Troubled by my boyfriend's constant arguing!

Posted by
on Jan 20 2014 at 12:55
Member since: 20 January 2014
Gender: Female
Country: South Africa
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Hi there, this is my first time trying to get advice online, but i thought I would give it a try 

It’s going to be quite a bit to read, but here's my story:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now (2 years & 10 months). He is 12 years older than me ( He’s 35 & I’m 23), and most of our relationship we haven’t really had any problems regarding the age difference between us. I’ve also been living with him since the end of 2011 some time.

Our relationship has been quite tough and we had to make a lot of sacrifices for each other. At the time he had to start rebuilding his life up from scratch after a divorce. I tried to help where I could as much as possible. I stopped going out with friends; hardly ever saw my family & in general I just put my whole life on hold to help him…because I loved him so much. He was the first person that I loved so extremely deeply, that it caused me to do all these things for him with such great care and love automatically…where that just wasn’t anything like me before. I tried to encourage him a lot and also had to battle staying positive and staying strong throughout this time myself some days. The thing that is bothering me so much is just that…..somewhere he turned cold and rude, and started treating me extremely badly and in a cruel, cold and unfair way. And by badly I mean he would like start talking to me in a very disrespectful and hurting manner; swearing at me; breaking me down and not finding anything I do good enough whatsoever– and it only grew worse as time passed.

He even got a bit violent and physically abusive at times, and he just kept on justifying it by saying I cause him to act that way, and it was because of me that doesn’t want to this or doesn’t want to that, but he wasn’t ever happy with anything... no matter how much I would do for him. He would swear at me and at my family, using the most filthiest language, that I sometimes even felt dirty and like trash afterwards. At a point I didn’t felt like I was good enough for him at all anymore – I was broken; depressed; fed-up; emotionally destroyed and hurt. My self-confidence was destroyed, causing me to be this scared; shy; sad person…..where before I was this happy; smiling; enthusiastic girl who you’d always see smiling. So in the beginning of March 2012 he had an enormous outburst again and it was just too much for me, so my parents came to fetch me with all my belongings – I was moving out and leaving him.

Long story short – The time thereafter was a bumpy and difficult time. I started seeing a psychologist to help me heal and well…yeah. A few months thereafter I then started seeing this same guy again, and one thing after another…. now I am exactly where I was before – this time only much worse!!

My Problem:

After all of this, he tried sending me a relationship request on facebook, but I don’t feel like I can accept him yet and make things public for now. I’m scared of being hurt again and first want to see how he reacts to me from here on forward. I’m not doing anything wrong or I’m not flirting/ cheating him with other men, but because I got hurt so badly I feel like I don’t need to accept him just yet, just to maybe get hurt again and causing everyone I know to become judgemental and disappointed in me, telling me “we told you so” or “what were you thinking” etc. I just need some time for him to prove that it is safe for me to give myself to him wholeheartedly and for me to trust him before I go all in again. He just doesn’t understand that, and fights with me over this matter all the time. He doesn’t want to see my reasoning for this at all, and I’m so sick of it. So I just want to ask….. Is there anybody who could please give me some guidance or advice?? I would appreciate it so terribly much!!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart



Reply from
on Jan 20 2014 at 13:38
Member since: 20 January 2014
1st time I've ever given advice 2 anybody b4 so don't take this as correct !!! I'm just waiting for advice myself for the 1st time ever n found this site today! All I can say is that your man blatantly isn't making you happy and has not done for a long time! Not only this it's turned in2 the opposite and he's making you well, basically Ill. I know you love him but you have done all you can in this relationship. You need to make a permanent and total cut! I know this is not what you want to hear but it's the best thing for you to do. I know myself how hard it is to get over your love for some1 - but it will get easier in time. I found the pain eases after 4 months n so I believe you will be healed after maybe a year. So sorry
Reply from
on Jan 20 2014 at 13:39
Member since: 27 December 2013
You have tried to make this work and it doesn't get any better. Why do you persist?

He has the classic behaviors of an abuser, surely you see that. He's not going to get any better. Think of what kind of father he would be?

You are not going to like this but you are too young to get so involved with someone anyway, much less an older control freak.

Try to break your ties to him, stay off FB, and start growing as a woman by socializing again with friends who treat you nicely.

Reply from
on Jan 20 2014 at 13:41
Member since: 29 December 2013
Gender: Male
Angie, if you have been seeing a psychologist to assist get over your initial damage from your relationship with this man, then you really, really need to question your motives for wanting to go back again.

You don't need to go back to a controlling, abusive push/pull environment that this man made into an excuse for a loving relationship.

Successful relationships are all about love, respect, trust, honesty and communication and are 2 way streets and are NOT verbal and physical abuse (violence) exercises to control and intimidate.

If you really love this man deeply, then you will know that he has some serious issues. I'm sorry, but these issues are his to sort, not yours.

Everyone rebuilds after a divorce and everyone relies on the support of other people to rebuild after a shattering experience.

But you have been abused, treated badly, sworn at, been cold and rude to (your very words) by a 35 year old man.

You've sacrificed your own space with family and friends, put your life on hold to comfort and love this uncaring man.

Ask yourself how can you possibly give yourself wholeheartedly to this man and feel safe in his presence ever again if he can't even understand what he put you through initially??

Be kind to yourself Angie,.. you don't need don't need to accept this man at all.

Reply from
on Jan 21 2014 at 01:19
Member since: 20 January 2014
Gender: Female
Country: South Africa
Thank you guys, for all of your reply's and advice on the matter. You don't have an idea of how much this means to me .... THANK YOU!!!!

Any further advice from anyone would be just as welcome still.

All my Love to those who care - God Bless!!


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