Attraction of a friend
Currently, I have a friend who is also my coworker. To many people the dynamics of our relationship seem to be on the lines of a brother and sister relationship(meaning we pick on each other and joke around alot about how we hate each others guts). Eventually this relationship developed further and we exchanged numbers and began to text back and forth as friends nothing intimate. My girlfriend became uncomfortable with the amount of texting between us so I reduced it out of respect of her. Later, My coworkers and I planned a dinner and I brought my girlfriend with me. During the dinner my girlfriend began to believe that my friend is attracted to me and that she was comparing herself to my girlfriend (just a note, my coworkers fiance was there and she is currently pregnant). My coworker has said to other people in front of me that we are only friends and she is not attracted to me and I am not attracted to her I just really enjoy being her friend. My girlfriend believes that me continuing my friendship with her because of the way I feel is disrespectful and she is really upset. She believed we are both attracted to each other. I just want to know your opinions on the situation and any advice on ways to handle it. Your help is greatly appreciated. I am also willing to answer any questions that will help you understand the situation better.
This started with text messages, maybe you can end it the same way. I am definitely not speaking from experience here, so this will probably sound crazy.
Anyways, I think you should let your wife sit with you while you text your friend and read every text so she can see that you have nothing to hide. I'm sorry if this doesn't help you.
I may be biased because I relate more to your girlfriend's situation ... but honestly, it seems like this has become an either/or situation. You are being forced to choose between your girlfriend and your coworker. I would be uncomfortable if I was in your girlfriend's situation. The fact that you have addressed this at work ("my coworker has said to other people in front of me that we are only friends and she is not attracted to me") is a red flag to say that even your fellow coworkers have noticed something or said something about your "friendship" for your coworker to address it so directly. I understand that it is a touchy situation when a girlfriend and a friend are at odds. It isn't really fair for anyone to say who you can or can't be friends with. Nevertheless, your girlfriend is telling you how she feels about this relationship - which appears to have developed further while you were dating her. Which relationship do you value more? You don't say how long you've dated your girlfriend, and that would definitely be relevant. A relationship of a few months does not hold the same weight as a relationship of several years. Is your relationship good? Do you enjoy her company and have fun with her? Are there any other reasons she may feel threatened that are internal to your relationship with HER - not having anything to do with the coworker? Do you have trust between you? Do you love her?? It seems like this got out of hand when the relationship went outside of work and into texting. Fact is, a "girlfriend" and a "friend" are both relationships, and can be equally important. Typically you'd have a sexual, more intense relationship with a girlfriend. But a friendship can also be intense. It can carry feelings of attraction - you like this person, you are attracted to them (not that you want to have sex or something, but you have a connection) There can be a strong mental or emotional connection that has nothing to do with the physical. There is such a thing as "emotional cheating" ... Intimacy comes in all forms. And maybe your girlfriend is threatened by that. I would be, if I were in her position. I have felt that, and it feels terrible. I can understand your point of view, but I also feel that if you are friends at work, why can't you keep it at work? If you know it upsets your girlfriend to continue to develop a relationship, why are you continuing to develop it? If you feel strongly about developing the friendship with your coworker, then realize you are entering an either/or situation. Would you prefer to keep the friendship and break up with the girlfriend? There are some women who wouldn't mind their boyfriend having close friendships with other women. But some women really do, and it is hurtful to try and make her accept the friendship when she clearly can't. I mean, she is telling you she feels disrespected. Some people have very defined boundaries. She is telling you that you are crossing her boundary about the level of intimacy you are having with another woman. It doesn't matter if the coworker is married or pregnant. It doesn't matter if the coworker is attracted to you or not. Your girlfriend wants to be with you and she doesn't want to feel threatened by your relationship with the coworker. She is being honest with you about her expectations. Do you think she has a right to express that to you? Is this a person you want a future with? Have there been jealousy problems in the past, or is it specific to this one situation? Has she had problems with your female friends before? How would you feel if the situation were reversed, and your girlfriend suddenly developed a relationship with another coworker who was like a brother, that close, and began texting constantly outside of work? These answers will help you decide how to proceed. *You* are the person in control of this situation, and ultimately need to make the best choice for yourself. If having close friendships with women is something important to you - you need to have a girlfriend who understands and accepts that. And maybe your current girlfriend does and this is just this specific situation? If it is a specific situation, and you want to keep the girlfriend, you need to make a choice. But if she wants to be the only woman you are close to, and your personality is such that you enjoy close friendships with different women, you will both be hurt in the long run. Best of luck to you. xo
My question is are you attracted to her?
Is the obstacles of her pregnancy and fiance that are stopping you?
I would ask the very same question as your girl.
Ill tell you why, I was in a long term relationship, and he had a 'friend' who was too close for comfort in my opinion. He got a big head and thought he was important to have me upset and this other one rubbing his ego. It eventually ate away all the good in the relationship. I felt as a girlfriend second best, unattractive and frankly half a person in half a relationship.
I needed reassurance from him, that does not make me insecure to want to be reassured or to be loved and supported. It is a trust issue and can damaging.
When you are in a relationship it is compromise. I think if the shoe was on the other foot it would change things. I personally think it is important to have connections in life. Ideally it is with your significant other , and when it is not it make you question, everything, guard comes up and you are scared . she thinks she is loosing you, or is healing form what she has already lost. This friend has a part of you that she does not.
I would reassure your girlfriend that you care for her, i think she is telling you something. I think you need to help her overcome this.
I would ask yourself honestly what is it that you gain from this co worker? Is this lacking for you in your relationship?
Are you not fulfilled?
Do you wish you were out?
How would you feel if she had this connection with someone else.?