I've just signed up and first time I've gone on a forum for opinions.
I am 30, female and been in a relationship for two years.
My partner who lives with me in a 1 bed flat is 25.
The first 10 months we had good sex a lot.
The relationship seemed amazing. I love my boyfriend very much and he makes it clear he loves me every day. I am very lucky. He is caring, loving, romantic, thoughtful, clever etc ...
When we met I didn't fancy him. I'd been single over a year and really wanted a boyfriend. He won me over after a few dates and then I was really into him, the attraction thing went away! I was happy with him and wanted to sleep with him all the time.
I would say I am an attractive 30year old. Size 10, nice face, athletic etc.
My boyfriend has put weight on... He has very bad skin, and he unfortunately has hair everywhere - all over his back even all over his shoulders and all up his neck. I knew all this when I fell in love and I got on with just being in love. Now I think it bothers me a bit.
One thing I will expose so it's not just me being very shallow now is issues with his relationship with his parents ...
I guess when I developed a big dislike to the parents the sex stopped around same time ...
He was very close to them- they brought him up, they set his business up and he and his dad run a successful business together. They had a say in everything because they worked together .
He had his own place (which they helped him get and build) when I met him...
Here is what was happening... And I need to know if it would annoy anyone else ?!
They had a key to his house and every weekend would let themselves in! They didn't ask him if he was free - so basically I'd never met them and there they were in the house unannounced and expecting him to be alone and free to do jobs.
He would leave me in bed for hours and go downstairs and see them... I felt too shy to go downstairs plus we weren't even an item!
Once I'd met them they expected us to see them each time I had driven an hour to see him! He made it clear we had to pop in! When we just popped in and said it was just for a quick tea they seemed annoyed - I didn't understand . Now I can see they expected us to spend our day with them - all the time- I didn't want to as I'd only just met him!
Time went by- I said to him it was a bit much, trouble was the time we spent with them was spent them telling us off- moaning and being negative about everything we told them.:
They opened his post that still went to theirs as it's their joint business address - they would moan at me about his phone bill.
They would moan about my choice of car and tell me to buy an economic one.
They moaned about his credit card bills (even the non business related one!) as ask why he spent £*** when we were here and there ...
They would tell me I am cruel to keep pets I have indoors
They would ask what we have for breakfast and tell us off if it was unhealthy.
Basically- they are no fun to be around ! And moan about things I feel are none of their business ??
As this went on we saw them less and less. We argued about a lot as I didn't like being told off when I went round there - for nothing!
We went to see a house and he told them about it- the next day they inspected it and told us why we shouldn't live there !
The contact with them got less and less, so I thought.
They stopped calling him when he would be with me and decided to call him at 7.am everyday for a chat. He had told me he doesn't hear from them a lot.
I discovered this and he lied , his the fact they call him every morning. Odd.
I asked why they didn't call in the evening now - he wouldn't answer, so I assume it's because they have things to say I won't like.
His mum would call him at 7am crying and telling him how she misses him. (The business they all had had been off and not around anymore by time I met him) so they missed working with him- yet still opened his bills and post and told him what to do etc.
They said to him he should still visit them every weekend and they were heartbroken.
He had moved in with me an hour away and sold his house.
Anyway, basically- I don't like them, I think they need to let him go and not interfere or worry about us so much.
We had a holiday and his mum was so rude and told me after we should never have gone and it was too expensive !!! (We could afford it and had a lovely time.)
At present he's told them to back off after his mum had a breakdown and called me a dictator and told him I don't love him.
They now won't call him and are very hurt that he's backed off. I don't know how to make it better , they don't see they were interfering
Whatever he does they are only happy if he does it their way- buys a house they like, has a mobile phone tariff they suggested , buy the car they want him to have !! Etc. If he doesn't listen the get upset. I suppose as they all run a business when he was 16 they got used to guiding him - and now they don't they seem upset he makes his own choices ???
Anyway, back to the sex issue - it started when all this got too much
and he told me a few lies to make me like them I suppose
I don't find him attractive now - but he wasn't my type to begin with- he won me over though and I do love him.
He treats me so well. We live together in a small space and rarely fight ! We like the same things. I'm 30 and want to settle down - but I have question mark over if he's the one.
I never get horny, when he touches me and wants sex I roll away, I don't know why. I used to love it.
He makes comments everyday and tried it on everyday- and everyday I push him away.
He won't talk about this. I have said many times this is bad and we need to discuss sex and he won't talk to me. He's not one to talk.
I feel awful to do this to him. I wish I did want to sleep with him, I literally sleep with him once every 3 months I think- not good is it. And when I do it's ok bit nothing great like it was.
I wonder if after the honeymoon stage I got annoyed with the parents and then started to be put off by his appearance too...
So this all sounds obvious ?? Leave him??
Hasn't been that easy- I do love him. I think the world of him and can't imagine not having him.
I have things women dream of, I don't think he would cheat, he loves me, we have a lot in common and do loads together - minus sex - but I want to get that back.
I asked him to move out twice and he did - it killed him and I felt awful,
I got him back both times as I felt so awful and I missed him,
I know no relationship is perfect ! And ours almost is !!!
I don't want to leave him- but sex is a big factor I know ... So I need some help, I literally have no desires for him in that way now . Could his parents have put me off him in that way?!
Why would his appearance now be an issue but I fell madly in love ?! I couldn't put him down for 10 months and the sex was great
I love him, maybe I am shallow...
