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Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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NOTE: This is a long post, for which I apologize. I've been with my girlfriend for over 8 years now. We just had a baby and have gotten back together after a brief break up in August. We broke up then because after about four years of me being unhappy and not telling her, I came clean. I'm dysthymic, and among other symptoms I tend to not be very expressive. We got back together in October largely for our baby and her two children (who each consider me a parent to a certain degree). We've done some counseling and I'm now on an antidepressant, and it seems like we've made some headway in terms of working together at least. Now the bad part. Last summer, while doing a lot of work with a colleague (I do a lot of work away from home), I started developing feelings for her and it felt to me like there was some chemistry at work between us. I never said anything to her or anyone else about it because I felt wrong for loving someone other than my girlfriend. I never talked about it in counseling, because I knew my girlfriend would kick me to the curb and then I'd be dealing with a whole new can of worms as a single father. The thing is, I still find myself in love with my colleague. I love my job and don't want to quit. I'm trying to fix my relationship. What do I do about my feelings towards my colleague? Telling her could really make the situation at work difficult if she doesn't feel the same way, but not telling her is putting a deep ache in my heart.

Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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How old are you?

Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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35

Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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Dear Dys - Do you have a therapist that you can talk to one on one? Or anyone else? You may need some help getting over this. You said "telling her (your colleague) if she doesn't feel the same" It could be even worse if she did feel the same! What is her relationship status? Children? There are lots of people who could/would be hurt if you pursue this course...think long and hard...not the least of which might be you. Keep in touch. Whatsup

Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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@ WHATSUP: I think you're right about the tharapist, just not right now due to lack of health insurance. I'm not going to tell the colleague, or the girlfriend. A lot of people would be hurt, and I don't want that. I wish I could just get rid of these feelings. Thanks

Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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Hi there. Listen, you need to understand that you can't make everyone happy. You say you are not happy with your girlfriend, but you are still with her. Is that out of pity? If it is because of the kids, you don't have to be in a relationship for you to be there with them. The case now is you have feelings for your colleague. Ok, lets imagine these feelings go away in like a month. Then can you guarantee it won't happen again in future? The mere fact that you have developed feelings for someone else means that the person who you are with right now is not the right person for you. You need to figure out what you want. I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but there will be always someone hurt. As I said you can't keep everyone happy. You have to sort out your priorities. Are you willing to be unhappy for the rest of your life just so you won't hurt your girlfriend? What about your feeling for your colleague? Currently, I assume that you are in control of them, but what if they grew? Then what? Trust me.. the hardest thing is to want someone, and to see that they want you back, but you can't be together. It makes it even more tempting. Think about what you want in life mate. I have to tell you though, that it is a miserable way of living to be unhappy just in order to make someone else happy.

Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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I think you should say something to your colleague if you need to get it off your chest. Tell her you just have to get something off your chest and not to take it the wrong way. Maybe she is not interested in you but she will be flattered that you told her. Maybe she likes you too but doesn't want to ruin what's happening now. If you don't speak up, you could miss out on an opportunity of a life time. If you tell her and she rejects you, maybe your heart will decide it wasn't right and stop all of those weird feelings. You never know. You have to let go of the good things to make room for the greater things.

Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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You are now feeling better - with the help of antidepressants. People and events can be seen with a much nicer attitude when we feel better. You say you love your job, now you think you are in love with your colleague. I wonder if that is coming from you just feeling better about yourself. You just had a baby. That is a big transition. You have other obligations at home. Then there is work - where you say you really like it. Please try to turn and focus on your family right now. You have a lot to lose if you give it all up just because of a feel-good crush. Keep that to yourself.

Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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Hey Dys - I believe you are being very mature about your situation and trying to honor your commitments. Pretty unusual these days when me, me, me, is the by word. Are there any recreations you and the whole family enjoy? Try to do more of them and get the rewards that come from loving others more than yourself. Keep in touch...we can support you in this difficult period of your life. Keep up your level headed approach to life. Whatsup

Trying to do things right, but it feels wrong

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UPDATE: Well I still haven't said anything to my colleague. The situation between her and I has become strange though. She won't speak to me unless I initiate it, and the conversations are usually short and she seems indifferent. We barely make eye contact, and rarely share a smile. I feel as though I've lost a friend and it bothers me because she was someone I could talk to without worrying too much about what I was saying to her. The relationship with my girlfriend hasn't improved, but It hasn't gotten worse either. I'm giving things more time. Perhaps things will fall into place with a little patience.

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