Fell for my ex-brother-in-law... but it's complicated
So I realize this issue we have is not exactly something most would accept. Falling in love with your ex-husband's brother is awkward enough in itself I suppose without adding all the other things that make this complicated. For the sake of anonymity I'll call my brother in law Bill and my ex husband Ted. Also, this is probably going to be lengthy, so I'm not offended in the least if no one reads it. Here goes: I met Bill when we were in high school, he was a year younger than me and very shy. He was always friendly to me, and I thought he was hilarious and was a little attracted to him. He showed no signs of reciprocating the attraction, so I didn't dwell on it. I met Ted, who was a few years older than me, 3 months after I graduated high school. We began dating immediately and (stupidly) things became serious. Ted took me to his mother's house, once I stepped into the living room I saw Bill. I was very confused and asked Bill what he was doing there, he replied that he lived there, and it clicked that Bill was Ted's younger brother. This was awkward, but I honestly didn't think too much of it at that point, seeing as he never seemed interested in the past. A year later Ted and I were engaged, and soon enough we were married and had a child. A year and a half after this we separated, then divorced. And then, the Thanksgiving following our split, I went to my ex mother in law's house for dinner (I still remained very close with his side of the family). Being divorced and depressed I proceeded to drink VERY heavily and was completely drunk by the end of the night. Bill, who had been at dinner all night, as Ted did not come, stood outside with me as I made a fool of myself, crying and such. And that's when it happened. I drunkenly told Bill that I had a crush on him in high school and how I had wished he would've made a move, then all of this would be different. He seemed very confused for a moment, then upset. At first I thought he was upset because of what I said, but then he spoke and said that he's been in love with me since we were teenagers and watching me marry his brother was one of the hardest things he's had to go through. After we sobered up in the morning, we decided that we shouldn't go forward with any kind of relationship because of our situation. BUT. We've also betrayed that decision many times since that first time. We've been seeing each other off and on for the past 3 years, and for the past 3 years we've been trying to get over each other, to no avail. It's in secret. Once we regain sanity we decide AGAIN, that we shouldn't, since it would be confusing for the child. And over and over again, we break and it happens again. This is difficult. I love this man, and we click so well with each other. But, he's my ex husband's brother. And their relationship would be ruined if he ever found out. I have no idea what to do.
Although complicated he is your ex. How does he feel if things went further, with his relationship with his brother? If both of you are happy then as the ex would you not want the the happiness?
After THREE YEARS , if you two aren't mature enough to stand up to family and friends and commit to each other in public, then end it.
Your marriage to Ted has been OVER for years, and you are free to have a relationship with whomever you want.
Both of you have some growing up to do, IMHO. Otherwise, you would not care so much about what others think.
It's obvious you think you're doing something wrong by taking up with your ex husband's bro. That being the case, if you keep it a secret, as you say it is, it'll eventually leak out.
If you love him and the feeling is returned from him then stand up together and be counted now. You used the word betrayed, in reality you both are betraying yourselves and the entire family by keeping your relationship secret. Absolute betrayal.
I don't understand, because most people wouldn't accept if you were still with Ted and having an affair with Bill. Now that would be scandalous, wouldn't it? But you're not, you're divorced and you're free to do what you want and see who you want. So why keep it under wraps?
You need to make your mind up if you really love Bill because if you did, you wouldn't worry about the so called fall out if your love affair became public. True love conquers all. You wouldn't worry about what anybody said or thought because you and Bill would be happy and not miserable and confused as you are now.
In the past, Ted was mature enough to marry you, father a child with you and then go through divorce with you. Why isn't he mature enough today to see you happy with his brother? and vice versa?
We only have one life but if we live it properly, we only need one. You're both wasting yours while you hide in the dark with your secret.
This is an old thread and not sure if anyone will see this but I'm in this exact situation but have no children. I'm involved with my ex husbands step brother. This has been going on for three months but he wants to keep it secret because he's worried about family fallout. I'm not. I want to bring it to light because my ex has moved on with another woman and I don't think he'd blow up over this. Just for background he left me after 15 years of marriage to be with another woman. I didn't expect to fall for his step brother but it happened. My parents know and so do my best friends. They are supportive. I don't know what to do because I have a different perspective than the guy I'm involved with. He's so worried about what everyone else will think and my opinion is its our life. We are 40 by the way. We spend a couple nights a week together but he's very scare of getting "too attached" which I think has already happened and I'm already in love. I'm scared to death that I'll end up the casualty in this and he will end up ending things because he's afraid of how the family will react. I say you have one life....live it for you and no one else. We have a very very strong connection. I almost feel like I should have a conversation with my ex husband since we are civil but I don't want to do that without his step brother knowing. We are in this together. Just confused and afraid of getting hurt.