For better or worse, richer or poorer
I've been friends , best friends with a man in Australia . We've spoken almost everyday via the net or phone in all this time with the exception of his taking a few walk-abouts . He has promised and worked out coming to America to be with me in all this time many times . Something always comes up though . He gives himself a 6 month time window and the first 3 months of this window everything is perfect , the last 3 months things spiral down to fights and his abusive tongue . I've dated 3 times in all this time too , almost left him to marry one of the men , which turned out to be a disaster . But P said he would always forgive my dating when he couldn't come , however I refuse to date again and sit with him on the side , because its very abusive when he throws it at me . He has had the money 3 times , large sums of money too but he is/was a compulsive gambler and threw the money back at the track or casino , and then went on walk-abouts for as much as 9 weeks . So its safe to say we have been an off again on again . He makes me feel like a dumb , not worth a dime person in these 3 months we spiral . He brings up the men I have been with , but I am not allowed to speak about the woman he loves and lives with . His son's mother , whom I have spoken to and she knows of me and has one time wished us well . They have a platonic relationship according to both of them but live together because of low finances thru the years . I am not allowed to speak about the times he lied , cheated online , watched cams of women , chatrooms he went too where he created constant drama . I am looking for advice not on how to keep this relationship going , coz as of this last week I have seen the toxic ways its destroying my health and well being , I need advice on how to end this in my heart and mind . Even tho I can't stand the stuff he does , I love this man dearly , the man he is half the year we speak . I cannot just throw away relationships , even the toxic one's . This one tho needs a dramatic make over , and either I sit and just allow his verbal abuse and love me when he can or I end up with 10 yrs of my life wasted and move on with lots of baggage ... any advice .
Ann, as with any other failed relationship, all you need to do is cut this guy out of your life. 10 years is substantial but you need 'no contact' to find your peace.
You already know that while you continue to allow him to manipulate you and your life, you will be miserable. You've ticked every box as to why you don't need him.
This could be the one relationship you need to throw away completely, because if you state it's destroying your health, then you really need to move on yesterday.
If you nearly married another guy in the States when you were tired of waiting for this guy, then you can't love him that 'dearly'. You shelved him, but couldn't go through with marriage because you hadn't resolved anything with him.
You are in no way compelled to allow this guy to stay in your life. Yes, there's benefits in all relationships, even the toxic ones and while you owe this guy absolutely nothing, you owe to yourself to move on.
The sooner you do this, the sooner you will find happiness with someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
Cut him loose. If he really wanted to come visit you, he would. End of story. This whole thing doesn't sound right. Anyone can pretend to be anything over the internet.
You are much better off seeking a real relationship closer to home.