Unsure what to do, urgent!
Me (22) and my boyfriend (27) have been together near 3 years, living together about 2 and half years. From the moment his parents heard he was speaking to a female, before we even started talking about a relationship, they disliked me. They hated his 2 previous girlfriends and so from the moment they heard of me, they hated me as well. They have never met me. After dating for 2 months, his parents threw him out of the house as he refused to leave me and so we ended up moving in together as he couldn't afford to live on his own. We were fine together, but his parents have been interfering, leaving abusive and nasty voicemails on our home phone (resulting in use needing to change phone numbers), they have spread slanderous stories about me around our town which are false, they have gave him constant abuse, blackmailing him, his mother even going as far as to ring him at work threatening to kill herself. I've also been rather ill, at one point having suspected cancer. His mother heard about this and coming close to Christmas last year made the comment to my boyfriend of "Sure, you told us she had cancer and wasn't going to live to Christmas, the best present you could ever get me!". He never said this and she then proceeded to call me and him liars. She does this a lot, twisting words and stories to suit her own needs. He would walk away from them but he has a 13 years old sibling who he loves dearly and doesn't want to leave behind or allow this to happen to as well. Here is the crux of my dilemma, the past few months have been horrendous, myself and my boyfriend have been arguing non stop, he just wants his parents to at least meet me, to try and path things up but they refuse and it's really getting him down but he refuses to go to his doctors or seek counselling for the situation. He won't allow the Christmas tree to go up as "it reminds him of family and he doesn't have that", which has hurt me greatly as I've been there for him during all of this which has been difficult for me, especially whilst being ill and the decorations we use on the tree have been collected from things we have done and places we have been so there is deep sentimentality to it. He refuses to talk about the situation any more, constantly makes remarks of how he can't go on anymore with this, how he has nothing to live for, how he's never happy and nothing except his family will make him happy, all of which are hurting me greatly. I've tried everything to help him, to make him happy but nothing is working and i'm getting to a point where I feel I can no longer cope with this, the constant comments, the lack of getting help. I love him with all my heat and can see a future with him, but I feel like I'm getting no where as there is nothing I can do to help the situation with his parents as all they want is for him to leave me and go back home. Should I stay and keep trying to get him to take help, or should I leave? There is much more to this situation involving his family but this is a general overview. I admit that there are things myself and my boyfriend have done which haven't helped the situation but we have always held our hands up to this. Any advice anyone can give will be greatly appreciated, I'm completely lost.
I must admit it was a very long message so I didn't read all of it properly.
I'm sorry you are having so many problems.
I think you need to consider how much you love him. You are asking if you should leave, he left his family for you and I think that deserves your support. I'm not saying he should not be doing several things to but I firstly want to advise you. You cannot control his parents actions. I am not at all aware of why any parent would do that to their child. But fundamentally they are who they are. I am unaware of how you have tried to tackle the situation and as a psychologist I would suggest that you maybe try to meet with his parents on your own. Maybe a letter is the best form of communication (it forces listening) both you and his parents love your partner and it's his best interests you should both have in mind. You should ask them why it is they don't like you, why they felt it necessary to throw him out, let them know how their son is being effected by this. But be very aware that you must try to write as politely as possible as words can be read in a different context and if they thing you are blaming they won't hear what your concerns are. If they agree to meet, listen to all their concerns, this is the hardest part of all. They may call you names, shout etc but the best way to deal with it is to pretend you are not you and you are listening to someone who is truly hurt, you may not share the same opinions as them but more than anything if you can hear them and try your best to understand them things will resolve much quicker and when it is your turn to speak keep the tone quiet and kind, take a breath before each sentence, ask them to please listen if they interrupt, remind them you listened to them. Do not take your partner with you that will fuel things, try to keep your emotions calm, maybe write what you want to say.
Advice for your partner: it seems he is very hurt being stuck between you. He chose you. You can lose track sometimes and you are not in debt to him but reminding him of why he left for you will help his happiness. No one can replace parents and one day it may be too late to resolve. If he is hurt by things such as putting up the Christmas tree, say ok, leave it for a bit so you can think then find a good time to calmly ask why he feels this way and how it effects you. He's hurt, men very seldom seek help for their emotional problems and don't like to talk about their feelings, it may be easier when you notice something to subtly suggest how he feels, for example "don't want to put up the Christmas tree" and you'd reply "I understand you may be hurt by putting up the Christmas tree because of the difficulties you are having with your parents".
Arguing is no good for anyone there is nothing better than someone who can effectively listen.
Please let me know if there's anything else I can say to help.