What does he actually want?
Normally, I wouldn't go online asking for help but I feel at a loss in this particular situation. I'm 21 and the guy is 23. We met roughly 4 months ago. It was at a mutual friends party and we clicked. My birthday was 2 weeks later and he came out to celebrate. It was my 21st so he ended up taking me home and staying the night however we didn't have sex. He did go down on me twice but didn't try to help himself. It surprised me and made me think twice about him. Then we hung out for the next week. By the end of the week we were sleeping together and he spent nearly every night at my apartment.
About 3 weeks in, his brother called him when I was "sleeping" and he told him he was at his girlfriends house. I didn't tell him I was awake right then but I sort of freaked out. It hadn't even been a month and it was so so fast... He got really drunk a few nights after that call and was supposed to come home with me from a party but he wouldn't leave so I left him there because it was 3AM. About 10 minutes after I left he called me 4 times. I didn't pick up because I pissed off honestly - he'd been all over another girl, we'll call her Sarah (who I later learned was one of his best friends who had just broken up with his best guy friend). Anyways, the next day I told him I needed break and it was all too much. He said okay. The next day, I got some horrible news and just really needed him so I asked him to come over. He did. No questions asked. Just walked in, took me to bed and held me all night until he had to go to work.
Things seemed okay and then a few days later I asked him to come to party so he could meet my friends since we were always with his/our mutual friends. He said okay but then ditched to go to the gym. Once he realized I was upset he begged to come to the party but I was already home. He came to my place when I said he could come over and we talked and he stayed the night. He was a bit upset too because he said "It's early, it should be easy right now but you're making it hard." In my head I couldn't help but think "Well yeah because you keep messing up!" which isn't entirely fair but not explaining the Sarah situation and then ditching on the party right after it just seemed sketchy to me. But we talked and said we were exclusive, which made me feel like I could trust him, and everything seemed like it was working out. He seemed a little off after that night but I was finally thinking we were okay and things were going well because we'd talked. That following weekend changed everything.
We got to the party and he went out to smoke and apparently told all our friends I was his girlfriend. I was cool with it but it was a little weird because I was like “Yeah, of two days.” Haha. His roommates girlfriend pulled me aside and was like what’s going on? She told me she didn’t think he was ready for a relationship and wanted to know where my head was. I just said I don’t know because I thought and still think all that is between you and the person you’re with and no one else. Anyways, I got pretty drunk that night and he pulled me off the floor and said "We need to talk.” Then he told me it was too fast and too serious for him (which I’d said all along and which is why I was so freaked out before) and that he couldn’t handle a relationship right now. I was drunk so I freaked out on him and said the classic “It’s not you, it’s me.” And stormed out.
We had a few days apart in silence but then it was his birthday so I texted him a simple “Happy Birthday.” He said thanks and I asked him the next day if we could talk. He said Sure! Then an hour later saying he was continuing his birthday drinking but later we could talk. I sent him a text asking if he was still coming over. Nothing. 3 hours later, another text. Nothing. An hour later, text. Nothing. I finally sucked it up and called and got nothing from him. I begged him to come over and see me. I was in a pretty low place and definitely lost some pride that night. But I missed him and just needed to talk to him to figure things out. The last text I sent him said “I don’t know what to say other than please.” (in reference to asking him to come over). I never heard anything from him.
We went a month in silence. I had too much pride to text him after that night and I honestly don’t know his reason, hence me being on here telling you all this. New years came and went without seeing each other. Then at the beginning of February we ended up at the same place. He was drunk but acted like nothing had changed between us in all that time. It put me at ease and I acted the same. He asked if he could kiss me and I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. Obviously because we’d never talked and I had no clue what we were or what was going on. Anyways, end of the night, he kissed me right before I left.
I waited two days and then texted him asking where his head was at and telling him I was confused. The response I got was: “That kiss just sort of happened. I don’t know where my head is. I just know I can’t handle a relationship right now.” It hurt to hear it “just happened.” I said okay and left it at that. We saw each other again but only briefly.
Most recently, we were at the same party this last weekend. We talked a little bit but it was the same “I can’t handle a relationship right now” however he always says how much he cares about me either right before or after he says that. Another note, when a mutual friend asked him this weekend if he was just scared he said yes. Anyways, We ended up making out and he gave me a ride home and stayed but nothing happened other than sleeping in the same bed – we were both too drunk for much else. We did talk a little bit though and I asked what he wanted. He said he didn’t know. I said do you just want to hook up then? He said yes. Seems to be a little conflicting to me. In the morning, not much was said but he kissed me and it lead to him going down on me. But after that, he said he had to go to work and so we got up and dressed. My emotions were all over the place because I was confused.
The place I eventually came to in my mind was that I couldn’t let him control or dictate how I feel anymore. I’ve spent so much time in my head trying to figure out what he wants that I didn’t think about what I want. I’m honestly not sure. I wanted to date him at first but not be in a relationship which is what I thought he wanted at some point too. But now… he came over today and we talked for an hour or so about whatever, nonsense. I told him, based off of what he said Saturday (which he was blacked out and didn’t remember anything) that we were on the same page. He has no idea what he said and I didn’t tell him so there’s still some confusion in the air. We ended up making out for a while but I honestly didn’t feel the same way I used to. It was just physical in that moment I think in big part because I’m fed up with the situation.
I guess my dilemma is 1. Where is his head truly at and what does he really want? And then 2. Myself. After all the bullshit and crying and hurt from him a part of me is just plain bitter. I mean say he does really care and now I’m feeling unemotional, is it screwed up to keep him as a friends with benefits? It seems like that to me. But if he doesn’t actually care either will one of us start caring if we do continue to hook up? We pretty much both said we were going home together after this party this upcoming weekend. I’m expecting to have sex and he is too. We’ve usually gone to my place and he stays the night but I was thinking to change things and go to his place so I could leave after the actual act. Hook ups don’t sleep over – girlfriends do. I’m not his girlfriend. I should clarify that I want to keep sleeping with him. That’s not the issue. I just don’t know if it’s good for either one of us. And I want to know from outsiders perspective what the hell ya’ll think happened. Did I screw it up in the first place by being too emotional? Do you think he cared at all ever? And lastly, what do you think I should do now?
I know this was an extremely long question but it had a lot of background info and I’m just really desperate for some help. Thank you if you do respond and thanks again for taking the time to read/respond.
Confused, personally I'm completely at loss as to why you can't see the only time you guys sort of connect is when you're both drunk. If you're in the party environment than you're going to connect with 'casuals'.
If you need alcohol to be able to socialize then no wonder you keep on getting confused.
He tries to do the right thing, but does the complete opposite, and then uses alcohol as an excuse the next time he sees you....?!
When you state, "he had no idea what he said" from the effects of alcohol, then how can you seriously give this guy any credibility?
On the other hand, alcohol aside, his actions right from your initial hookup, should tell you where he's coming from and if you were his priority, then you wouldn't be here on this forum. It's quite obvious that what he says and what he does are two different things...and he's pretty adept at stringing you along.
Ask yourself what you need in a relationship and then ask yourself if he provided it.
And if you want to stay friends with benefits, then be prepared for more confusion and bitterness in your life.
He is too young to know what he wants , kid acting with his drinking .