Can I find a man who will accept my hypersexuality?
I have a problem that I am addressing in an christian based addictions group. For decades while I was married raising children it wasn't an issue, but now that I'm divorced, it just had to come to the fore. For 15 years I didn't drink, and after I left the ex, I started enjoying my freedom by partying, drinking and finding that I was attractive to men. Don't get me wrong, I've always had a pleasant face with a overly curvaceous body, but my ex never paid any attention to me. Over the months I developed a sex addiction of sorts, and have tried to correct it with my faith. I did the usual thing, enjoying sex without relationships, but always got slightly emotionally involved afterwards to the point of crushing on my partner. Some have been relationships, and some haven't wanted to pursue anything further. I know men are wired this way, and woman aren't usually - they mostly always get involved. I'm a little different. A little wired like a guy, being able to shrug off these flings. But I don't want to be like this. Ultimately, I believe in love and sex within a loving relationship is my ultimate goal. I know it sounds a little difficult to understand, on one side I can have flings with no guilt and shame, and on the other side I want to be cared for, not just allowing men to enjoy my sexuality. That is the cruncher, that is the problem with sex addiction. I have it under control and don't obsess anymore with unbridled lust, but its still there, a beast wanting to be fed. Why I am writing at this moment in time, after coming so far in recovery, is that in our group is a man who I've known for quite a few months, and we are hitting it off in the casual grouping after session. He KNOWS about my problem as does everyone in the group, even though I never discuss it, just ask advice now and then, and instil thought provoking incerpts during group about addictions. I'm aware that he has a similar problem, but it comes to the fore when he drinks which is why he tries for sobriety. I don't need alcohol to bring my problem out, although it does make it difficult to control it more. Please note that I don't pick up strangers, all the men have been friends or acquaintenances, and I suss them out before anything. This guy, let's call him BOB, shall we? This guy is interested and we are most likely going to see each other socially. But I have fears. I worry that by admitting my problem, makes him think that I'm easy, which I'm not, to a degree. I do have a moral code which I try to adhere to, and I don't want to be thought of as a slut. Catch 22. Although I'm hyper sexed, I do probably want a relationship with this man. I don't want to jump into bed with him, I want to find out more about him before embarking on the physical side. How do I go about seeing this guy socially, without him just getting in it for the sex, and being used? Do I open my big fat mouth and explain to him that although I have a slight addiction problem, that I don't want to have sex with him too soon, as I see us as a potential relationship, or do I just wing it, and not explain to him exactly what I have on this post to what degree my addiction is? I don't want to look like an idiot by saying too much based on my presumption about a possible relationship, nor do I want him thinking that I'm worse than I actually am with my addiction. So, can anyone give me good advice from a male perspective how a man would think faced with a woman like me, and also if some women could also advise me what they would act?
Hi Kat123, I am a woman firstly so I cannot give you the male view.
I can see how this is a tricky one.
I think you need to acknowledge here what is happening... this is happening outside the group and he knows about your issue?
I am not clear exactly.
So you are in group together..... which can bring up so many transference. This is an opportunity for you to heal......
This group is meant to be a safe place for you to explore you. Underneath it all 'the addictions' it all comes down to the same thing' boundaries and delaying gratification.
I think this is going to be a learning experience for you, it has presented itself for a reason. You need to develop trust before you, bond it sexually. You sound cut off and can detach your emotions, the vulnerable part, the essence of you, the innocence, when you are physical sexually. That way men can never really hurt you, they can have a part of you but you hide who you are.
I think it needs some working on. If he is in the group I would discuss it openly as a way of protecting yourself. I think your priority is to yourself, and your well being, this is all part of your addiction, your fear of true intimacy which is connected to the sexual act, but is not the definition of intimacy.
The relationship you need to be committed to is you first. You owe nobody any explanation about anything. It is too close to the group see this as a sign to work on you and discover what is going on for you....
Bring this up in the group, there is valuable work to be done.....
Hiya Mountain-girl, thanks for your response... if I come across defensive, I don't mean it that way... I'm not at all detached, and very true to my essence, in fact I have high emotions which is probably the ultimate reason why I enjoy sex so much, as it is a very emotionally charged experience for me as well as physically gratifying.
Yes, group members do connect straight after our intense group meetings, and me and BOB have literally made a date, by chatting telephonically.
You have brought up a very sensitive issue about group being a place of sanctuary, and it could be a situation wherein an unusual dependancy/ emotional transference can occur between members. That is precisely the reason for this kind of group, tp help one another, and be there for one another in and outside of the group. We are encouraged to socialise/depend on one another as it is very much a chrisitan value. "To share anothers burdens..."
Its a trust/honesty programme, and is highly effective for a lot of members. We all belong to the same yoke / church.
It can only be a problem where one member can become obssessive with another member...
I have also thought through the wisdom of having a outside relationship with a member, for various reasons, such as a break up, and that would interfere with the healing aspect of the programme.
It could also very well be a healing process on its own, to embark on a relationship that heals the two of us in our very similarily / yet unique problems.
And I appreciate your concern for me learning about myself, and healing myself, without outside interference, but like I said, I'm not about to jump into the frying pan, already having learnt what it is exactly that I want. I'm just a bit naïve in my honesty, or withholding it, when it comes to men, which is why I need input from both men and women who are more clued up than I am.
Thank you once again for your input.
KAt, just a heads up..you need to choose a man who can give you what you need but you also need a man who respects you.
We accept our partners for who they are and we often go down the relationship track knowing each others weakness. If we have true love, we just accept each other. We make decisions and we have choices to enable us to develop trust with our partner.
You need to take your thoughts further and understand that Bob also has an underlying issue with alcohol. If you state, he TRIES for sobriety then there's a problem there.
If you have doubts/fears about Bob because he knows about your addiction, then your inner voice is talking. If Bob was a genuine man, regardless of his problems, then he would be demonstrating to you by his actions and words, that person.
If your instinct is telling you something about Bob, then you need to trust it, rather than go down the track worrying about trusting him to respect you for who you are.
If your ultimate goal is a true loving relationship, then the man to give you that will be the man who truly understands, accepts and respects you AND your addiction. A man who you instinctively trust unquestionably.
Maybe you should just take it slow and get to know him, but do not tall him until you are more certain of taking that step.....
I have two thoughts:
1. There is no need to tell this man that you have a sex addiction.
2. Everytime you have a sexual urge or thought, you don't have to act upon it.
Hi I went the long long way around into saying what the last post summed it up.......
Thanks all, for your honest opinions...
Good luck with whatever choice you make ......