Ex boyfriend still carries a grudge after 20 yrs
My ex and i were highschool sweethearts,more then 20 yrs ago,for 3 yrs..We also had our 1st sexual relationship,with each other, at that time.I broke the relationship off,due to certain reasons.He couldn't accept it and moved away.I still saw him afterwards in public places but he would simply ignore me.I never stopped loving him.I got married 18 yrs ago.I contacted him before i got married,hoping that he would tell me that i should wait and give us a chance,but he was still angry.I never contacted him again,always thought about him,which i suppose was natural,because i could still smell him,and after all,he was my 1st.Today we are both married with our own families.Recently, right before the festive season started,i don't know what might have triggered it,i thought about him,but with a deep concern.I felt a nausseating feeling in the core of my stomache.It felt like something bad had happened to him.I had no way of finding out and my physical symptoms got out of control.I couldn't eat or sleep.I tried to see if he was on F/b.He was! I send a msg-no reply.I saw his wife on F/B(never met her before),picked up the courage and asked her to ask her husband to contact me re: a private matter,i even gave her my contact details,-no reply.I eventually got hold of him through his mother who was reluctant to give me his nr,due to reasons of her own,i suppose.I told her to rather just give him the msg about my concern and she assured me he was happily married,he has got a very good wife and everything was fine with him.While still talking she gave me his nr and i reluctantly took it.She told me that she was just afraid that he was going to be upset with her for giving his nr to me,and i told her not to worry,i will take the blame for it. I immediately contacted him.I could hear he had company.I identified myself and he just switched the phone off.I phoned again and asked him to tell me when a suitable time was to phone and he became hostile and told the people it was a wrong nr. I send him a msg giving my reason for contacting him,how i still felt about him,apologising for hurting him and that i didn't come to interfere in his marriage and that i won't contact him again.The next day i was restless.This man was rude to me.I mean the way he spoke to me i thought, ok,maybe it was b'cause he had company,contact him again,maybe his mood would be different.I phoned him and asked if we could meet to discuss what happened in the past,he 1st agreed,and then all of a sudden changed to being rude by talking to me as if i was a piece of trash.I asked him what have i done,besides leaving him that brought this behaviour on,he wanted to say something,and said nevermind it won't make a difference now.I told him that it was obvious which of us matured in the 20yrs.I didn;t see the sense in continuing the conversation and told him that i'll never phone him again.Does anybody know why he is so hostile towards me? Will he ever forgive me for leaving him? He told his family that i've been contacting him,it sounds almost like i am stalking him.Why did i get that disturbing feeling about him in the 1st place? And that nauseating feeling disappeared after our 1st conversation. I will always love him,but won't allow anyone to disrespect me like that.I just wish that we couldv'e sorted this out in a mature manner.
I am trying to think of what your intentions would be in all this - and it does not come up as being honorable. You are not going to get closure on this - can you accept that?
Who knows WHY he won't talk with you, but he won't and you are not accepting that. He has no reason to start up a relationship with you, so don't push it.
Most likely his mother will get in trouble for giving you his number, his wife will be upset and he still won't talk to you.
Thank you for your opinion,Susiedq.I don't think you fully understand the concept of my problem.Not once did i mention that i wanted to have a relationship with him.My problem started when i had a terrible feeling that something happened with him.I had to find out!I asked the question-What could've triggered that feeling?I never heard from him in 18 yrs.And by contacting him wasn't an easy decision but out of mere concern- i got peace of mind-but he became hostile towards me-which never happened before.I can accept it if he hasn;t forgiven me.I moved on.But life is to short to bear grudges.Would you walk past your ex if you see that person is in trouble?-i don't think so.I wouldn't let my husband do it.I wouldn't do anything deliberately to rob me and my family of Gods blessings.If i didn't know there was any good in my ex,i wouldn't be concerned,but he is a very good person.It is like grieving,some people grieve longer then others.they accept the extended hand of help.others they die bitter,sad and alone without the problem ever being sorted out.Which is so sad because the problem with society is that people don't communicate enough-which could eliminate lots of problems.Sadly, in his case.i have forgiven him for the way he treated me(reason why i left him).If he can't deal with the fact the way he treated me,unfortunately he passes that seed on to his generation.What you do to others will come back to you.IF POSSIBLE,TRY TO LIVE IN PEACE WITH EVERYONE-which is not always possible.I know of people who have a great relationships with their exes.Regarding his mother,she and i have a good relationship.
Poppie, when you broke the relationship off all those years ago it was for your reasons...that's your right.
His actions spoke after the fact when you saw him out and about etc..he ignored you..it was his way of dealing with it.
The way he spoke to you should have made it clear to you, he didn't want contact because all those years ago, he moved away when you ended it. He didn't agree with your reasons whether he was in the right or wrong...whether that's immature or not is merely opinion.
You need to understand even though you stated you didn't want to interfere with his marriage, by contacting him, you in fact were..and persistently.
You got your piece of mind because of the nagging worry that wouldn't go away...but he became hostile....no piece of mind there...maybe he didn't need to dredge it up.
You opinions tell me the sort of person you are. If you choose to live your life that way and it works for you then that's how it is.
If other people, including your ex live theirs differently, then that's how it is. You can't change that.
When we chose a partner, we look for values and standards similar to ours to give us stability in life. Maybe his standards just weren't up to scratch 20 years ago and you acted decisively.
Your ex may be a very good person, and you're right, it's not healthy for him to carry a grudge...but it's his right.
You have no need do your head in worrying about your ex and his inability to forgive you, after all, you have your own husband and marriage to put first and foremost.
Thank you Manalone for your honest opinion.It's just difficult to understand the hostility.Even after we broke up he had the utmost respect for me.He wouldn't let anyone bad mouth me.His mother even told me,that when he brought his girlfriend(wife now) over to visit(because we stayed in the same neighbourhood) she saw me and asked him about me,he silenced her.What i'm trying to say,is there was a bond between us,a connection,even after our seperation the connection could be felt.I progressed a lot in life.I am very independent. I am a Professional. Achieved things that he didn't expect me to achieve because what he forgot was that he gave me the courage to make something of my life when he told me,i will achieve nothing in life,and with every goal i try to achieve i keep that in mind.He somehow didn't make it far and i sense that he could be hostile towards me because of this.
You were reassured that he was alright. Your "intuition" that something was wrong is not accurate.
He has nothing to say to you.
Please consider that this may be seen as stalking if you keep it up.
Rest your mind. He is OK and has gone on with his life. He just does not want to re-hash a painful past.
Say silent prayers for him for his well being. That is about all you can do.
You clearly have very strong feelings toward him, and I'm sympathetic to the difficulty that's causing.
But in this case I feel you should be solely focussed on managing your behavior, not his.
There was a relationship. You broke it off, not him. You determined the terms of the relationship, not him.
Even after you had satisfied your concern that he was alright, you kept calling and contacting him despite his explicit refusal to engage. It seems to me that you are initiating a power struggle. You want to dictate the terms again, and you're outraged that he's not cooperating.
He is acting very rationally. It is fair for him to assume that after the many years of making it clear he doesn't want to connect with you that his terms are clear. Its also fair that when you persistently tried to over ride his wishes to force your terms on him, he got angry and expressed anger at you.
You are not entitled to be in touch with him to confirm his well being just because you had some "feeling" he was not well. You're not entitled to re engage with him just because thats what you want, even if he wants something different.
He, on the other hand, is entitled to be left alone.
That feeling is regret and worry