Intrusive friend on Facebook
Hello! Thanks for listening to my problem. I have been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years. We have a great relationship in many ways EXCEPT he has a friend who is very intrusive on facebook, and it affects our relationship badly. Almost every fight we've had was because of her behavior on facebook as the catalyst - for over three years! I don't know what to do. We've talked about breaking up over this, and we almost did, several times. The thing is that he was involved with her before me - they had a non-relationship relationship - emotional/mental but no sex and he slept at her apt (in her bed) a few times a week. He wanted a relationship but she did not, but she told him all the time she loved him. She just didn't want to have sex. This went on for a few years before I entered the picture. They also worked together during this time (before and after me, for a total of 6 years) He was a complete mess over her when I met him. He was desperate for love, desperate to be touched. He wanted to be with me and he told me he loved me. I started to fall in love with him after a couple of months and told him I wouldn't see him anymore if he kept seeing her. He insisted he wasn't, it was just convenient for him to sleep there due to work. I gave him an ultimatum to stop sleeping at her place and give back her key, even though "nothing was going on." At first she was happy he was seeing me, but then she was upset that he gave the key back and stopped sleeping there. She started rumors and spread gossip about me. He did not believe that she did that. She moved across the country about six months ago. They don't work together anymore. But it's as if she never left in the virtual world. She stalks him on facebook, likes everything he posts, anything anyone else posts on his wall, any pictures he posts or is tagged in, even "likes" events he is going to. It is crazy. But there is nothing I can do. She's been doing this the whole time we dated, and it used to be a lot worse. She would put up profile pictures of them together, constantly tag him in posts, and there would be a lot of pictures of them together or in a group while at work. That doesn't happen anymore, but she still won't let the attachment go. He says "what can I do? We are just friends. I worked with her for 6 years. I love you. I want nothing to do with her romantically. I can't control what she does on facebook." I have said that it is not normal and it seems like she is trying to make it seem like they are very, very close. Why does she do that? He says he doesn't know. He says they haven't been close for a long time. He is frustrated and angry that I am upset by it. He says it doesn't matter what she does on facebook, that is not real life. But her intrusion is really hard for me to deal with. I mean, most people "like" some things, not every single thing. She is obsessed with attaching herself to him through facebook. She does it cycles. She'll act this way for a month or two, then stop for a few weeks, then go back to doing it again. I love him so much. I know he can't control her behavior. But a part of me feels that he can, I just don't know how and neither does he. He says, "what do you want me to do? De-friend her? Block her?" They have many mutual friends through work. This is driving me crazy. I thought it would change when they stopped working together and she moved across the country. But no ... Today I went on facebook and saw she had liked a link someone put on his wall, in addition to liking all the comments too. She's liked every single thing, every day for weeks now. I got very upset. I asked him if he'd been talking with her - why is she doing this again? He said he hasn't talked to her. He said "maybe that's why she is doing it. Who knows, who cares?" I care. We argued again. He said she does that with a few people, not just him. He says it means nothing to him and if I had confidence in our relationship, I wouldn't care. He thinks I am insecure. I'm actually NOT insecure. I just want it to stop. It is actually embarrassing to me. I'm his girlfriend, and I don't even like every single thing he does on facebook. It's like she wants everyone in the world to think he is attached to her. This girl is a textbook narcissist and has a strange control over people. He is friends with every person he's ever dated, he maintains friendships with people, and that is a good quality - overall. But this girl really crosses the line. He still works with all the people she knows and they all love her. He can't de-friend her without people noticing. He doesn't like any of her posts, so it's not like he is encouraging her. He barely has a relationship with her. But if you go by facebook, you'd think that she was the closest person in his life. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish it didn't bother me so much. And I feel so stupid because it's facebook. We are adults. This shouldn't be an issue at my age. I'm 35 for gods sake. It seems so silly. It's not real. But it really hurts. And every time I bring it up, we argue about it, and our relationship suffers. I have no one else to talk with about this. Thank you for any advice.
Song, her intrusion in your life via FB via is real and could be illegal. In my country she could be charged and jailed as a stalker.
She is obsessive and she is definitely not happy with your relationship with 'her' man.
You state it's not real with FB, but her very actions are very real and if it's causing grief in your relationship with your BF, then it's 'hands on' real.
Your BF needs to act rather than let her control the situation because that's exactly what she is doing. You also need to have a good look at your BF because if you had to give him an ultimatum over her house key, then it should have told you where his feelings were.
If he was with you 100%, he wouldn't really care about this woman and he would have made damn sure by now she didn't intrude in your life together in any way.
And I beg to differ with your BF, but she's not much of a friend to him and never has been either.
See if its bothering so much please write an email to her asking that you would appreciate it if she keeps in friendship limits? Do it diplomatically though as your boyfriend still considers her his friend.
Do not pick argument with your boyfriend over this as it will only spoil your relationship with him and from what you have mentioned looks like he is already over with that relationship. She is the one mooning over him.
If this bothers YOU so much, then YOU stay off FB.
She sounds like an attention-addict and has nothing to do except spend time living a virtual life on FB.
Believe what your BF says - or you take a risk that you will lose him. Your constant, insecurity-fueled whining must drive him crazy.
Hi I can relate somewhat to your situation. Firstly I sympathies, she sounds like a lunatic. I escaped a similar situation. the guy i was starting to date. The girl he was in love with but she was not kept staking him on facebook , same thing I eventually ended the relationship as I knew it was and would continue to pose a problem for me. The same girl stalked another guy too on facebook until he actually deleted his account. All I can say is I think you BF gets off on the attention too. I have dealt with the same thing time and time again, been the girlfriend, it is awful position to be in. However I do think she is crossing many lines here and your BF allowed this. He need to take responsibility. I am very good friends with a guy who is in a long term relationship and he respects her, as I do never met her, but the fact that he a genuine friend that I care about I would not cross the line. I do think this girl values the friendship with you man, alot and i think she has some dependency issues, I think your BF likes the feeling it gives him. I would step back , do not give this any power, or take your character. I would show you fella these posts and the comments sometimes that can help him see , how upsetting this has become for you. That girl needs to meet you, and he needs to show her that he is happy with you, that will make her back off and embarrass her. If she continues to be out of control I would then block her from FB, or cool off talking. She needs to be told to back off. Preferably by him. I hope it works out for you.