Wife wants children someday, husband doesn't = both unhappy
Hello, I will try to explain as much as I can without waffling. Please when reading this don't jump to the instant conclusion that I am a turd, or if you do then respectfully keep it to yourself. I know the situation that we are in is less than ideal for both if us and it's just a sad place to be. I met my now wife 4 years ago at uni, our relationship was a rush of romance, meals out and piss ups with mates, we have lit was amazing. We got married a couple of years ago, before we married we had a sort of discussion about kids but we obviously weren't clear enough about our future wants. I did make some noises that I would be ok with kids in the future but I'd never had kiddy cravings etc "we"made a 3 year plan and I sort of went along with it as being a bloke it was way off in the future and I didn't want to have a fight about it, which was a mistake as all I did was store up problems for now. Anyway my wife is older than I am and she feels time is ticking. Which I suppose it is, her friends are all older too and they are all having kids, she is constantly bombarded with Facebook, family and friend kids and pregnancies. I am completely in uninterested - repulsed. Seeing how their lives have turned into a constant barrage of no sleep, or money, shitty nappies, crying and worrying, not being able to leave the house before midday and everyone being in pjs all day. I have done a LOT of reading and research on the topic of having kids and what it does to people and couples, I have a very high IQ and tend to make decisions based on evidence and to me all the evidence is saying no. I am content with my life ATM, it's no way perfect but it'll do and I don not feel like the addition of a kid would in anyway benefit it.
Anon, regardless of the evidence of the total 'mayhem' of having children, you really need to have the NEED to commit to having children.
It's a big responsibility and once a parent, always a parent. We never stop being one, even in our twilight years when we are great grandparents etc.
If you don't have the need and you are 'dragged' into it, (where you may be keeping your significant other half happy) the chances are you'll make a reluctant and even hostile parent.
On the other hand, when we fear something, sometimes when we actually confront it and do it, we often wonder what all the bother was about in the first place.
If your wife can't see your opinion of becoming a parent, and her clock is ticking, then most likely, and depending on her level of love for you, she will find someone who will share her need to become a parent.
You may also mature and when you reach your wife's age, your outlook may change, even if you cringe at the thought now.
Give it a bit longer and negotiate an extended plan because if you are 'railroaded' into it at present, you'll both regret it..and you'll have a child which will be missing out if you both are unhappy.
And just a heads up, Anon, if you didn't want to have to fight about the subject years ago, it should have been a warning to you that if you needed/wanted your wife in your future, then children were always going to be big part of that future as well.
It's really ironic, but I understand how you feel. I'm the reverse of your situation.
I am a woman and I don't want any kids. My spouse threatened to leave early in the relationship since I didn't share the same desire to have children. I was SO in love and thought that the feeling to want them would eventually grow on me, but it hasn't. I don't even really like babysitting.
So many people have told me in my lifetime that I am selfish because I am a WOMAN and it's every woman's duty to procreate. I just don't feel that way. I really think that I would be a bad parent and would resent the child and I don't think that is fair.
So what do you do? Leave a long term commitment or give in to make your spouse happy?
Anaon - you take the chance of losing this woman if you back out on the impression you gave that you wanted kids. Think about this.
Also - remember that all other children are not yours. All those things you listed MAY happen but are really a part of life and coping with others. If you have no room in your heart for other people, then you need to tell her NOW.
Yes, things DO change when you have kids. If you are adamant about not wanting children you really need to tell this woman - NOW.
Loving kids or not is something that comes naturally to people, cannot be forced on.
May be some of the reasons we have kids is
1. Kids give us an aim/direction in life to achieve more by building pressure on us indirectly to provide for them too. We aim to grow higher in our career.
2.Kids do irritate us, sleepless nights, trouble us with nappies and all but the question is how long? In a few years they grow up to start becoming your friend. They try to help you with your chores, love you unconditionally.
3. They give you a chance to nurture and mold them as to how you want them to be. And when they go out and achieve make you feel proud.
4.When you return home from work, in a few years from now the house will start looking empty with love going into the background. When kids are around they reinforce the love and support into the foreground between couples as any issues are dealt with together.
5. In old age when you have no one around you, possible kids might give you the much required support (monetarily or emotionally)
Hi that is a sticky one. I am a female and have never wanted kids . My last relationship the guy wanted kids and I did not.
My reasons for not wanting kids was that I was not a confidant person around kids, I had other worries in my head. Plus I am the youngest so not much exposure to kids which is also a contributing factor.
Since I am getting older and near the age of possibly having kids it has been playing on my mind. Its something that is there for me if I want it but I need to have the right , partner, job, environment etc . So I do not have that in place so it may pass me buy. I am saddened by it in ways but in other ways Ill be okay. I would like to have direction ans all that, but I think too many people have kids that did not want too and resent them. I am one of those kids, it hurts and messes you up. I guess I would never want anybody else to ever feel like I did as kid. I think you could spend some time around kids, take them for a week , and really embrace the idea of it. As I say it is both your lives and she may resent it if it passes her by.
Talk to her.....
hi,somebody has to give in here you wont be able to sustain your relationship and end up in a mess