Does he see me as a friend or is he not used to relationships?
LADYYENNA - Mar 10 2014 at 15:33
So I have been dating my boyfriend for 7-8 months now. He told me that he barely had any serious relationships before, mostly casual and none lasted long. He said I'm his first proper relationship and that he's done things with and for me that he hasn't done for his exes. The problem is that because of his lack of experience and maybe his age (28) he panics about the intimacy and his decreasing desire to do it. The truth is that all these months we barely had any intimacy anyway (and I mean u can count the times with your fingers) due to circumstances, not living by ourselves etc, but now he feels much less like it and even when we get the chance he can't perform and therefore gets upset and withdraws or gets angry. A few days ago he finally decided to discuss it with me which I find a good sign since he's willing to solve this, and told me that he doesn't know why that happens and he came up with all these scenarios like maybe he loves me as a friend, that he cannot tell the difference since it's his first time getting so close to someone. I asked him if he wanted to break up or maybe separate for a while and not speak to each other so that he can clear his head and figure it out, but he said that he really wants to speak to me, that he wants me in his life no matter what and that he loves me and will miss me if we don't talk. Also he said that if we won't speak for a while then it will be weird to talk later and well be like strangers and he doesn't want that. He even suggested that we do everything we do now and I just find someone for sex so that I'll be happy while he keeps taking care of me by cooking for me and putting me to sleep etc. He cried every time we talked about this, I never saw him cry before, he is always so controlled and acts very manly, so I was shocked by how much this has messed him up.. He said he doesn't know if we should keep it up or not because he is afraid we might make it worse and I won't be speaking to him afterwards. He also mentioned that what if he just doesn't like me that way and someday he starts liking someone else. He's been going crazy with all these different theories and keeps asking for advice from me. He didn't know that sex is reduced as the relationship progresses, he said he doesn't feel the excitement he used to feel anymore, I told him that this is normal in a long term relationship and he was flabbergasted. Should I leave him and see what happens or stay and try? I just don't know what to try....
I think you know what to do.
This person is not ready , may it be psychological, emotional, or medically ready to have a sexual relationship.
Firstly he needs to see a doctor to see if there is anything medically wrong, and then if not he possibly will be referred from there onto to a counselor.
Has this problem happened in his previous relationships ? You say there were mainly causal ?
I think he is confused by things, and needs the space to understand what is going on for him. He is scared of loosing you.
I think he is confused the problem is deep rooted and nothing to do with you.
Maybe you should just be his friend , maybe that is what he needs right now.
Thank you very much for your reply.
I doubt it is medical as he is a very healthy man and he didn't have any problem with the other girls. When I say casual relationships I mean it was basically sex and not emotional. So that cannot be it. He told me it's the first time it happens to him. We thought maybe it's because he never reached that stage in a relationship before (that sex is not so prominent anymore) so he's not used to this and that's why he panics so much and thinks that maybe he doesn't want me. He told me that there are moments he wants me but then randomly he's turned off again and there are days that he doesn't think about it at all.
I think it's mostly psychological, maybe emotional, I know he loves me, but he is not sure in what way. He said if the sexual part is resolved, the emotional will also be resolved.
He tells me a lot of things that are difficult for him to say, he's very introverted about his thoughts and emotions. That makes me feel special to him, and I know he really wants the best for me. I want to help him the best way I can too.
So, do you think the best would be to just be friends? Isn't there anything else I can do to fix this and stay together?
Indeed, I didn't mention my age, I am 25. Well, he is a strange one, I knew that from the start :) I have noticed that he gets in the mood if I do something that provokes him unintentionally, like if I bend over to pick something up and not so much if I provoke him intentionally. He told me that his exes made him meet for sex in particular days and hours, so he got a bit disgusted from it, so I can understand if he only wants it when it comes naturally.
He is not on medication, but I also think he is depressed, it is not obvious, it just seems to me that way.
I highly doubt that he's gay, he really likes women and isn't afraid to comment on a woman's sexiness in front of me. He's very honest in general, it's just that he doesn't let others know his deeper emotions and thoughts. Maybe that has something to do with his depression.