So I guess I'm just a quiet person now. My parents stopped drinking about when I turned 16 and then got divorced right after. I'm not socially awkward, I have plenty of friends and I'm a funny guy with them. Just when I'm with my parents I'm just a completely different person. There is nothing more in the world I want than a girlfriend. I've know this one girl for about 7 years and we were very close at times. I love her so much and think about her every day. She is still the only person that I can talk to about anything. We had always been close and sometimes watched movies under a blanket and cuddled when we were like 14. But now she's a senior and has had many boyfriends. I just never worked up the courage to ask her out. Mostly because I just never had confidence in myself that I could be a good boyfriend. I have always told her that I love her and I have told her that I like her. But I guess I missed my chance because I can sense that she's slowing drifting away from me, we still hang out a lot but she doesn't get close to me anymore. If our feet touch when we're on the couch she pulls away, she doesn't sit close to me anymore. One of the only things that gave me a little happiness in life is when we would sit on the couch together and our legs would be all tangled and we would talk for hours. But now she sits either on a different couch than me or a good distance away from me. She doesn't flirt with me really anymore and our conversations aren't as good. I wish my life could just reset and I could have been raised by parents that love each other and I could get a example of love. I wish I had gotten the chance to have a relationship with my parents. Anyway this girl goes to college next year and I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I wish We were still as close as we were, I wish I knew how to be a boyfriend so I could ask her out and we could be a cute couple that falls asleep together. I have never had a girlfriend yet, never kissed a girl, i haven't kissed anything since I was 10 and would kiss my mom goodnight. Over the years of being this girls best friend and having a huge crush on her while she dates these other boys I have become very depressed and always have a lonely feeling. I'm just sad all the time. This is a combination of this girl and my family problems. I've been having suicidal thoughts for about 3 years and have concluded that after my parents pass if I'm still alone and I don't see my life heading anywhere I will probably kill myself. I've had to deal with isolation all my life and I really need someone to talk to and love soon. I see my friends with girlfriends all happy and then I look at myself and wonder what do they have that I don't. Why didn't I date her when I had the chance, why can't someone show me what happiness is. The only reason I'm writing this is because I have nobody to talk to, people will probably read this and think "wow he just feels bad for himself and wants attention." I guess I do feel bad for myself that I had to go through this shitty childhood. Just imagining what life would be like right now if my parents never been alcoholics makes me cry. I usually cry once or twice a week when I think about this girl or my parents. I just hope that at some point in my life I find someone to love that loves me back. Maybe it'll even be this girl I've been talking about. Maybe one day I'll change and gain confidence to ask a girl out, i can't imagine tying to go through life alone. I would rather just die and hopefully get another chance in my next life.
I know exactly what you are talking about. But trust me, by the time you are 30, you will realize that you should have dealt with this at a much earlier age. The fact that you know what the problem is, makes the solution much easier. You need to make a decision to not let your parents mess you up. Give them excuses and get over it. Build your own life. Follow your own dreams. Be busy. And as for the girl you know, maybe it sounds harsh but it is much better to be with someone who doesn't know about your baggage because sooner or later, they will use it against you. And it will hurt so much more than you can imagine. Girls come and go. Guys come and go. But your self worth and self esteem is what you need to focus on. When those are there, girls would find you more attractive and it will be much easier for you to be in a healthy relationship.