I need advice on what to do about a marriage gone bad. I have been married 16 years to my twin flame. He had been an alcoholic for 27 years (including the time we were married). Recently gave up on him (ever being sober or truly dependable) and I began exchanging calls with my first love. This was after making love to my husband one evening and having him scream, "STOP" to me at the point of Euphoria. I told him how deeply he had hurt me later. His explanation was that he did not want to "lose himself" in me. Soon after this, I had a dream that my first love kept coming home to me as my husband. The dream made me contact my first love and we began exchanging our sob stories of longing for one another over the years. One night after this, my husband, in his inebriated state made sloppy love to me and something suddenly died in me that night. The next time my husband wanted to make love I told him NO. It was a FIRST. At that point, my husband -- realizing he had lost me (because I have always been available sexually to him) -- joined AA and has been sober for three weeks now. He knows about my contact with my old lover but wants to make our marriage work. I don't know what to do anymore. So much damage has been done to our relationship over the years that I don't know if I can go on with our marriage as it was. My first love is like an old addiction for me -- always there and just as addicted to me (but we have never been twin flames, in fact we are complete opposites) -- so now I don't know how to let him go or even if I should. He has an unsatisfactory marriage too. How did any of us get here? Please advise.
Too bad it took such a wake-up call for your husband to get into recovery.
I suggest you go to Alanon. It will help you deal with the resentment and with living with this "new" person who is not drinking anymore.
Re your first love interest: you are longing for that feeling, not necessarily him. Realize that you are very vulnerable right now and need a clear head to deal with the future. You don't mention children, but after 27 years, how about really thinking about all this with a clear head and heart? The last thing you need right now is a third party complication.
I spent 7 years with a wonderful woman who was a high functioning alcoholic and had been long before I met her. She knew the drink was ruining our relationship and did try to stop. After several attempts with AA and trying to sober up she failed and I walked because I realised that although she had reached rock bottom and admitted she had a problem after all those years, she still put the bottle first. Without being critical, although your husband has sobered up it doesn't mean he will stay sober. Addicts have a long hard road called recovery.
I think your circumstances are similar to mine where it was too late when my partner saw the light...I was still 'with' her but my heart was long gone & and if yours is, then you'll eventually walk.
If your husband is serious about staying sober, he'll do it whether you're there or not.
Your old lover relationship is something you don't need at the moment no matter if you think it's supportive, it's not..it's just muddies the water for you because in your mind you've replaced your husband with him. You may be addicted to him but sort your marriage first.
If your husband has lost you, he's lost you..it's that simple. 16 years of marriage says a lot of history but you need to be kind to yourself now.
Thanks so much SusieDQ and Manalone for taking the time to respond. I appreciate how thoughtful your insights are. I will try to slow down a bit on my first love (though alcohol has left me sexually deprived and longing to be fulfilled). I will attempt to become clear as to what is left of my marriage and if I want a marriage or just a friendship. Manalone, your experience really helps. Thanks again!