Boyfriend doesn't want children - advice please
I am 27 and my boyfriend is 28 we have been together just over 3 years. We met as housemates when we were 24/25 in a shared house and got together 1 month after i moved in. After 4 months we moved out and got our own flat. We get on so well, from day one we were so comfortable with each other being completely open and talking about everything. Its funny we say we are the female/male version of each other - we even had the same hair! (until he shaved it off this summer).
After 3 weeks together we talked about marriage. So after 3 years and no proposal i told him all my worries about getting old and running out of time to get married and have babies etc. My 2 sisters have both lost babies and although both have 1 child each now they are also both pregnant with pregnancy problems. So although nothing hereditary i obviously worry about my chances too.
When kids have come up in conversation before he's said he doesn't want any and i've said if you're serious you need to tell me, but it's always been kind of off hand and jokey and so he's never told me it's serious and i've always assumed he meant not now. But after my serious sit down he tells me he doesn't want them - seriously. I felt devastated. I literally cried for 5 hours before bed and then on and off through the night. My sister asked me once what i'd do if he said he didnt want children and i have never been able to consider it because i can't imagine being without him. I have always wanted kids even when i was a young teenager, i just always knew it was something i wanted to do. As well as wanting to raise a child in a loving family, i really want to experience the feeling of a human growing inside me and share that with the dad.
He said was i mad at him and i guess maybe i should be that he didn't say it seriously sooner after i said to many times, but i'm not. But then i think would it have made any difference sooner? I was still all in after a few weeks and i'd still never be able to choose. How do you choose?! I asked if he definitly never wanted them and he said he didn't know. He said he doesn't desire or yearn for them like i do and he cant ever see himself as a father. I asked him if it came to a choice between breaking up and having children what would he do - he said he didn't know. But should i have to choose between breaking up and not having kids? Every website i go on that says give an ultimatum it is the woman who has to choose but why can't it be the other way round?
After a night of h**l i decided i couldn't imagine ever breaking up with him and he was clearly upset that i may have chosen otherwise and relieved that i had chosen to stay with him. But now i don't know if i chose to stay with him at the risk of no kids because i am truly ok with that possibility or because i don't believe he is truly set on never having them. Because as well as saying he doesn't want them he also said he doesn't know if it will change. He just knows at the moment he doesn't see himself as a dad.
He also said he wants to do more with his life and that kids will take that away from him. I have been unemployed for almost 1 1/2 years out of our 3 years (5 months and then 13 months later 11 months (now)) so we havn't had the money to go away travelling and he hasn't been able to explore other job options because he is the only wage and i have eaten into his savings because he pays all the rent, bills, food etc so i can understand he doesn't feel stable financially, but at the moment i'm talking marriage in the next 18 months or so and kids sometime in the next 3 years, so none of it is immediate.
The problem i'm having is i can't make a decision on whether to break up or not because he is not being definite on if he really 100% doesn't want them. Other info is his parents split up when he was starting university, he doesn't speak to any of his family (mum, dad, sister) except a thank you text to his mum after bday and xmas money and his dad has alcohol problems. He says there has been no event for a falling out, he just doesn't like them.
Sorry this is so long! I hope you can give me any advice, if you've been in this situation or know someone who has or just what you think you would do if it happened to you. Thank you!
Men run when there is pressure. They like to do things in their own time. No one can every comfortably say when the best time to have kids is. We can plan all we want but things kids need are expensive. My guess is, he fears he will not be a good enough provider if he has not had time to establish himself. If there is financial stress already, he is in visioning a little child's eyes looking at him when he comes up short. Ask him how much more time he needs and then proceed. If he says it's going to take longer than you feel you can wait, you have your answer. Consult with a fertility specialist. Make sure you are in the know about your own time frames given the family history. I wanted to have 2 kids before I turned 27 so my house will be empty by age 45.. And I have no regrets. One in highschool, one in college now. 2 more years it's empty nest for me. Kids are a joy and a blessing. I love my boys so much I can't even write all that in this box! If and when you have your babies, no matter who it's with, make sure they are on the same page with you, as a parent and a partner. That's important. Goodluck to you... Hugs!
I think this is good that you know where he thinks he stands on this issue. He does not have a good model to follow - with his parents having so many problems, etc. Plus, he is still young. He has a few years left to make this decision.
You need to ask him WHY. and HOW he thinks children will change his life for the negative.
You should watch him around your sister's children, too.
There are people who really don't want their life complicated or enhanced by children and the thought of parenting scares them. You need to delve into this more - stop your own crying and find out what hurt he has that stops him from thinking he could be a good dad.
Thanks for your replies. I am pretty sure the finances are a big part of this but you're right i would have to ask about this more in depth.
Around my sisters kids he is amazing. I have to think about what to say and how to play but it just comes so naturally to him. Being so good with kids it is confusing that he says he doesn't want them.
So i guess from your posts we need to talk more about what, if any, event has caused him to think he will not be a good dad and why he thinks they will be bad for his life.
Compared to other peoples posts i have read i am younger (most in late 30's) so i do have time. I would rather wait longer and have them then him say we have to split because its too rushed. I think i got scared because they say you start to lose fertility 11 years before your mum had the menopause. She had it at 44 so that means 33 could be when i start to get problems, that is if i don't get any anyway.
I am thinking i should maybe suggest thinking about it again in a few years and if he doesn't think he will have changed his mind by then then i guess a tough decision will have to be made.
Enjoy your sisters children... Babysit, play dates etc and just get a feel for things. Having them around will definitely guide your decisions as you get closer to having your own family. I really wish you both the best. Sound like you are a great couple who will have adorable little ones someday... Hugs