End it, or fix it?
Going on 3 years I've been in a relationship with a man who is sick. His condition causes him to have erectile problems. We go many months with no sex or no touching at all. In fact it's been since September of last year since we did anything. I have tried to work on this relationship, cuddling, being supportive, being affectionate, but it gets me nothing. He got us sex toys two Xmas in a row and they are still in the box. We occasionally kiss, but it's rare that it's deep. I have not complained, still hung in there. Out of the blue he gets dressed and says he is going to the Casino alone to eat and read his book! He never does that! Cologne and dress pants, etc. He leaves at 8 comes home at 2:15 am! Wakes up the whole house, and me and the kids have work and school the next day. His excuse " I never go out so you should not be mad" ...really ,,, you went on a damn date! If he comes clean and be honest with me...I would be upset. I gave him several opportunities to end this relationship if it wasn't something he could handle. I caught him online looking for someone on a dating website last summer. He begged me to forgive him and not break up with him and I did. I am now regretting staying in this relationship because I love and care about him, but I can never trust him! Do I fix this or do I end this?
You don't mention how old he is. Is he on medications?
Some men don't understand that they can have a very fulfilling sexual relationship by being intimate with their woman. This does not mean that they have to 'perform." We are talking about intimacy here.
IBSIST that he go to counseling with you. The fact that he refuses to even touch you tells me that he is scared about all this - OR he has things on the side. In any case, you need to have a third party that he feels comfortable with (male counselor) so he can express his feelings. This is all unfair to you and you deserve better.
He is 48. On Meds ... Has a very very small man package which I always handled maturely, I never laughed, commented or complained. I am emotionally attached even though there is no sexual satisfaction for me. I love being intimate with him. I told him this dozens of times. I told him that our relationship is in trouble because we are not being intimate. Couples need that. I just feel like he doesn't even care anymore because he is looking or may think he found someone else.
Rubiccon, if you state you can never trust him and that's the cold hard truth, then your relationship is basically over.
It doesn't matter if he has a condition, you've been mature, supportive, affectionate etc and hung in there...these actions tell us what sort of a person you are.
On the other hand, his actions are speaking to you now with the Casino episode... and in the past last summer.
Intimacy, trust, respect, honesty and communication are all there in a successful relationship...all flowing between 2 people.
When one or both people prevent this flow, then the relationship struggles and eventually stops.
The challenge is to realize when to get out or stay and continue to be hurt.
Hi Rubiccon -
I don't think this problem can be fixed by you alone! I don't hear any desire coming from him...maybe he doesn't think there is anything wrong? You are right - there is a lot wrong in your relationship! It is time for you to move on and find someone who can appreciate your love and concern and reciprocate it! This can't be good for the children either...they are sensitive to stress in the home. Good luck and keep in touch!
Thanks you guys for the really great advice! I never looked at it in ways you all are pointing things out. It's so true that he may think nothing is wrong. I know I need to end this and move on. I'm just so relationship exhausted and angry. I give and never get a portion of that in return. I thought something was wrong with me for wanted to be affectionate and have intimacy even if the other person is sick. No excuse for not loving a person back... I see things clearly and need to move on. Will be hard but this was harder. Thanks again everyone... Hugs! You being here has meant a lot in this stressful time!