Ok I'm married 10yrs we have 6 children our relationship has been good but always not much trust ... But this New Years I found out he tried to cheat on me.. Since this we tried to work it through but I'm finding myself check his Facebook I just can't trust him he has been talking to girls on Facebook nothing major but I am so paranoid he found out I checked his page and changed his password which has made me more paranoid ... Please can any one help I've no friends I can talk too
If you have 6 children and a 10 year investment in this man, why the importance on FB?
You and your man need to go away for a weekend and re-connect.
Get your man off FB and spend some quality time alone together.
I understand that and really wish it was that simply we have tried that ... And was getting on great spent time together I really started feeling like he loved me again... Then last week he took morning of work to bring me to docs... Then said he was going to work at 12 so about 6ish I rang him to remind him about our daughters meeting she had and he wasn't answering so I rang his work friend who said he never turned up to work he never came home that night
so I got paranoid checked his fb account again and while I was ringing worried all night he was on chatting to this girl on his phone but ignoring my calls
he says that he just went for drinks and fell asleep in his car and that he hasn't cheated on me and loves me but oh I don't know I'm just so worried I want to trust him so much
Off to counseling you go - even if he does not go, you go.
There are 6 children to consider here and if he is staying out all night and you can't get ahold of him, he has some explaining to do.
He is being irresponsible.
I'm glad you agree because he doesn't seem to understand why I'm being thick or why I am paranoid my head is fried I've tried asking him to go to counselling but he won't go ... My kids are my world and the disicion to leave him has came in to my head but it would break the kids hearts
Does he take nights out more often without telling you? And what do you mean by tried cheating on me? Means he didn't cheat? Because you found out in time?
See you will be paranoid, its natural tendency in such a situation. But try to see that it does not weigh unto your relationship directly. Each time you keep telling him (through words or actions) I can't trust you...you are pushing him one step further away from you.
How do I make him see I trust him when I don't i do want to but every time he doesn't answer his phone or doesn't come home at night I sit wondering he starts building trust then he throws a knife in the works by going off and not answering his phone being gone all nite and even though I know he's out drinking I still can't help worry incase something had happened him
god my life's a mess
You will need counselling. Go alone to start with. No need to drag him along in the beginning.
Hi firstly I am sorry that you are going through this. Your trust is broken and you relationship in becoming toxic.
It sounds like he is escaping , he is secretive and has betrayed you. I think you need to rebuild yourself again, mind yourself.
You are worth more and you need a mature partner he is clearly not. Nothing has happened to him , he will be fine, he is a grown up, he is ignoring you. It only feeds into the immaturity and battle and feeding his attention seeking.
I would stop given him power, and do go to counseling for yourself , you probably have not put yourself first in years with 6 kids, maybe now it is time to do that. I understand it is a hard thing to do, but I promise you in a years time you will be stronger, and life will be better.
I just wanted to say that I feel like we are living the same life only u have five more kids. I can't imagine how hard it must be to keep a strong face for all of them when I could hardly keep one for my girl. I don't have any good advice since I am in the same boat, but I just wanted to let you know your not alone. Oh and I just signed up for solo therapy myself!!
It's so hard because I love him do much he's the father to my 6 kids and want them to have a family .... When he's home he is great helps around the house does school and activity runs we go out as a family ... Then once every couple of months I dunno what happens he goes off to work and after a certain time in the day he won't answer his phone and the next day or maybe that night very late he will stroll in and think he's done nothing wrong
it's like having a teenager already
... We get on so well in between all this so I'm just so confused .... Sorry to hear ur going through the same
it's so stress full and no one understands
We do understand what you are going through. I guess your husband is of the type that bonds for a while and then needs to take a complete break before he rebounds again. There are men like that who are off and on. They require some quiet time to themselves and recover before engaging in one more reconnecting.
What you can probably do is stay away from him when he is not responding to your calls. Don't check his FB, phone...nothing. Have confidence in yourself. If he has given you 10 years and is giving you great time in between his cut off spells, it means that he is ok and you need to take a step back and wait. Distract yourself with your kids, cooking, friends, TV...anything you find interesting. If he starts calling you back then you respond. Over the time the equation should reverse and he may try to call you up more often.
