PeoplesProblems Logo

15 year relationship ended! I hate myself

Default profile image
In January this year my fiance and i separated after a drunken argument ended wrongly. I am ashamed to tell you that during the argument i slapped the person i love so dearly in the face. I regret this deeply. I can hear the cogs turning in everybodys mind 'he's violent, deserves this probably'. Well i am not violent and yes i may deserve to be on my own and without her at the moment because of what i did and because i new it was wrong the moment i did it, i am hurting. My fiance has been living with her parents for the last 6 months and doing a couse for a job which was planned for september this year but she brought it forward due to the circumstances which i totally understood. She has only worked for 12 months in the 12 years that we have lived together as she has suffered from depression and dyslexia. I have worked throughout and supported us both financially which i have wanted to do as i love her very much. we were in bad debt for 6 years thankfully out of it now and it was my debt that i brought into the relationship. she stood by me throughout and with help from her parents we got through although there were some uneasy times. during that period my father passed away and i began to drink whenever there was a problem or stress and i would bottle up problems and emotions and then blow out saying the wrong things to her. this has happened about 5 times in the 15 years and she has forgiven me as she knows it is not me just when i drink. This time i did it again but with the physical slap! i am still supporting her financially while she studies and have paid for the job course and all other expenses. The problem i have know is that i love her very much but she has new friends from the course which i was pleased about as we both lost our friends when we were in debt and that was not healthy for our relatoinship. she goes out most weekends with these friends and i have recently found the contraceptive pill and she is registered on a dating site which she foolishly used my email address to join with. The pill is not good for depression and hormones as she tried it in the past so i know she is taking it for the other reason. I have asked her why and she says thats what single women do yet she has not told me we are over, she stays at the house sometimes and we went out for a meal the other night. I love her very much and regret what i did and have thought hard about bringing about changes to myself, the main one being i dont drink any more nearly 6 months done. she has dated other men and has told me this which hurts me so much. i am in turmoil and don't want to push her as she has a month left on her course which will open up a career for which i have always wanted her to have. i have written a letter explaining all my regrets, feelings, emotions and honest analysis of her,our relationship,me and the changes i am bringing about for the better but cant find the moment or even know if it is right to give it to her.we have a good home and i bought her a car as she needed this for travel to the course as it is not local. i am a kind loving person who just wobbled when not coping and i am not condoning what i did but i feel so lost and empty and that doing what i think is right is killing me.anyone please help me as sometimes i sit at home and just want to die. Yours Hurting and Regretting

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-2