Need urgent advice (unable to cope with past)
This is my first time writing in a forum like this. I am in desperate need of some advice.. as i m completely confused how to cope with the emotions i m going through. i am 22. i am a reserved person, friendly but feels vulnerable to open myself up before anyone. this is the first time here i am sharing my story. i never had any close friends before until i met this guy. it was beginning of my college. i met this person some years back in my college. since then we both happened to get along so well and in no time turned best friends. i have always longed for someone true and faithful to lay my trust on and i felt this guy is the one as the first time i met him it was a strange feeling that came from no where that made me feel so close to him as i connected with him like never before and let myself go. He is a nice person, caring and supportive and a best friend one can have. Initially i never fancied him in any other way.. But gradually i grew very attached to him in such a manner that i can go to any extent for him. i fell in love with him because he made me feel loved, share and open myself up. i felt so blessed and happiest with this new kind of feeling which i never felt before. Now this guy happen to had a breakup a few months ago and was recovering and was no in need of emotional support just like a lonely person like me. He started getting very possessive about me and fought for all my attention to him. He would get scared if i talked to other guys and get possessive of me. Even i couldn't refuse him.. him being the person i love the most, i gave up my ties with all my other casual friends and gave my all to him just the way he wanted. I stared having a feeling may be he wants me more than a FRIEND. and i thought i wouldn't mind feeling the same. why not? i love him a lot and i would definitely love to be with him forever. with all this thoughts like having found the right person and feeling that we share this mutual feeling i fell for him this time. we hanged out together a lot everyday. and he started making me feel so special.. we dint have anyone else other than the just us. our relationship started growing beautiful.. we texted, called and chatted all the time. couldn't be without each other. then gradually We started growing romantic and even went a bit physical. Let me say i never had any boyfriend before not even a friend very close. All these that happened n the way he made me feel matter to me a lot. i took a great leap of faith in someone..i dint feel vulnerable this time.. i trusted him. then i started wanting him all and getting possessive. when i started becoming more like he was, things started getting bad. it turned into fights..as because then he started feeling that i'm trying to get too much into his life. i felt so devastated as i never expected this of him. when i tried questioning him on all that physical and romantic feelings he repelled saying he sees me as a friend only and nothing more. i felt maybe he is confused and not strong enough for all these again and still recovering from his previous relationship which ended leaving him in a mess and hence he is scared and denying me. i felt being cheated though i felt the best was to be with him and be the way he likes. i stood by him always no matter even if how wrong it felt..accepting all his demands, crossing all limits. Things continued all the same... also the fights started getting bigger as i started expecting.. As when u give your heart out to someone, it is reasonable to expect in return. then slowly the sparks of our beautiful friendship started fading and the fights getting bigger till the point of getting our friendship at stake. but the very thought of losing him killed me inside because i loved this person so much. though i felt used and cheated i couldn't forget at the same time all the good things he has done for me. Also somewhere inside i knew he never wanted to lose the friend he found in me. because he had no one else. So i tried to stop expecting and fighting, being selfish. He started changing now.. stopped being possessive and clingy.he Got focused in life and started making other friends. i dint like it at all. But i couldn't. i loved more the way he have turned me into. i only thought of US being together always. I couldn't even go back to my old friends. i dint find anywhere else what i found in him. then one day he started saying he never found me attractive or thought of me in any romantic way. i was heartbroken as i felt he did. but again at the same time i couldn't let go off that similar kind of feeling he ignited in me. i couldn't believe what he told me as deep hoped n believed it wasn't true somehow. Although m trying accepting it. Its been a couple of years, we are still the best of friends but the problem is sometimes i cant stop myself getting hateful towards him for what happened in past. Especially when he checks out other girls and says he need a gf i get jealous. He fights with me saying i have no right to be.. i am just a friend. And if i continue being this way he wont be friends with me. Then i start feeling that perhaps i am turning too selfish and need to accept the truth and be nice but at the same time some kind of hateful feeling starts erupting time to time that is hampering me and our friendship a lot. for two years i've been dealing with this emotions. i dont know how to cope with it. i dont want to lose him..he is very nice to me otherwise and loves me a lot and have been with me after all those fights bt at the same time i want him like before and i feel cheated and used when i think of it sometimes.. This all turns me abusive and very hateful towards him..and sometime i cannot control myself and what it is making me.. i just want to feel peace within me and us.. but i dont know how to deal with it. I'm not very skilled in explaining things. i hope someone can help me with an advice. i would really appreciate. If anything is unclear or if more details are needed I will do my best to clarify.
What you describe is NOT love.
it is obsession, jealousy, insecurities, unfulfilled expectations, missed communications and bad timing.
You have lost yourself in this man. Do you realize this?
i knw wat a mess i am in.. bt i dnt knw hw 2 feel better.. wat m i supposed 2 do. we are very good friends and i cant think of losing him or getting it end in bitter way.
since 2 years i have been trying by myself 2 cope vd it.. 2 b in peace with it..
but time to time it comes back making me so hateful..
i realy dnt want 2 feel this way.. i know it wont do good to either of us.
bt i cnt help it wen it cms bck terribly. i feel i have been wronged. and will always fear of attachments. nevr sought any1 advice in this til today bcoz ths is realy taking a toll on me.
i wish if anyone can explain
me what to do in a better way.