Should I expect support
Hi all,First post from me. Too cut a very long story short about 7 years ago I entered a relationship with a woman and in that period I have steadily rown a serious pokie machine addiction. Despite being on a reasonably good salary I am unable to leave any more han several hundred dollars in my account before throwing them at the pokies again. It means I rarely have anything left after a few days. Im often loaning from loan sharks at high interest rates though am always about two or three pays from being completely debt free. I dont use credit cards, just payday loans. I have tried counselling and twice have had my money completely managed by someone else to get the debt down, and to stop me from playing. The problem I would like help with is my partner also plays the pokies and simply refuses to help me stop playing. It is a consistent two weekly argument where I will rant on about stopping and she will ignore the subject completely. Come payday she waits for me to steer us towards the machines again, after I suggest dinner, or a movie, and she shows little interest, waiting for my addiction to kick in, then it does. Then the inevitable arguments, loss of all my pay. Next day its her payday and she controls the purse strings, and Im reliant on her for anything financial, any request usually met with a frown, a smirk, clearly a controlling manner. I know I have a problem. I know she has one too, but to a lesser degree than me. She just needs her couple of pokie fixes and can move on. I am getting help with the pokies from friends and a counsellor, but she just shows disdain to all of that. Our relationship combined with my pokie problem, her possessive nature- I can never go out with friends with her blessing. When I return its the 20 questions and part of that is due I think to her ex partner and husband, who has clearly abused her and had numerous relationships while she was bringing up their 2 children. I know he gas caused at least one miscarriage. So I know her behaviour is deep down really one of a deep sense of insecurity. But in saying that, I am letting her control my life because of it. In terms of the love balance I believe I have more in terms of feelings for her than she me which adds to the frustration. We are both 50 so its embarrassing I have let my life spiral down to this level relationship wise and am writing this partially because I have no one to share it with- particularly my partner. So although I know I need to deal with my pokie problem, I'd like some ideas or help with what I should do about our relationship...leaving her a very likely option. We have done this several times but I always seem to take her back.
Santiago, you've identified your problem and partner's problems very accurately.
You've also provided the answer and you've been down that track a few times.
But you've gone back to a partner who, at the very least, is insecure and she's controlling you, as you state, but she's also manipulating you and your addiction which is abhorrent behavior.
Regardless of her past, this woman is absolutely no good for you and your circumstances. People like her are not healthy for anyone. Sure, they can have good traits etc but their insecurity and therefore controlling behavior is terminal for personal relationships. Controlling behavior usually stems from insecurity....they go hand in hand...hence the 20 questions you get when you've been somewhere after fighting for her blessing to go in the first place!
You have admitted your problem, she hasn't, which is why she disdains the obvious solution. You know what's wrong but she doesn't. You want to improve your life but she doesn't care.
You well know you can't stay in this environment where you will continue to fail because of your sense of 'loyalty' to a very damaging and uncaring partner. You need someone who supports you with your efforts to overcome your addiction and you need someone who appreciates you for who you are.
You basically need a positive predictability in your life now more than ever, but ask yourself if your partner will provide that or is even capable of providing that given her own circumstances. Ask yourself what sort of life you can see with a someone who shares your values and standards.
Take control of your life. Realize that you have TWO addictions... your pokie addiction and your 'damaging partner' addiction.
And don't worry about your age Santiago,...ALL of us never stop learning in life no matter what age we are...
I agree with the previous poster.
This person is not healthy for you. However, you must not use her as an excuse for your problem totally.
The fact that you stay with her says alot about your addiction.
Please continue your counseling.
thank you...I hadnt thought of my relationship as an addiction but it clearly is, and a good way of understanding it. I think I have merged the two as one...one accompanying the other. In a way I think I've been waiting, or at least insisting that one resolve the other. In any case, I've told her we need to part for good and this time she has given me the usual silence and carried on as though I hadnt said it. I understand now the two are separate issues...addictions if you like, and I will treat them separately. I'll no longer blame her or expect her to 'fix' the other problem but will sort one and then work on the other, without her.
Thanks for your time and your comments, a different viewpoint is all I needed and why I joined this forum and both your comments have both shlped to strengthen my resolve. It will be a few days to sort the first step but I will come back and report my progress, one way of being accountable for my actions, something tangible to work towards.