My husband is not that type but I too had the issue of him never calling me back even though he'd say so. After years of complaining, reminding, emotional outbursts, I just gave up and just let him be. Soon (In some months) I saw a reverse trend. Now it was he who was calling me up and enquiring. Try it...might work.
You still didn't say what kind of trying to cheat he attempted.
He mailed a woman on Facebook saying he would like to meet up and have fun :/ he says it was to get my attention because he knew I had his password to fb ... And that he felt that our sex life was phasing out ... But I've tried to explain that after 6 kids 4 of which I had one after another my body was just so tired and I wasn't in the mood for sex ... But I made the effort and we started getting back on track but then he went off one day and didn't come back for the nite ... He swears he wasn't with anyone and that he just went out an got drunk and fell asleep in the car ... His excuse to not answering was he didn't want to argue :/
Quite understandable that you didn't want to have sex. As a woman I can understand that but as a man your husband will not understand that. Good that you managed to work on that and got it back on track.
Change your focus from keeping a check on him to trying different sex games. Like may be role playing (search on net for ideas) and board games which focus more on foreplay etc. Keep him guessing as to whats coming up....dropping in hints of what you have in mind but keep him in suspence. Leave him naughty sms'es once in a while. In short keep his mind filled with so much of sexual thoughts with you that he has little time to busy himself with thoughts of other girls. (You need not have sex daily but fix up time with him may be on weekends and keep dropping hints on what you have planned for the weekend during the week, build it up with occasional sms'es etc. )
Now in between if he goes on such missing spells...just stop calling and checking....assume he is fine....if he was not someone would have called you up and told you. Don't question him as to who he has been chatting with in FB etc. Just act as if it doesn't bother you anymore. Act as if the only thing you are interested in is the time you are together. It is difficult to put up this act but try with all your will ...say you have to do this for your kids. Men like easy relationships without having to answer much to. If you get behind him demanding answers, the more he will try to get away. Release him a bit and attract him back with the sex, soon he will be the once chasing after you.
See its easy to break away from a relationship but difficult to maintain it with issues in between. So if your priority is your kids then prepare yourself mentally for a total change from a wife to an exciting, seductive girlfriend.
Let us know if its working. Else we'll think of something else but don't worry. We are with you, supporting you.
Well I've tried really got close to my husband again made an effort really enjoyed getting close to him again I think I forgot how much I missed him and I thought our sex life improved hugely... He went off today to help a cousin 4 hrs ago was only suppose to be 20mins so I'm assuming his gone off drinking again :/ gonna try not contact him and try not to be thick wit him when he gets back .... It will be hard as Im already getting annoyed so that's why Im ranting here as I've no one else to talk too
let's hope it works
Hi the first thing I would suggest to you is join a group , take a class and meet new people. You need to bring new people into your life.
Take a nice long bath and enjoy the alone time, don't waste it thinking of him.....
You have to start developing an identity outside of him? He does.
Wouldn't it be nice for him to worry about you for a change ?
Put value on yourself........ you will drive yourself mad and the phone thing will become impulsive.... All you will be doing is listening to your anger..... which is feeding into the negative self, that you feel here in this place. It will only make you feel another negative may that be, guilt, regret, or that you need to be heard...... from him!!!!!
You will gain nothing from texting him...... let it go and trust him.....
Wish I could but wit 6 kids I just never have time see anyone I'm always on the go with all the kids activities .... But your right I need to try something just don't know where to start... May be it's jealousy that he can just take off with his mates and I don't have it in me ... My friends aren't like me they are all kids come second and drink and there life comes first and the fathers of there kids aren't important to them ... I'm opposite kids an husband are my life
Seems like alcohol plays a big part of this problem. No wonder he does not want to talk about this: he's an alcoholic and that would be revealed.
Get counseling and find the strength to deal with living with a problem drinker. Alanon can help family members.
What age are your kids? Does he fulfill his responsibilities towards the kids at other times when he is off alcohol?
