Wondering if things should continue
I met my fiancé (lets call him Malik) 1 1/2 years ago. He was a friend of my daughters boyfriend (Tony) and helped us move. Malik had something about him that I was drawn to. Nothing was said at this time. about 6 months later Tony told me that his friend was into me and I started smiling and said I said the same thing. Anyway, about a week later the two guys ended up at our house to hang out. This became a regular thing. Malik and I started talking and getting to know each other. We both agreed that all this was going to be was a friend with benefits situation, even though it took a little while to even sleep together. He lived with his baby's mom, and I got out of a bad relationship about 9 months earlier. Well the guys came over more and more often. We got to know each other pretty well. He wasn't happy with his current situation and we seemed to grow closer and closer. I admit I wanted more than he did after a while. He didn't drive so I would drop him off in the middle of the night or morning a block away from his house, where he lived with her. One night while he was here with me and getting ready to leave, I told him I was falling in love with him. He just looked at me a little confused with a smile on his face. He never brought the phone in the bedroom with him because she would call him non-stop. A few months went by and he called me one day saying he was leaving her and he would take a cab to my house with his stuff so she couldn't follow. Well, that night didn't happen. Instead he called me and said we needed to talk. We went for a ride, talked about a lot of things, which is the first time he had me talk to a family member on the phone (one that he goes to with his problems or just advice). We talked for a while and she told me that she can hear the smile in his voice when he talks about me. I didn't know before this anyone knew about me. A couple of weeks later I went out of town and met a couple members of his family without him. They all seemed to like me. He must have called 20 times that night to make sure everything was ok. This is the first night he said he loved me. Things were said from that time on how he was leaving her but it wasn't the time, after the holidays. He said he knew how she was and that she wont make it easy for us or for him to be able to see his son. A month or so later his mother was visiting and staying at my house unknown to her. Anyway a lot of things blew up that night and he ended up moving in with me. This is what I wanted, just not the way I wanted it to happen. Since then we have had great times and some not so good moments. His baby's mom is not happy and I can understand that. Neither one of us planned on this happening. We just want to be happy and enjoy life. She has been at my house and forced her way in and tore up my living room and breaking things. He asked me not to call the police, so I didn't. I respected his wishes, because he thought that something would happen to her kids, oh she has 4, 1 with him. I tried talking to her, I even apologized for the way things were. I have never been the other woman. Now I have to deal with her calling all times of the day non-stop. I know his child is the first priority in his life and he will do whatever he needs to do. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, and that he sacrificed being with his son day and night. This means a lot that he chose me. I just don't seem like I am ever put first. He is still friends with her on FB. his reasoning is so he can see pictures that she posts of the kids. hmmm. If you have mutual friends you would be able to see them anyway. He says he doesn't want to be around her because she nags and begs him to come back. But them he goes over there, saying its to see the kids. She will not allow him to bring his child to our house so he always has to find somewhere else to go. I am not a jealous person, I am just uncomfortable with him over there and the fact that she says she will never give up. He keeps saying he chose me and he is here, that I am who he wants to be with. He just cant break any of the unnecessary ties. Did I mention that we are engaged? I told him to pick a date and he has yet to do so. I asked him, it just felt right. I don't mind coming 2nd to his child, but I wont to another woman. Our communication has been great, up until he moved in. If I express my feelings, sometimes he gets upset and tries to turn the tables on me, saying he just wants to live life and be happy and stop bringing things up. How can I stop when things keep happening. I have always had trust issues and he has been the 1st person I trusted completely. Then he told a lie. He didn't cheat or anything (that I know of) but now my trust level is about 75%. I need it at 100. What do I do? I want to plan my future. I am a planner. I know things happen and nothing is for certain. I cant picture my life without him. He tells me I have no worries, but at times I'm not so sure. Do I let this play out and continue this way, or should I cut my losses now? His family and I have become close. They are like my family now too.
Trying, his actions are speaking and they are telling you he's not quite over the mother of his child.
He would be with you 100% if he was truly over her. In fact, you are unwittingly 'the other woman' whether you want to be or not.
How can you plan your future with a man you can't trust 100%? How can you be engaged to be married to a man who has 'baggage'?
He needs to be completely free and refreshed for him to be of any good for you and your relationship with him. The fact that his ex continually rings night and day should give you a heads up of where you really stand with him and where his situation with her really is.
Sure, he may be trying to keep her happy for his child's sake but you need to understand, that for him to be completely happy with you, he needs to prevent his ex from intruding in your life. She needs to accept that their relationship is truly over. While he continues to go there, and continually allows her to have her own way with his child and continues to FB her, then he is still 'with' her in a sense.
He'll never resolve it while he does this and the meantime, you're engaged to him waiting for him to set a date....
Actions speak, and his actions are saying the complete opposite of the words he's saying to you. And while you don't mind coming second to his child, you really should be his number one priority as well as his child.
Listen to your "not so sure" comment, it's your inner voice talking to you.
You can't have a new life without sorting out his previous life and from what you are saying...its going to take lots of time. In this time things can turn either way too. She is not accepting the breakup and he is confused. Best would be either to prepare yourself to wait for a long while along with uncertainity or prepare yourself to move on.
He says he wants to "just live life and be happy."
Sounds like he is doing just that.