Complicated break-up advice
on Feb 9 2014 at 15:16
I apologize for the huge wall of text in advance. I was hoping to get some advice for a 2 month 3 relationship that just ended for me a few days ago. I started going out with a co-worker (23f I'm 24m) of mine originally just for sex, she told me she already has a boyfriend and a 15 month old daughter with this guy so nothing serious was ever gonna happen. She told me about how her boyfriend doesn't treat her very well and isn't a great father as well. Well as we started hanging out more we got more attached to each other and it became more than just sex, we both greatly cared for each other. Sometimes she would bring her daughter when we hung out together and she says her daughter bonded better with me than she does her own father does. She was the first one to say "I love you". It's scary how much we have in common, and how quickly we fell for each other. She tells me her boyfriend can't make her orgasm anymore after having had sex with me, that she wishes she met me for years ago when before she and him started dating and her daughter would be mine not his, and all kinds of serious stuff like that. I actually bought her some things, a pink quartz ring and a nice zip up hoodie, and she got attached to one of my hoodies and kept it as well. A few days ago she told me she wanted to end our relationship because she wants to give her boyfriend a fair chance to fix things between them and she says she can't do that if she's seeing me on the side. I was upset at first but I understood. I brought some her things she left at my house because she wanted some of them back (some of it was a fee picture of her and some of her daughters toys she left with me so she could play with something when she came to see me) I thought she was serious and I got back the things I bought for her and told her I will end it as well. As I was leaving with the ring and hoodies and she started crying really hard. I felt bad and called her later and she was upset I took those items back, I didn't know she still wanted to keep them because I thought they would just remind her of me and it wouldn't help if she was trying to work things out with her boyfriend. I eventually called her and talked to her about it and returned the ring and hoodies to her, and she in turn gave back some of the things she left with me (some pictures of her and a stuffed rabbit she's slept with for a very long time). I'm just confused as to why she would want that stuff that reminds her of me if she wanted to fix things with her boyfriend. If anyone could give me some advice on what she might be thinking, I still really care about her and don't want to let go just yet.
on Feb 10 2014 at 00:56
Heads up Holidrizzle,....Your GF hadn't finished her relationship with her partner when she got with you, she still had baggage.
You have been unwittingly a rebound, the third person, and in most affairs, the third person ends up hurt the most.(you)
She even stated you were 'on the side'.
You guys got together pretty well, but she still hadn't finished it properly with the father of her daughter and thus she's back there now, trying to fix it.....not end it.
Take your thoughts further here.
on Feb 10 2014 at 02:32
I feel like she still wants me there on the side, or else why would she want me to keep her things and keep the things I gave to her as well, in-case it doesn't work out between her and her baby daddy. I feel like I want to wait a while to see what happens. I believe he'll mess up again like always and she'll come back to me.
on Feb 10 2014 at 02:58
I know that you are biased being in the situation yourself, but as I understand it she is really looking to mend the relationship between her and her boyfriend. Unfortunately she seems to have used you to get the attention and love not given to her by her boyfriend, the father of her own child. She seems guilty about the whole thing and now wants to make everything right again. Even though you really care about her she is just going to keep going back to him. You deserve better and I know it hurts, but you really need to cut all ties with her before you find yourself waiting forever for someone who won't take the time to love you properly. You should be her number one priority not her second choice.
on Feb 10 2014 at 03:13
You're exactly right, Holdrizzle, she still wants you on the side in case things don't work out?!?
She needs to end it properly and get over her relationship with her partner well and truly before she can be any good for you. Forget about gifts, focus on her respect for you.
She needs to see that she's is being very unfair to you and your heart while she goes back to her partner. She either ends it or contributes to repair it. When we repair relationships, sometimes it takes a hell of a long time and it takes a big commitment from both.
She can't do either while she has you on the side. She needs to cut you off completely and you her, if she's to have any chance of doing anything positive about her current relationship.
She owes it to herself, her partner and most importantly, in this case, to YOU, to do the right thing. But she needs to consider her daughter's well being first and foremost.
If/when she comes back to you, she'll need to come back completely 'free' of her current partner. The only common ground they will have is that he is the father of their daughter.
That way, you'll no longer just be 'on the side'. Then and only then, will she be able to truly cherish your gifts.
on Feb 10 2014 at 06:16
The thing that confused me the most is I thought she wanted to try and mend things with her guy so the other night I took back my hoodie and the one I bought for her plus the ring. When I did that she started to cry really bad as I left. I called her later that night and asked why she was crying so much when I left. She said she was upset I took those things from her, I was very confused because if you're trying to fix a relationship with someone, you can't have someone elses things that just remind you of that other person. I ended up giving it all back to her the next day and she had the biggest smile i've ever seen. She still calls me almost every day and says she loves me. Its really damn confusing. Would it be a good idea to just ask for everything back again and return all the stuff she left with me? Part of me thinks that would just drive her away even more, and not make it like there's something waiting for her.
on Feb 10 2014 at 15:07
I have decided to do closure on my end, I am going to return all of her things to her and ask for my hoodie back, and cut ties. She can keep the ring and hoodie I got for her. I really appreciate everyone's feedback it has been non-sugar coated real truth.
I am going to try to be nice about it however, I do not wish to possibly hurt her, but it may happen. It might be weird considering we still work together but I'm sure it'll get better soon.
Again thank you everyone for your advice much appreciated.