Mountain's advice is on spot. When we get a hurt our attention is fully on it due to the pain and coz of the attention the pain is greater. Now think in between the pain and all some emergency work came up with one of your kids. Would you even notice your pain? No....coz our attention is off it. Here too you need to do the same....take your attention off this hurt. Try doing some kind of work from home may be? Like if you are good at baking, bake cakes for B'day parties, make home made chocolates, if your skill is in craft work, try making gift boxes, candle making etc., if your skill is in writing try writing stories for magazines or online sites. Just think what you are talented and interested in. Something to just keep your mind off him.
Another trick that works in such situations is whenever he says I have to go and will be back at this time, in your mind tell yourself the return time is unfixed or is some no. of hours more. My husband used to have the habit of telling his return time a good one hour earlier than he would actually return. It used to leave me in an hour of worry and tension. Then I began using this trick and it worked for me. However I do understand in your case its uncertain time. Remember one thing...where there is expectation there the despair is greater. If you want to come out of the despair for yourself...minimize the expectation. In this world there are many women who put up with all kinds of strange habits of their husbands leaving you surprised how they do it. Probably they too have over the years learnt to manage their expectations.
Thanks for all your advice ... Don't know if he's an alcoholic I grew up with one of those ... My husband only drinks when he does this and he might do it twice in a month then he might not go off again for 3 or 4 months .... He's still not home he left yesterday at 4 and it's now 6.40am the next morning so I don't know when he will be home
I tried ringing his phone this morning as he starts work at 6 but no answer
Ugh I know how you feel about being paranoid and checking up on any type of social media and his phone. I know how it feels to have your housband have so many girl friends T_T I hate it. We are still young and have been married for half a year an this is going to be me just venting but I feel that we as women give up and have to change so much for them, and when they deside they feel bored or we are not really doing it for them anymore what do we have to do just wait and take it because we have to keep face and be strong for our children. I hate it but this is why women are so strong and keep going because we don't just look out for ourselves. If we let go everything falls apart. Keep your head up like most people that posted do it for your children. I'm not going to lie I don't really know much about men iv really only been with my housband but men like it when you complement them like when you first dated. Also agree about stop checking his fb and phone I know it's hard because your always thinking about it but I'm going to stop it just causes us to fight and drives us apart. But most of all we are hurting ourselves. Well back to the complementing tell him he looks cute today and give his butt a little pat smile and walk away or tell him he's smart or strong highlight his good points men are suckers for it. Be positive be confident in yourself your beautiful and strong and you have 6 children who love you and need you. And most important vent! Write about it post it whatever you have to do but get it out read it when your done iv found that it helps me calm down and think. Men get lost but if he loves you he will realize he is being stupid and change his attitude hopefully he will before it's too late. There's this funny saying my moms friend told me (rough translation) "lord please enlighten him but don't burn him" what makes it funny is how you have to say it more if a comical exaggerated way. But just be confident in yourself bring yourself to a good place where you can be good with or without him and trust me when you become more independent and he realizes you don't need him his eye will be caught. Best of luck <3
Am I totally selfish to say I'm glad I'm not alone ... I've often sat an wondered why me why am I the only one that has a husband treat me like crap
says he loves me but doesn't show it but shows the complete opposite ... He is a great dad and does everything for them, I sometimes think that at least if he wasn't it would be easier to leave him .... He txt me this morning apologising for staying out ( which he has never done before ) he came home and took the kids this for me while I went to docs ... Now he's lying on couch sleeping
I'm finding it hard not to go in an get thick :/ ...
He is a good man just messed up head .. He has family that encourage him to do the wrong thing get annoyed with him if he won't go out drinking slag him because he is "under the thumb" ... He is the only one married and the only one that puts his kids first I know it's jealousy on there part ... But he struggles to see they are just trouble... I've helped him through so much I suppose I forgot that I'm his wife not his mother ... So our sex life did become a distant memory ... He is my only partner also we've been together 13yrs I was only 17 when we met but I was always a lot more mature than most of my friends they loved partying drinking an sex I just wanted fun an a happy family to settle down with ... Thanks for everyone's advice it really is helping and I'm trying the pretending it doesn't matter approach might take me a while to master that though ... The first step though was not giving him 100's of missed calls last night
See....all your self control is working! Keeping fingers crossed for you. Continue at it and situation should improve.
