Fidelity?

Posted by
CJ
on Jul 28 2008 at 22:33
Member since: 28 September 2007
S-e-x advice forum category advice forum category I met a guy in early May. We hit it off straight away, and within a week we were making what I felt was real love.He was the most considerate funny entertaining lover Ihave ever had, and I did things with him that Ihad never done before. He went away for a coupla days then came back to me. He was really happ y to see me and wanted to come and stay, which he did. It was not a ll about sex. we spent ages just chattin to each other and gettin ot know each other and found that we clicked on so many levels it was kinda spooky. I was startin to fall for him, in a big way.... After a while, a few weeks, he got very drunk and told me that while he was away he had had sex with another woman. I accepted that we were both free people and were not committed to each other, as he was here from australia and would be going back a few weeks later. After another week, he came back and stayed till he left for australia a few weeks later, in June. We cried when we parted, he has been calling me at least three times a week, texting me 8-10 times a day, and chatting on the internet. Then I bought a webcam, so we started seeing each other online, and ......well I am not saying here. But it was like he was here, and I was there. He has been back for about five weeks and last week told me he was babysittin for an old friend of his who had three kids. It turns out that when he was drunk the other night, he told me that he had slept with her twice since he has been back, but he was not really satisfied with her, and she told him to go because he was drunk. I got upset, because I thought that with all the contact since he had been back and tellin me he was gonna come and see me in October, that Iactually met something to him. He says I do. he says he didnt want to fall in love with me but he did, but I am not there and he has to go on with his own life, and that he doesn't care if I have sex with anybody else as long as I imagine its him. How do I deal with that? I have to carry on with my life, and I told him that the best things were worth waitin for, and that I thought he was worth waitin for, but he would not say the same to me. I can't get this bit out of my head - the bit that he said that he had fallen in love with me. I would have thought if he had, then I would be worth waitin for, surely...
Reply from
SAM
on Jul 29 2008 at 15:56
- unregistered user
falling in love can be one of the most difficult things in the world, there are so many factors that need to be taken into consideration. Distance has to be a major factor and the worst factor and its nothing you can change is his own personal rules and guidelines when it comes to relationships and falling in love we all have them normally having been caused by pain in the past.

Honestly thou if he doesn't have the respect to tell you the truth then its time to let him go

Reply from
BEACHBOY
on Aug 8 2008 at 08:55
Member since: 06 August 2008
CJ I cannot judge this guy as i have never met him but can comment on what you have said. I think he does like you and maybe the other woman too. When he says she does not satisfy him does he mean sexually or intellectually? that is important. Dont let him choose you because he thinks your better sex than her. You are right good sex is great but not the basis of a relationship its a nice bonus. I dont think hes bad just not being honest with you and hedging his bets. The fact that you clicked will be on his mind too, he will have to decide if he could find anyone else with the same click factor and who loves him like you do. He says he didn't mean to fall in love with you, well maybe he didn't and thats scared him a bit. I presume in your chats you have told him how you feel about him and thats all you can do. I know its hard but don't rest your hopes and life on him being with you, yes keep him in the frame but he must come to you and be honest one way or the other or else all else is doomed for a future relationship. The distance is a problem and you must consider that carefully. You sound like a caring loving girl and i wish you all the best! x
Reply from
CJ
on Aug 8 2008 at 09:12
Member since: 28 September 2007
thank you sam and beachboy for your replies. I have still had loads of contact with this man, with him calling me about four times a week and emailing me about four or five times most days. He has now told me that he has gone to the other side of australia, and is staying with a woman he was in school with, who happens to be a phone sex worker! I really don't know what to think here - if he is sleeping with her or not. I am afraid to ask him as it is none of my business really, but I want to know - if anything, to see if he is the sleeparound I am now starting to think he is. He has already slept with one woman whilst in the beginning of our friendship (the one he went away to see in Kent), and has already slept with an old friend of his when he got back to australia. Now I am afraid that he will have slept with this phone sex worker too. At least he was honest enough to offer to me that he was staying with her, though when I originally asked him where he was and who he was staying with, he just said "friends of mine from school", implying it was a couple, until I texted him and said that he was a free man and could sleep with whoever he wanted. It was at that point that he told me she was a phone sex worker. I really like this man, although I know he has lots of (maybe self-inflicted) problems with alcohol. I sense deep down that he wants to sort himself out before coming back, but if he is carrying on drinking and sleeping around, he is not ideal relationship material. He has recently started telling me he loves me at the end of each phone call, and each text he sends usually ends with 'lots of love, hugs, kisses to my favourite friend'. Do you think he is just keeping his options open till he gets back, or do you think that when he gets back he wants to take advantage of me and my love for him? I really don't know what to do. He has told me that he has, in the past, spent too much money on people but never got the return he hoped for, but with me, he is not making any commitment, but if I want to sell up and travel out there to be with him, I am invited to share, and that it's up to me. My gut feeling is that it could work with him, but it is one hell of a big risk to take. What should I do?
Reply from
BEACHBOY
on Aug 10 2008 at 19:12
Member since: 06 August 2008
CJ

I think this guy really does like you as i said before but he seems troubled. You mentioned the alcohol, i know from my own experience of drinking too much at the wrong times (not all the time) can push people away and therefore the need is greater for him to find another 'mate'. I wouldn't read into the fact that the phone sex worker is what she is and is therefore a sex maniac that isn't neccessarily true, its her job and she may hate it. I do as i said before think he is keeping his options open, the distance between you too is big for a relationship and would involve honesty and true commitment, i know people do it and succeed but these two things must be strong. If i was you i wouldn't pack up and go there fo him, you don't have enough assurance and too many doubts about him to do that. I know you said you hit it off real well and sex was good but that can be found with more than one person and sometimes it feels like it isn't and what you have will never be beaten. You should let him come to you and show the commitment after all he is the one sleeping around, honest or not, you are not giving him any doubts or insecurities. Don't doanyhting foolish, thinka about you its not selfish you are what matters. imagine if this guy lived a 100 miles away in this country and you up sticks to go and he doesn't turn out to be who you thought, you would be devasted and in a mess, possibly stranded away from your friends and family so why would you got to the other side of the world if you are unsure. play harder but with feelings nad e will either respond in your favour or disapear and carry on playing his games elesewhere. i think he is insecure and unsure of what he wants and that is not bad but using you as comfort pillow when he wants is not right. Let us know how things go. x

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