Performance anxiety after 5 month split
First time ever asked 4 advice anywhere. I will try n keep this short! OK, got back together with my Girlfriend after a seperation of 5 months, been together again a week, all together we will have been in our relationship 7 years soon (including split) I love my girlfriend very much, she is the mother of my children and I find her very attractive ! Cut a long story short - she ended the relationship n after 4 months ov heartbreak I finally started moving on and was seeing a girl for about a month before we got back together ! Obviously when my GF found out I was trying 2 move on was when she told me she still loves me and said we could work things out ! Even though I was almost over her! I love her and came back, the 1st time we had sex it was amazing . Then a few days after she told me she had sex on the break after 3 months once, a 1 night stand, the minor probs I see from this are it was in our family home and in our bed - my major issue is she told me they had sex 6 times in the night. I definately want 2 move on from this and don't think she has done anything wrong ! But I can't get an erection now after this - not had any major sex probs in the 7 years so desperately need help in this matter - I'm the lowest I've been in my life now - I need to deal with this issue, she regrets that night, was crying her eyes out and she says even though we were over it felt as though she'd been unfaithful to me - I believe her but god knows why she told me 6 times - fair enough it was obviously hurting her and she felt she had to tell me about it - please help
I really don't know how people can say they love someone, be in a 6-7 year relationship, split up, bed someone else in the meantime and then get back together, compare notes and then expect no issues?!?!?
Your problem is in your head. Those 6 times have you done and dusted. It'll be in your head until you are ready to get your confidence back in the bedroom. You need counseling and you need to talk to someone who understands your problem.
That counselor is the mother of your children, your girlfriend.
Thankyou manalone for taking the time to help me. I think 3 times in 1 night are about the most I have done. And I can count these on 1 hand, once after each tour of afghan (2 times) after been away for 6 months n the other 3 times in the 1st 6 months of our relationship - so this 6 times thing as really smashed me up. I keep telling myself 2 things - sex ain't an Olympic sport and quality not quantity ! But that don't help really
What is it that REALLY bothers you? That they had sex 6 times in one night or that your GF took him into the bed in the "family" bed?
These are all issues that hurt your pride.
I don't know why you two would trade comparing notes about what you both did during this breakup time. That is immature and hurtful, as you know.
Redo the bedroom - new paint, new bedspread, new look. Start again and make your lovemaking all new again. Good luck - and put the pride away.
Susie, appreciated, I was waiting for a female perspective on this - n yes i guess it's all about pride! I'm gonna follow your advice n but my pride away n the other things you have mentioned, I do love her, I know she loves me, so if I can do myself a favour n get over myself I'm hoping 2 make a swift recovery - I feel better already listening to peoples point of view ! What do you think about this though Susie, I didn't compare notes at all - because I'd started seeing a girl after 4 months n thinking there was no chance she'd take me back - my GF assumed about the sexlife side of it as i'd been seeing this girl about a month !!! My GF maybe felt she needed to compare notes? Anyhow it must have been eating her up - cos she was proper I tears n very upset about it ! I was telling her there n then that it doesn't matter / she's done nothing wrong etc ! Thanks again guys !!
Far too much importance being put on number of times performing in bed . . . your are right, it's not an Olympic sport.
Get back to making love, not just ####ing.
Thanks for getting back 2 me Susie I was hoping you would. What do you think about the fact she was the 1 to bring it up, I mean the whole comparing notes thing? Cos your right it's hurtful and immature but she was proper upset and crying her eyes out, I know she must have needed to get it out in the open and she was been honest! She even went as far as offering to show me who he was on FB! (He's blocked her now though cos it turned out he's married) I said I didn't care either way but now it's getting 2 me as to wether it's best to know or not to know ! And still don't know why she felt she had to go into detail on the number of times? Anyhow do u think it's all 2 do wiv me moving on with this other girl? 1. To let me know she wasn't just sitting around wanting me back n getting over her mistake in ending our relationship and her stubbornness? 2. To let me know that she's still very attractive to other men? (Obviously I know this anyhow, she's amazing) so that I don't take her for granted? Thanks again Susie or anyone else who has read this - all opinions needed!!!
Bro..just let me put my 10 cents worth in here if I can..
1. She told you...yeah she be honest but you were about to move on. You said you were almost over her.
2. She doesn't need to tell you in any way she's attractive to other men...you already know that,... but the fact that she mentioned 6 times with someone else in YOUR bed in YOUR home has buggered you.
That's the issue here and if she's remorseful etc about it and you have probs with the whole 6 times thing and you guys want/will work it out, then she's the best thing you can have to help you get over it!!
Who cares about the other fool?...you shouldn't..you have her back then just love her...all she needs.
Manalone awesome advice man - cheers !
BOTH of you need to STOP talking about things that happened when you were broke up. It really is no business for each of you.
Her very detailed account of her escapade border on passive aggressive behavior. Why does she go into such detail? Is she getting a thrill seeing you skirm about all this?
You keep the subject matter alive by letting it take over your mind. Are you asking her about it all the time? That's almost cuckold behavior!
Time to let it go. go on vacation or take her for a weekend and make some new memories.
Susie thanks so much for keeping track ov this problem, yes it's on my mind but NO - I never ask her anything about this and don't think I will! Unless u think it might be an idea to share this post with her cos manalone reckons I need counciling n my girlfriend is the councilor (talk and then move on quicker?) the only way I could bring it up with her is to show her this, at least she will get an honest overview?
As for passive aggressive, maybe !!! As for the cuckold thing definately not cos we wasn't together and I don't get off on this - it's the exact opposite effect and I'm having probs getting my mojo now, when the 1st time we had sex before I knew, it was brilliant, the loss ov mojo is solely down to the 6 times thing, but now I'm proper confused as to why she gave the details - she could have just left it as I slept with some1 and regret it! She must have known that would crush me cos been an ex soldier with 16 years service I do have a lot ov pride! I need more opinions now guys, she was sobbing her heart out, maybe that wasn't cos she regretted the 1 night stand cos ov me - maybe she regrets it cos she realises she was been used by a married man who now as no interest in her except as maybe keeping her as a bit on the side if he thinks he can definately get away with it! Who knows? God damn - I'm determined to get over this though
Well just an update, I'm well and truly over this problem! Must not have been as big of an issue as I thought, I must have panicked !!! But I must thank Susie and Manalone for some really great advice which probably helped me with a swifter recovery - a problem shared is a problem halved (or woteva the saying is!)
On a side note, Susie May have opened up a couple of seperate issues which may be related to this issue but don't trouble me as much but may be worth looking into. I'm sure I will post on here when I decide to look into them.
Keep up the good work guys.
Another thing I noticed been on here, helping others sometimes helps yourself so I will be bac to offer my opinion where I think I can help