My fiance has a ex girl friend who is weird
So my fiance says there is nothing between them. I believe him and that should lay it to rest, right? Apparently not. Let's skip everything and get to the latest distress she has caused...During his recent surgery she was texting his sister that she was afraid he was going to die and that she would never see him again so she needed a picture immediately when he was seen because she couldn't be at the hospital. So sister sends the picture. After his mother and I brought him home and his sister and my brother left the three of us to rest, a very mutual decision was made that my Fiance in particular but also his mother and I needed some quiet time with no visitors. So I politely communicated that to others and particularly in a respectful and private manner to the ex girl friend. She decided all of a sudden that I was keeping him away from her. So I blew up since I was at my worst and I told her to stop acting like his wife without the physical side of it. Finally after many fights between my fiance and I, he told her that if she couldn't be my friend then he respected me and she needed to shut her mouth. So far, no word from her for just a couple of weeks. The history of this girl's behavior tells me that it is not the last time we hear from her, even if my fiance never contacts her, ever. How should I handle the next time she invades? She is SO invasive. I can rattle off soooo many things. Help me, please! I only want to love and be kind but I struggle so much hating this girl. I am 27, he is 32, and she is 30. We are old enough to know when to butt out of people's business and have boundaries.
Lizzie? It isn't your battle to fight love. Firstly an ex is an ex for a reason yes? There should be absolutely NO contact whatsoever between your fiance and this, quite frankly deluded, woman. Whether she contacts him or not. Secondly his sister had absolutely NO right whatsoever in sending her a picture of him as he has nothing to do with her or the other way round. Yes? OK. So why isn't this your battle? Because YOUR fiance (NOT hers) needs to sort it out instead of trying to play the nice guy so HER feelings don't get hurt. What about your feelings? They count AND they matter. Time to put things to rest. TELL your fiance that this is his responsibility NOT yours to get this behaviour stopped by not only blocking her and deleting her form every single aspect of his life because YOU are unhappy and your happiness matters way before hers AND to speak to his sister that she is in no way to encourage this deranged woman who obviously is obsessed with your fella. This is NOT on! YOU come first. OK? Do it as soon as you read this. Jeez I'd have fallen out with my fiance and his sister big time already and had a massive hissy fit! I think you've been great but sweet you so need to stand up for yourself and stop being so understanding, I'm soft but really?
Can I show him what you said because I'm pretty certain I have told him the same thing. That's why he finally said something to her. Actually, I told him to take care of it more than a year ago. The truth is, I'm just trying have some peace and I get real upset if I think about her coming back. Because he says he handled it, its almost forbidden to talk about between him and I. That makes it harder on me. Lose-lose. Trying to get some words of wisdom and peace, here.
Lizzie, take two steps back from your fiance and have a good look at him. If you asked him a year ago, then what's going on?
If you state you are a mature group of people, then your finance is sadly lacking.
While he allows his ex in your relationship, you will always fight with him. Has he really got over her? Why is it almost forbidden for you pair to talk about it? That's almost controlling.
Take your thoughts a bit further and think about it.
HAHA I said we are old enough to have some respect for others. Yes, you are correct, he is sadly lacking in the mature category in different aspects of his life and obviously, particularly, this one. However, I do see him growing. He just doesn't "get it" when it comes to this. I know he is not interested in her. It's her obsession with him that kills me because she is divisive. Why in the heck would she tell him that if I was not there to take care of him then she would be? Because she's his "friend"? No ma'am, certainly not. That's what makes me so wounded and helpless. Because he just says I know, or thank you to crap like that. It strings her along and it strings me along, too. I just don't know how to communicate with him in a way so he will "get it". I don't know how I can explain my point of view. I obviously have tried and tried and all it's won me is nag title. I guess I'm on here hoping to become better versed. So that I can talk to him about it again, because I need to. I need to be able to talk to him about it and him listen and be understanding. I'm going to. I just want it to be the right thing to say so he "gets it" and is in no way turned off. He will. And like I said, as far as I know, she has not contacted him for maybe two weeks. But I KNOW for a fact, that she will and it's not my place to tell her off. It's his.
He can't set boundaries with someone when he himself doesn't understand and believe that what I've been pointing out this whole time is TRUE. Him loving me and wanting me and working with me, is not questionable. It's what is he going to do about it? Is he going to put his whole heart into this with me? I have been MORE than understanding of him in this situation and that IS a fact. It's his turn to really hear what I have to say. And I'm not saying "hear" in any sort of prideful way, I'm saying "hear" as in actively take the time to weigh and measure what I'm really saying. And then tell me if he agrees or disagrees. If he truly disagrees, and he wants to be friends with her, disagreeing with what I'm saying and not set these boundaries I'm talking about, then shame on him for having me in his life in the first place. And what I'm trying to say here, we all get, so why is it so hard for me to put into a very simple little, speach?
Yes, HEAR4U has a valid point, I need to stand up for myself. I do, I just never do it the right way.
Lizzie, if you state you are all old enough to have some respect for others, then I'm sorry, your fiance has very little for you.
If he had, regardless of how immature or 'deaf' he is to your pleas, he would have knocked this problem on the head ages ago.
If he had respect for you, then he would made sure that you are happy with ALL that is going on in your relationship with him. And he would have made damn sure, his annoying ex was history.
You're correct and HEAR4U is correct, it's his problem, not yours..but it becomes your problem when you become continually upset and hurt when he allows his ex to interfere constantly regardless if she's divisive and obsessive.That's why you're here on this forum.
And you are tentatively waiting for the next time she does it.
How can you have a relationship when you're turning around all the time and fighting off his ex? We all know she has no right. We all 'get it'.
How can you be completely happy with this man you're engaged to marry, if he strings you BOTH along because he doesn't have any 'backbone'? The only 'backbone' he has is YOU.
You need to understand that HEAR4U has assisted you with an immediate issue of your finance letting his obsessive ex be in your life. But my point is, why does he do this? This issue stems from a greater issue. There has to be a reason. Take your thoughts back to him and see who he really is to allow this to happen and I doubt that it's because he just doesn't 'get it'.
He needs to able to give you predictability and stability in your relationship, and not frustration and anger. You wouldn't feel so wounded or helpless because he wouldn't put you in this situation in the first place if he was genuine...forget about immaturity.
If you had the reciprocated love, trust, honesty and respect that you have for him, then you wouldn't be here.
It doesn't matter how you say to him and how many times you say it, if he stubbornly refuses to solve HIS problem, then you are going to be affected to such an extent, you may eventually walk away regardless of the "shame on him for having you in his life".
And you may walk away with a very tired soul from constantly and unwittingly trying to right a wrong which had no place in your relationship in the first instance.
I guess we will just have to wait until the next time I become aware of them talking or her messenging him. I feel like I'm in the wrong if I bring it up out of "no where". He also is likely to hide it from me if it starts up again anyway. I mean, she will. This is so stupid