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I've been dating this guy for 3 years now. he has an adult son and daughter living with him and I have a teenager daughter living with me. we recently got married in "muslim" rites but still live separate due to the fact that my 14yr old child recently lost her dad(my ex) 3 months ago. my daughter, I think doesn't approve of me getting someone, I didn't tell her what I did. in terms of finances my husband is the wealthier of us. we are not marries legally,(according to the law of the land).PROBLEM: I recently went for my us visa with this "muslim" marriage certificate. the embassy didn't recognize it. we were told to go and get married legally and then i'll get my visa. so he said ok. he called his lawyer to draw up papers to the effect that if later we "supposedly" were to get divorced his business holdings will be out of the divorce, if I am caught cheating during the divorce i'll walk away with nothing, if he's caught i'll get what I'd originally get if he died plus an unspecified amount. he says this is to protect me later on. I agree with everything but the infidelity clause. it's insulting, especially since from our previous marriage we've both NO history of any cheating. does my age make him feel insecure? I'm 37 and he's 45. I'm always actively exercising and trying to eat right whilst he's obese. he's trying to exercise and has lost tremendous weight. when we met he had no problem with the way I dressed, now he buys me clothes 2 sizes too large and says I need to start dressing maturely, conservatively and like a muslim woman. you didn't have a problem before. ( his first marriage , he says ended in a bitter financial divorce. his business holdings were all frozen during the divorce. please advise me, I'm confused.


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Dear Nickleback,

Congratulations on your recent marriage. Your problem concerning the prenup should be addressed thus: get yourself a lawyer. Your man got one, and so should you. That's the only way a prenup can be fair, especially when there is something about the prenup that you don't like. Seeing a lawyer will also give you better perspective on what you deserve from it. Your lawyer will be able to advice you concerning the infidelity clause or any other concerns you may have. The prenup is a legal document; please do not sign it without a lawyer. And make sure it's not your man's lawyer.

As to requiring you to dress more conservatively, explain to your man that he must accept you as you are the same way you accepted him. Do understand that it is not right for one partner to impose conditions on another. Requiring your partner to eat less, exercise more, stop smoking, convert to a religion and so on, never works in the long run, even when the requirements are good and sensible. You have to be the one to decide to dress more conservatively. And even if you decide to, you may change your mind at any time.

It may be beneficial for you to seek marriage counseling to work out other problems, such as how to tell your daughter. Whatever you do, don't let yourself be pushed into an unfair marriage. It will make you feel resentful later, and that will not be good for you or your man.

Good luck and God bless.

Dr Shamp

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