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Moving forward

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Emotional advice Well, my boyfriend (BF) and I have been dating for three years. We have had some troubles over that time and have spent time apart twice. Both times we each slept with other people. Him many girls, me one guy many times. This last time we separated because he got so angry all the time and constantly threatened to leave me everytime he got stressed. Well, the night before he moved out (it was a July 3rd) we argued and he told me that two months earlier when we had just moved back in together, one night on his way home he ended up stopping at one bar with his friend and getting oral sex from a girl in the parking lot, then 30 miles further he managed to pick up an employee at an Arby's and get the same there...then came home to me. I was so hurt and furious but the thought of breaking up never crossed my mind...working it out was my immediate thought. Well, that night we had a huge fight and things went physical...he moved all of his things out and I proceeded to get very drunk. I never drink so it wasn't long till I didn't remember a thing. the next morning I woke to his things gone, him gone, and his phone disconnected. I was so hurt that my stupid self went out and drank all over again with my girlfriends...I just wanted to forget. My friends brother was into me that night and I was tempted to go home with him just to do what my BF had done to me, accept he was not at home waiting that I knew of. Well, the next thing I recall is waking up at this guys house the next day. I ran home devastated and there was my BF on the couch waiting for me. he had left me a msg asking that if I was going to sleep with anyone else to please let him know to take his ring off and that he wanted to come home and was so sorry for leaving and that he loved me and all would be ok. I didn't get that msg till there in my house the next morning. He asked if I slept with anyone and I told him I woke up at this guys house. Well I couldn't believe I hurt him so bad and didn't just wait alone at home and I would have got his call and all would be ok and we could have talked. So I thought I could let him go...I tried...I went to dinner with that guy a few times and my BF slept with a bunch girls and the entire time we talked everyday. even when he tried to start dating a girl (way younger) we still talked. I went on dates...but nothing changed, I loved him and needed just him. so we were only apart for two weeks physically while he was seeing that girl. By October we moved back in with each other and went on a huge trip to meet his family and decided we both love and want each other. we have been doing so well for three months and now, all of the sudden, he says that he is struggling to get over what happened with me and my friends brother on the 4th of July and that he doesn't want that hang up to cause me pain. He says he keeps thinking that if he hadn't pushed me into another mans arms and hurt me that none of it would have happened and that if we can't move forward and he can't think of a way to stop obsessing about me with another man than he doesn't think he should stay with me...he says that I deserve someone who never would have hurt me or pushed me away in the first place. I keep telling him that it never would happen again and I thought he was gone for good and I was so drunk I just don't know what happened. That I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that I forgave him for cheating on me the moment he told me. once in a while when he is grumpy he refers to me with my that other guy as cheating on him. when it first happened one night he was drunk and told a few of his buddies that I cheated on him and that's why we broke up and now that has added to the shame he hides from too. we live in a very small town and we don't talk to anyone or go anywhere now and are moving across the country to start over...so how can I help him move forward? I have...

Moving forward

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If this man was right for you and you were right for him then you wouldn't be on this forum.

We all look for similar standards and values in other people when choosing life partners. And we go with instinct. Sometimes we end up on a merry go round because we 'thought' a person was right for us..in your case, 3 years.

Usually, when on this merry go round, we get hurt and then retaliate by hurting the other person. But in the end, we only hurt ourselves. Usually, it's because we have no right to be with someone who makes us miserable.

Drinking is no excuse because when we drink to excess, our inhibitions come to the fore and alcohol doesn't lie. It doesn't help us to forget. The problem is still there when we sober up.

You pair have played tit for tat with each other. You've both gone out of your way to payback each other.

You need to understand, you have both moved on from each other...and to such an extent, it's now impossible to live in your small town.

You state that you have moved forward but if you guys were compatible, then he would be in step with you when you moved forward...you shouldn't have to look over your shoulder and wait for him.

HE wants you and you want him, but..what you want and what you NEED are two very different things.

Moving forward

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Holy mackeral!! All this sleeping around with others - You AND HIM. I don't know how you can keep things straight. I hope you both are getting clean bill of health.

Some very foolish things happen when alcohol is in the mix with this relationship. I hope you BOTH are realizing that drinking is a large part of your problems.

If he can't get over what happened WHEN YOU WERE NOT TOGETHER over SIX MONTHS ago, then don't move away thinking things will start fresh. He will bring it up again and again.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

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