Have I ruined everything? For good?
I guess I should tell you everything as it would help. I met a girl online In September at a dark time as the day I met her I was going to kill myself but I said I'll go online and play a game one last time and I did and I happened to meet her we talked and she stopped me from killing myself without her knowing. So we kept talking every day and feelings started to develop and we showed that we liked eachother and stuff then like turned to love in a matter of months if not weeks. It was going amazingly like I was astonished that someone like her actually could be interested in me, she is my dream girl and it was going so well but I messed up on the way as I was insecure and got jealous and thought she was Persuing another guy which she told me she was but stopped as she had me. But from that I lost a little bit of trust but still loved her and it happened again with the same person she said he's just a friend and I'm pushing her away with my insicuritys and we got over that and she said that she wants to be together forever and for me to never leave. Then we met up and had the best four days of my life as she lives in a different city to me only a train away but still. So after a week or two visiting I visted her and she said that she doesn't want to be in a realationship she's still young and wants to have fun and stuff and this obviously upset me as I'm already a emotional person and has a few underlined issues and so when I got back I became incredibly insecure and asked if were still together she said she guess so and stuff and later on I heard and mistook her conversation for flirting with someone else and I got depressed and I lost sight of everything and I got drunk like really drunk and I self harmed and was taken into hospital and my brother spoke to her and made stuff up to make her feel bad and she called his bs and now she ended things and said I betrayed her with my selfishness and she no longer talks to me I've tried saying I'm sorry I'm getting help and I said I'll be a changed man and if she could ever take me back she said no as I was a selfish fool that ruined all my chances and I just don't know what to do she won't talk to me she ignores my messages she said we could be friends if I drop the getting back together stuff and I just lost it again and tried so hard for another chance which pissed her off and she won't talk to me as I truly love her as I imagined us being together for a long time and at one point she said that as well I just don't know what to do I'm scared if I give her space and time shell forget about me and I feel like I'm drowning over here without her I feel lost and lonely i just want to win her back and show I can change for the better and show her why she loved me in the first place but I'm scared I won't ever get that chance I don't know what to do. She really is the only one for me
I'm a therapist, and I saw your post, so I thought I would try to help.
Even though it might suck to hear, this relationship might be a "not now", but not necessarily a "not ever."
It seems that you have something going on within yourself that you should try to heal before trying to be with some one else. I think it's near impossible to love another, to give yourself emotionally when you don't love yourself.
Self harming behaviour is SCARY. I have had many clients who do this, and use this as a strategy to feel because they've gone emotionally numb, or to stop the emotional pain and focus on the physical. To me it always symbolizes some deep hurt that probably comes from your childhood and family of origin. Reflect on the kind of parents that you had, relationships with friends. Were your needs met? Did they belittle or betray you? Did you have to fight to survive?
Most people think suicide is the pathway to less pain. I can tell you, I have never met you, but your life is worth so much more than that. Often people talk about just wanting to escape the pain, not actually die. Is this true for you?
We sometimes choose to be in relationships because the other person makes us feel good: rushes of serotonin (something your brain just doesn't make enough of when you are depressed) and compliments and feeling loved for who you are...It's powerful stuff. But what you really need is to try to find a way to feel that internally...So that you don't rely on some one else to feel happy, to feel better.
I would really recommend that you think about doing some counselling to heal some of those deep hurts. And if you aren't ready for that, maybe try calling a distress hotline when things get really bad. If you feel you are in danger of harming yourself, tell some one, or at the very least, go sit somewhere public, like a library or even the ER so that you will be safe.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. Relationships are tough, and so much more painful when we were never given the tools to navigate the tough stuff from our families. I hope you can see some sort of wisdom here, and begin the path to help yourself before you try to find the easy bandaid for feeling better.
Good luck, and I am very hopeful for you.
Err this is to the counsellor is there anyway we could talk be it through email or what have you I know your a therapist so I doubt you want to help me for free loolz XD but this isn\'t in full as more had happened and I would like to talk about it so I hope you see this and contact me somehow.