Soulmate found and lost
This is a fairly long story as it dates back close to 20 years or more so please bear with me. During my last 2 years of high school I always seemed to disagree with my parents more and more. Right after graduation I decided to make a change after a argument up with my dad. . I was mad at the world so I set off to unleash my fury. I joined the service and didn't look back. As the years went by my anger subsided and I settled into my daily life. I partied at every chance the presented itself and had a lot of fun. On one night in particular I'm met my soulmate. We both knew it the moment we met. This was in August of 1995. We had a few weeks together before I was deployed.(I will not discuss the particulars of any of my deployments so please don't ask where, when, or what I did). It was nearly 4 months before I returned but she was still there. We carried on like this for another year or so when she received orders to a post about 3 hours away. That still did not cause us any difficulty as we were fairly used to being apart. Again this carried on until I was severely injured in a training accident. She was listed as my primary contact as I not spoken to my parents at any length in nearly five years. She took all the leave she had accumulated to come and stay with me through a couple of surgeries and physical therapy. Once I found out that the severity of my injury wouldn't allow me to continue with my current mos (military occupational specialty) and that I was either headed for a desk or medical discharge I went into a deep depression. I refused to accept or to process the information and was just horrible to be around. She helped me through this difficult time although I do not see how she did it. She always had a way to reach me no matter what. Prior to this we had conversations of marriage and a future together but neither of us were ready to leave the service. She told me that she would not re-enlist after my accident and we could be together even though she really didn't want to get out. This is where everything changed in my life. I told her that as much as I loved her I could not live with the fact the she was going to throw away her career for me. I had the option to stay in but she though it would be best if I took the discharge and went home to work things out with my family. I reluctantly agreed with her. Little did I know that she had been talking to my parents the whole time. She was a complete stranger to them and here she was filling them in on everything. She was always good at doing the right thing. I arrived home in December of 1999 and with her by my side sat down with my parents to work things out. It took a while but overall they were just glad I was back home. She left shortly after as she had to return to duty. We talked everyday and after some time I flew out to see her. This is when I received news that she once again had been ordered to another post. It would be good for her but not so good for us. We once again agreed that she should take this post as it would guarantee her choice of permanent post. Little did I know that after we packed out her things and she drove me to the airport I would never see her again. She had an allergic reaction to one of the many injections required for overseas service. It was immediate and totally unforeseen. They tried to revive her but to no avail. So needless to say I was once again sent spiraling into a deep and this time very dark depression. To this day I'm still unsure of how I made it through. I guess she was still being herself from beyond. This was May of 2000. We had both talked about what we would do in the event that one of us, most likely me, were to loose our life. We agreed that we would eventually move on and cherish the memories. I never though it would be me having to do this. I've had relationships since and even been married but they all ended. I have been single for the last 3 years. I've dated off and on but I realize the she was my soulmate and no one else can come close. I don't compare anyone to her I know that's not fair to me or them to do that. I'm still in love with her and can never be with her until the fateful day that my life ends. I'm not suicidal or anything like that and I am perfectly happy being alone. Sometimes I feel like she was taken from me to punish me for all my transgressions. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Is there the possibility that there is another soulmate out there somewhere?
Wow you have been through so much. I do know how you feel my soul mate is currently with someone else and although I hate to admit it we will never move on unless we choose to. I know what you are thinking that you've tried and can't and I do too. I believe there is another soul mate out there for you as soon as you can move on from this lady. Good luck I know how hard it is.
As a widow, I can relate to what you are feeling - I lost the love of my life 5 years ago to cancer.
But you must accept that WE don't have any right to run another person's life (determine how long they live) and WE can't control the past or the future (make plans for other people life).
She sounds like she was a nurturing person and I bet that's what you miss. She was meant to be there to take you through what you had to go through. But you also sound like you have matured and now are able to look back on her and see her good deeds and how she probably saved you from a bad life.
Remember that she was a human being, so don't make her into some kind of elevated goddess that no one else can ever compete with. She was the best THEN.
So much time has passed; it is time you moved on. You will find another person, but it will be DIFFERENT. This person will have good qualities that you need NOW and you will have qualities that she will need NOW.
Just for today, my friend, live just for today. That's all we have.
Thank you both for your replies
SUSIEDQ you have my deepest condolences on your loss. I know that was not easy to overcome. I did however, leave out the part of my flashbacks, which contribute to my issues. Some flashbacks are more sever than others but every time I wake up from one I see her face. This is what makes me think of her. That and the fact that every time I take a step (especially when it is cold or raining) I am reminded of her. I understand that it is time to move forward but with these constant reminders I'm not sure that I ever will.
Please remember those that have served and fallen. Gone but not forgotten.
You seem to think that these flashbacks are a bad thing, like nighmares. They aren't. She is trying to talk to you.
Now you may feel that getting messages from our dead ones is a bunch of hooey, but in any case, SOMETHING is trying to be communicated to you. Try to relax and listen.
Be accepting and loving to these flashbacks. They are NOT from battle, rather they are from deep love. Smile and accept them.
One fella I know dreamed of his late wife while they sat on a porch. She put her arm around him and said she was OK and that he was free to love again. That really made him feel better and be able to go on with his life.