This is probably going to turn out to be a rather lengthy email so thank you in advance to anyone that reads and gives me some advice. I will try to keep it short and to the point. Okay.. so a few months ago I posted asking advice about this guy that I was sorta seeing at the time. We both work on cruise ships and we meet each other there. About a month before I was suppose to go is actually when I meet him. At first it was just a friend thing and enjoying our time together. I then started to develop more feelings for him and wanted more from him. So I asked him and even suggested that I would come back on the same ship to be with him. He told me that because of his religion and culture he has to marry from back home. Which I was thankful for him being truthful to me and it hurt but at least I knew know. SO we went on with our little relationship until my last two weeks of my contract. He decided that he didn't like me talking to other guys and wanted to be with me. He said no matter what he would try to find away to be with me and that he loved me and wanted me to come back to the same ship. Of course, I was so happy and excited that this was all happening. I wanted him so badly that I trusted everything he said. I then went home and we said our said good byes but he called me and messaged me. The first two weeks we really called and made sure to message me. Then after that the calls came less and less and the emails as well. To the point that I went three weeks without anything from him.. it hurt because that's not how a boyfriend should be. During my first week home was when I sent in an email to get back onto the same ship to be with him. My thinking was this.. they can easily deny it or they approve it and either way is a sign and the path that I need to take in life. Well they approved it and I was signing back onto the same ship as before. I was very happy about this because I had my friends and I had him but as the emails and calls came less and less and basically never came at all, I begin to think and regret my choice of going back to this ship. But I sucked it up and came back. So my first month back here with him was horrible. He treated me like he just didn't care anymore but still wanted the sex. Actually my first night back with him he told me to find a different boyfriend that he cant be with me. It really broke my heart.. like really did. But I still couldn't stay away from him.. I would take him back every night for the next two weeks until finally I decided you know what, I can do better and I am no longer waiting around for him. I didn't go off and sleep with other guys or anything like that but I just stopped waiting around for his calls or his visits. I did things with my girls and if he showed up, he showed up. And when he noticed other guys taking interest in me and buying me drinks and talking to me.. he just couldn't handle that anymore. We got in a few fights over it and then all of a sudden it was like a day and night change with him. He completely did a 360 without me really fully understanding why. We got into another fight Saturday.. only two days after our huge fight and the next day he called and called and he came to see me and he came on time. At first I was like okay this is just a one day thing.. he will go back to his normal self. But no.. he didn't. He made sure to call me during my breaks, he would come see me during my breaks, we made plans to go out and off the ship together and even would go to the bar or parties or just any events together with our friends. He even took me as his date to one party that he got nominated for. It was like a dream and I loved every moment of it. I always wanted him to be that better guy for me and here he was stepping up finally. He got me a promise ring for Christmas even and always made sure to write me sweet little notes or even love letters to each other. He won me over and began to win all my friends over as well. and actually, the day that he changed was suppose to be his original day to go home but he extended an extra two months for me.. he extended when we were in our so so stages of our relationship. SO everything with him was so wonderful. He made me laugh and made me smile all the time. I loved every moment we spent together. Even if we had little fights, we always worked them out before we went to sleep. It was like this perfect little relationship and I loved him deeply. Well he then had to go home and my first thought is that his parents wont accept me and that's it or that he just wont come back for me. It hasn't been like how I thought.. He has told his friends about me and even his family and so far they haven't said anything about it.. at times I feel like my trust isn't fully there just because I know how his culture can be and that they do lie and sometimes are married back home. They so far have seemed to accept that he is taking his choice in being with me. So everything seems to be so lovely with him and I love him.. I really do. But at times, I think if I do truly love him or if maybe I am just going along with it now. Is that normal?? When I picture my wedding, my family and my future.. I picture him right there at my side. so I don't know where this questioning my love for him is coming from or maybe its a sign.. I just don't know. This is my first long term relationship so also I wonder if maybe the speed we took into this relationship was just a bit too quick. Now that he is at home, we talk all the time. On the phone and on the emails. He sends me cute lovey messages and we can talk for hours on the phone and never run out of things to say. He will also be back in about two weeks.. but now I am finding it hard to talk to him about things and like theres less to talk about and I feel that he is also not taking time to call or message me anymore. I feel like I am worrying for nothing and just over thinking everything. Is this normal to feel like this?? I bring it up with him and he says that he is just busy.. but I mean it takes seconds to just send a cute little text.. And one more thing about him that I cant stop thinking about... My first week back with him, he got off the ship with friends and ended up going to a strip club. He then decided to pay a girl to have sex with him and then decided that night to come sleep in my bed.. I didn't know this until close to December after we are good. It hurts me to think that we would do such a thing to me and I did forgive him for it but it still hurts. I want to know things about it more and I don't know if I should just drop it and forget about it but I really have more questions to ask him about it just to ease my mind. Is it something that I should just drop and let that be in the past of us?? He also watched porn and I truly don't like that.. I told him this and he said he would stop and of course he didn't and told me that he started watching them again and again I said I truly don't like that. He again said he would stop. what is your thoughts on your boyfriend watching porn?? I guess overly I just needed to vent and get my thoughts out.. I really think that I just over think things and that becomes a problem for me. Thank you for listening and possibly answering with some advice
ooh and one other thing.. On facebook, I cant tag him in any pictures or posts and I cant comment on his wall or status. He said its because not everyone knows yet and he wants to wait. and another thing, I am not a skinny person and because of that his friends make fun of him for going with him.. at first when I first came back they made fun of him so much that's actually one reason he became distant from me.. so he says and for me I told him he is old enough to make his own choices. So that also kind of hurt me that he let that bug him..
RR, he had doubts and now you're having doubts.
Forget about the porn, your body shape, his friends, etc and ask yourself what you really need from a relationship which will eventually lead to marriage. List your values and standards and then look at his.
Ask yourself if he will bring stability to your relationship and ask yourself if you have the need in your heart to contribute to it regardless of his past indiscretions.
Be true to yourself RR, because the doubt you are experiencing is your instinct...your inner voice is talking and it has influenced you to post on this forum.