Moreover if he is a good father, you have less to worry. It means he knows what his responsibilities are somewhere at the back of his mind. Some men realize late into life....yours also will realize, only thing will take sometime. Meanwhile just hang on!
You know when I feel angry at my husband and know I shouldn't be expressing it to him....I just write an email putting all the emotions and send it to myself. The writing and re-reading gives me lots of strength.
Is he coming home drunk? He may be a binge drinker. That means once he starts, he can't stop.
Either that, or he has another woman. You must have some proof of that, if that's the truth.
Why do you insist on not going to counseling? You need a professional third party to assess this situation.
This is NOT going to get better unless he is confronted.
I don't know what it is.. He goes let's say on a Saturday fishing he will ring me through out the day then the calls stop and he won't answer phone he will come home late that night or early the next morning he won't do it again then for about 3 weeks or sometimes a few months .... I can't say he's having an affair because we are always together running kids here an there ... Apart from these nights he takes off ... I want counceling but he won't ... I can't get him to talk to me never mind a stranger ... In between these days he's great for weeks until something clicks an he decides to ignore my calls an goes drink
If there was another woman the frequency of this happening would not be 3 weeks but every few days. So you can tentatively rule out another woman.
There is a chance that probably he married you in an indecisive state 10 yrs earlier. So though for all practical reasons he has accepted you as his wife and even loves you and kids, he still hasn't in one corner of his mind come out of that indecisiveness. Probably these spells are a result of that. He wants to lose himself from this practical world and go back in time to some imaginary world and his drinks help him do so.
Just let him do it and in time he will get over that and come back to you fully....don't go behind him....just let him be.
Thank you all for listening to me rant I feel that being able to just come on here and talk without any one judging me or him is helping so much... I did ask him where he had been that nite ( I know I shouldn't have but it was driving me insane) he told me he went to his brothers house for a drink and I believe him because I know his brother would tell me if he wasn't and he knows that... I am finding it hard to get affectionate again with him but I did tell him that it will take a few days that I do love him I'm not thick just upset and he said sorry... He never apologises so I'm hoping he is properly starting to realise but it's early days this is the first time he's done it with my new approach so I'll just have to wait an see ....
You are handling it perfectly fine. And affection will come when you start getting less upset over some time. Its natural. And like you said hopefully he is also realizing some!
Me an my husband have been through so much together have 6 amazing children together people might think I'm stupid for fighting to keep the marriage together but he is the father to my kids I love him with all my heart I won't stop fighting but if he stops what can I do... I under stand I shouldn't have to fight or wait an see but I'm going to ... I know if my marriage breaks down my life will be my kids I do not ever wish to be in an other relationship ... So I will keep trying for my kids sake
6 kids in 10 years... Are you two Mormon? I ask because many Mormons have deep rooted sexual issues (I am Mormon, or at least I was until a few years ago). The way sex and intimacy is demonized in the youth programs is very hard to break away from in adulthood. If you seek counseling, find a therapist that is not from LDS Social Services. Find someone that can get to the heart of the matter.
I suggest spending even more time with him, even if it just means cooking a meal together, watching a movie, or doing things as a family. Camping trips never hurt! Family time is usually the best medicine... Go out of your way for him. Bring him lunch at work, make his favorite food, you know what I'm sayin? Go get him. Good luck princess.
You need to trust your instants. Do you think he is cheating? You know better than anyone. I also believe in signs. If there are big chunks of time that are not accounted for you know he is cheating. Make a plan. He will never admit it until he is caught. You may have 6 children but you are not trapped. Observe what is going on. Keep a journal of times and nights away, and when you have sex. Discover a pattern. That can tell you a lot. To be honest I believe you have a concern and are justified in believing he is cheating on you. Next step is to make a plan if he is cheating on you what are you going to do?