What should I do? He must be hurting more than me
First of all, you can't expect that hot love (from those first days) to last at that level throughout your relationship without really working on it. That's why it's important to have interests and things in common - so there's something other than sex that keeps you together. Your sex has cooled down and now you see that hairy back that bothered you just a little, and is not a big thing.
Secondly, in-laws and kids from the 1st marriage can ruin a marriage or relationship. You don't have the kids, but those parents have run his life all this time and are having a hard time letting him go. He has not stood up to them and detached in a loving way ("Mom and Dad, I'm an adult now and will make these decisions. Thanks for your advice, I'll keep it in mind")
His cowardice about standing up to his parents is a turn off for you and has transferred over to your love life. So now you don't want to have sex with a mama's boy.
He's got work to do: stand up to his parents, lose weight and take care of his skin, (the hair can even be removed). You have work to do: help him find the words to gently but firmly stand up to his parents and build a home for the two of you.
He is very young and those 5 years are a real big gap between you two.
Good luck. Professional counseling may be needed to help you get through this.
Thank you SUSIEDQ
That was helpful.
I know that lustful spark when you meet someone goes - I have been in a few relationships that have lasted a few years each, but never has it totally died and I've not wanted to touch them after a while.
But I know it does take work...
He gets his back, chest, shoulders waxxed and they're nice for a week and then go spiked and I can't cuddle up as it's scratchy
The weight he can sort - but I have asked him a year ago and nothing's happened...
The parents - you are spot on about them ! Thank you, I didn't know if anyone would see why I don't like them. I so wish I did get on with them.
He didn't handle it well, but it must be hard for him.
First he lied a lot about them and their contact , then he ignored them and like you say didn't handle it well.
However - I have helped him with words and how to speak to them nicely about them backing off and realising he's an adult- they went mental!!
His mum went mad crying and saying he doesn't love them and how could he do this to them!
She said they had given him everything - all their money and tried to get him his career (yes they did but it fell through) and she said in return they thought he would always be there for them and be very close and at least telephone them everyday.
I got him a new job, and they hate it- it wasn't what they wanted for him- but he likes it and surely it's better than no career !! They hate that they have no involvement in the new job. I saw his grandparents recently for Xmas and even his lovely grandma had words with me when he went to the loo "we are a very close family" she said "his mum has ha the worst year ever because of him distancing himself, she's got very ill and I hope in 2014 he will call her everyday like I do" etc etc ... Awkward !!!!!! I wasn't happy .
We do lots of fun things together ... We book nice breaks away, but no spark or romance ... How can I find that ?! I've never had to think of how to "feel it" it's like we are just friends living together - however like I've said - very hard to split up with him. He would have to move back in with his parents too- and they'd be over the moon to have him back.
How should he approach them now ? He's tried to be civil and say he's a man now , they got angry and hurt.
What else could he say to them to make them ok with us ? I've never hurt him - I wouldn't cheat, and although this is a hard time I still want to try as he is a good man. I know that's hard to find ! I don't know why they dislike me... He could have done worse !
He asked them to call us - not him, us in the evenings instead of 7am and they went mad... His mum said that doesn't suit her (lies - she's home evenings and they don't do much!) she said she wanted private chats with him !! What !! ?? We said I would like to get to know them too so private chats are unfair - she didn't care.
On our first holiday (as an example)
On way to airport his dad called him to ask if we had remembered passports (of course, ok)
Then he called again an hour later .. We still on way to airport - he called for no real reason.. Then he asked him to call them back when we got to the airport (before we boarded a plane !!!!) I didnt understand.. He says they worry about him an like to know he arrives at places ok - surely it's more normal to say you've landed safe abroad than say you've driven an hour to the airport !? Anyway- then they needed a call when we landed .. And when we got back to our country we HAD to swing by on our drive home ... And we had to show them all the photos ... Private things to me !
That's another example (sorry throwing lots at you) xmas last year - his mum said we had to open our gifts to each other's at hers . We said no (he didn't min but I did!) we said it's our first Xmas in our flat together and we want to do that alone and then go to hers - she went mad about this.
We saw my family in the morning and then spent 8 hours at his parents - after this his mum was upset and said Xmas was ruined because we weren't there the whole day !! I really find this so rude
So how can I improve a dead sex life ? I don't get wet or turned on unless he goes down on me, then I have to think of sexy things and thoughts ...
And how can we sort the issues with his parents out? We see them less than once a month now - they're angry so don't call us or ask us out- we have to make all effort and when we go out to eat they still moan - they tell him about his job and give him ideas of new business's they can help him run- makes me mad - I couldn't have him working with them now I don't think!
He bought a new car during when we all weren't talking- they said "how could you buy a new car and not tell us!" What ?!?! Then as it's a sports car they ask him not to drive it in winter and that it will worry them sick ! He doesn't say a word - I actually said "we drive it a lot , it's fine " she glared at me.
Very hard, they're putting me off him , I don't want his surname or to join their family
I don't find him that attractive but I don't know if I could leave him right now ... I do love him. I wish I felt horny sometimes , I wish he would talk to me. I suggested couples councilling and he just said book it then- I might do soon.
He gets annoyed when I reject him every night so I go to sleep and tension in the room and he storms out in a huff to sleep on sofa
I've told him I don't find him as attractive as I used to- maybe that's terrible I said that but I usually am honest !
Scared to end this relationship, he's a loving man, we do get on good. The parents I can ignore - but no sex is the worst problem I guess ! It makes us just friends
How can I suddenly be so turned off by someone ?!
Any advice and suggestions and opinions welcome , even if they're hard on me - I need it. I've felt this way for a year now !
Book that counseling ASAP.
There are many, many issues here.