Dad is cheating on my mom, not sure what to do :/
So I know that there's a lot of other posts out there about this but I just felt like I needed to type my own situation and get a direct response to it. Can't actually believe I'm having to do this but I've just found out that my Dad has been cheating on my mom for a few months now, I've suspected it for awhile now because he goes away on business trips around the world a lot and he has to travel to Brazil regularly, and since his first few visits, his behavior has kind of changed.
Most notably I noticed that he started staying up late at night, until around 2 AM in the morning texting on his phone (I'm a night owl xD) I casually asked him "Who are you having a texting war with this late at night" in a casual, joking manner to see his response and he quickly became very defensive
about it, saying it wasn't a texting war. He then fashioned a story about how he was texting business clients in America and went on a rant about work, but I knew it was false because I saw across at the screen and it was continuous short messages of a few words that doesn't match with business correspondence. He was also very protective and secretive over his phone contents, covering the screen when I went nearby.etc
That behavior struck me as strange so I waited for him to go to bed and decided to check on his ipad which was of course linked to his Iphone (Apparently there are some opinions that say that I'm in the wrong for snooping), and I came across an app called Badoo which seems to be a social media/dating site and he has a profile and has been talking to a number of different women in Brazil, where he's been visiting a lot. At first it seemed to just be intelligent conversation about things he's interested in, which isn't okay in my books but isn't necessarily cheating.
Anyway, I decided to ignore it at that point but since then things seemed to have escalated. He bought an expensive camera recently claiming it was for a worker in Brazil, but it seemed odd, especially knowing that he's been talking to women and he's just recently rented a house over there for when he goes there for work and he was extremely adamant that he needed it to be delivered before he went back to Brazil, as if it was life and death if he couldn't take it with him. He also purchased a multiple sim card tool for his iphone which lets him use brazilian simcards/have a brazilian number, his reasoning was that it was so he didnt have to pay roaming charges whiles calling his brazil business contacts whilst over there, but that makes no sense since his company pays his phone bills and isnt concerned with the cost.
This brings me to yesterday. He was showing me something on his phone and a notification came up from Badoo again and he was flustered and quick to get rid of it, which got me suspicious all over again, so when he went to bed I checked his Ipad again, and knowing his passwords logged into his Badoo account and email address, and that's when I found out for sure that he's cheating. I've found chat logs going back months with this woman. The camera was for her and he also bought her an ipad. He tells her he loves her more than anything and that he thinks of her every moment and that he has a plan to be with her. There's also messages about them having had sex multiple times and I know that he's going back to Brazil next week and has plans to meet up with her again on the 8th of December.
I don't honestly know what to do about it, because I know I can't ignore it but I have this 24/7 feeling of nausea since I found out. My mom has absolutely no idea and she's talking about how its their 25th wedding anniversary next year, she's really excited about it and its pretty much ripping me apart because I know that if she ever found out it would absolutely decimate her for the rest of her life and I don't want to be the one to cause that so I'm trapped in a really difficult position because I can't even look at or talk to my dad without a burning resentment right now, and he's acting completely normal whilst leading a double life.
I have two older brothers who have both moved out who have no idea either, so me bringing this to light could essentially rip the whole family apart and I don't want to be responsible for that (Even though I know the only one to blame is my dad)
Sorry that this is so long, feels good to rant my feelings out kind of to another person x.x I just can't believe its actually happening and that my mom, who does literally everything for my dad, and me and my brothers aren't good enough for him, it honestly disgusts me.
I'd really appreciate any help and advice or just wise words in general because I really do not have any idea what to do. Should I get my two brothers together and tell them about it so the three of us can deal with it together?
Thanks in Advance.
Hello, there. I would like to apologize for my english in advance, because I'm not really very good at it..... Also, I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this, it's indeed a complicated situation. I don't know what is the best solution for you and your family, but by the way you described the situation, it seems your dad is going through lots of problems. Maybe, you should talk to him openly about all this? He will probably be pissed at you, but maybe he really needs to talk about this with someone. I don't know, it depends on you. You should know better what to do. Sometimes, the best is to do nothing and see what happens...
Hope things get better for you and your family. - H
I think the first thing you need to do is tell your mother.. First off , she has a right to know the truth, as hard as it's going to be.
Affairs are a very selfish choice that some choose to make in life. Your father is choosing to be selfish, while in what sounds to me like a mid-life crisis. I'm not sure the age of your father , but unfortunately with 25 years of marriage it sounds like that's exactly where he would be in mid-life.
I understand its going to be one of the most difficult things you do in life, but this must be done, meaning telling your mother . There is no reason in the world she should be in the dark about her 25 year marriage. She can then choose from there if she wants to reconcile and work on the marriage or wants to leave your father. I'm very pro marriage, but in some cases, marriage's just cannot be fixed. Please do that first and then i will look for your message to further help you and your mother on what to do next... Praying for you and your family! Kym
Hey guys, thanks for your replies. @H, your English is actually very good and I appreciate the advice and kind words. @Kym, my dad is 54, so I suppose it could very well be a midlife crisis, not that it justifies cheating in anyway.
Today I overheard them arguing because I suppose my dads lies are unraveling around him, I overheard him talking to my mom about his business trip to Brazil and he tried to conceal the truth within a lie by saying that he did meet up with a woman but that nothing happened and that she was with her husband, but I suppose my mom is suspicious because she was crying and accusing him of cheating and such, but my dad started pleading with her that he "swore on his kids life" that he hadn't cheated. That disgusts me that he'd use me and my brothers like that, especially when it isn't true, and he managed to manipulate my mom into believing him. The worst thing is that he was saying that "He couldn't wait to go to bed and hold my mom in his arms" which I know from reading his messages with the woman he's cheating with that this is EXACTLY what he told her. It made me want to throw up. Just can't believe he'd throw away 25 years with a woman who does everything for him for a woman who he can't even talk to properly without using google translate. He's also buying this woman expensive gifts and such. I also found out today by reading more of the messages that he's bought her an Iphone and has now left her his credit card so she can pay off her personal debts. He hasn't bought my mom anything nice in years, so I definitely believe my mom deserves to be with somebody who doesn't treat her like trash.
I've also been given advice that I should by no means tell my mom and to take the secret to the grave if I have to, because it'll decimate her emotionally, and I know that's true. She was in tears tonight just from the idea that my dad might cheat, so finding out that he was would ruin her, but I agree that she has a right to know.
I think I just need to be brave enough to talk to my dad about it first and foremost, as far as I'm concerned, me and him will never have a normal relationship again, I'm ashamed and disgusted to even call him my father but I'll make the sacrifice to protect the rest of my family from the truth because it has hit me hard and I don't want that to happen to them too.
I'm going to talk to my dad and offer him the chance to end his cheating on his own terms by telling the woman he's cheating with that he has a wife and kids and that he can't see her anymore (Because I suppose she's as much a victim in all this as we are since he hasn't told her any of that,) and then I'll give him the chance to explain things to my mom himself and to delete all his online cheating accounts, otherwise I'm going to email the woman myself and then tell my mom whats going on. God knows he doesn't deserve me doing that much, but I want to protect my mom and brothers as much as I can from his selfishness.
Not sure if that's the best plan of action or not but taking everyone's advice into mind seems to be the best course of action since I'm so lost on what to do.
I'm really grateful for everyone's advice and support, and I guess since I can't talk to him until tomorrow night I have time to think on it, but I'm open to more advice on the updated situation none the less :/
Thanks so much once again.