Struggling with my idenity... I can't even see 'me'
My name is Chloe Ferne I was born on the 8th June 1996. I am at this moment in time studying Business BTEC and Photography at a Sixth Form in Crowthorne Beriskhire in England. I have medium cut hair, I dye it… It is dark purple but to me it looks brown. I have blue eyes, people have complemented me on saying there beautiful. I don’t see that, not really…
Days come and go where I get up and each time I get changed, I look in the mirror, I was okay till my mum put glass wardrobe up, so every time I wake up I see my body, my face, my eyes, my legs, my arms, my hands, my hips, my breasts. Everything… and I remember that people don’t see me how I see myself, and I doubt they ever will.
Since as long as I can remember I’ve had this feeling inside of me, it is reflected in dreams, ideas. I never see me when I want to achieve my goals, or at least, I just see a blurred outline which repersents me. That figure sometimes is female, with hips, boobs whatever else… but sometimes its male… and most of the time its neither, a mix of both or just undecribale.
That’s what I see when I look in the mirror to… I can see my self as the girl I am (or think I am)… as the boy I see myself as in my dreams, happy and safe, no problems no sitiuations… just me… and then just a mix of the two… I don’t know what to call how I feel not really many thoughts and feelings have raced through my mind…. Do I want to change my gender? Do I even fit a gender… the images change everyday in my head and what I see, sometimes the figure is fat, which stops me eating cause I believe I am fat, sometimes its skinny and I eat as much as I can.. sometimes its feminin, or masculine… profile is the most intresting… things growing thing reducing, I can see that clear as day when I look at myself… sometimes I wonder if I know at all what my body even looks like. Am I actully pretty? Fat? Thin? The ony thing I know is my hair and my eyes, which is why there the things I seem to care about so much. when someone complements my hair or my eyes, I feel good but about the clothes I wear, if I look slim or fat or whatever. It just confuses me even more.
Non-Binary am I that? I dress feminin because it’s the only thing I’ve known, dresses when I need to, leggings. Sometimes when I look at myself in them I feel like im in the wrong thing, or even in the wrong body because the clothes fit me when I think they shouldn’t. that again if I see the real me in the mirror.
I’ve thought of having a name change, Chloe is such a femine name. but I’ve had so many people complement me saying it’s a lovely name that it really suits you… that confuses me even more… if the name suits me shouldn’t I keep it? But then I know they don’t know how I feel, only one or two people know about this and this is because I trust them enough to tell them, I belive they will understand and accept me no matter what, just as I accpet them no matter what.
I’ve also thought what would happen it I changed gender… went through trans surgry to become a guy or at least more masculine, but then I don’t know how pepople would accept me, I know some people who wouldn’t natrually and I know some who will care about me as a friend no matter what.. but then the question still remains… when part of the time I see myself as a male, part of my time female but most of it a mix of the two… I shouldn’t completely change because.. if I see myself like that a mix, doesn’t it mean there part of the femine side that I do actaully like.
When it comes to datnig I don’t care about what someone is like I just look at there personality there likes, dislikes just them. Because I cant see who I am I never judge someone by how they look, if I did I’d feel like a hypocrite. I wouldn’t care who I’d date. If it’s a girl, boy, trans mtf, trans ftm, asexual, tomboy or no-binarry. I don’t care, as long as they like me, care about me, love me, accept me for how I feel insdie as well as if I chose to change anything in the future. I love being Chloe sometimes, things that have happened wouldn’t of happened to me if I wasn’t Chloe Ferne from Crowthorne. I wouldn’t be where I am now, I could be worse if I wasn’t Chloe or I could be better things that have happened which have hurt me might of not happened. It’s so confusing but I cant think what if? Cause I was born Chloe Megan Ferne. If I change that in the future that is up to me, but all I see is a blured figure in the mirror and that confuses the shit out of me! Anyone? Suggestions? Am i Accepted in this world or am i a freak? x
nothing wrong with your body.you suffer from poor self esteem,build your confidence,be positive,exercise and eat right,have fun.People who like you will always accept you nomatter what,dont get stressed out