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I am confused by her response and behavior and do not know how to proceed!

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So I (22 year old male) met this really shy girl (21 year old female) about 5 months ago. For the first few months we talked and flirted a bit, almost always 1-on-1 (it was hard to get her to engage in conversation) and studied together for the classes we had in common, and I started to really like her. She was kind, sweet, beautiful, awkward/clumsy in a cute way, and could hold some very interesting conversations about random topics, and she slowly started to trust me and confide about some deep personal things. She never hinted that she was involved with someone else, but she mention once or twice that she has a guy “friend” who she talks to quite often, but I did not hear much at all about him at this point. About two and a half months ago, things suddenly changed, and she started hanging out with me a lot more 1-on-1 and our conversations became much more frequent and much lengthier. She started opening up and telling me a lot of stuff about her: about her past, her family, her dreams, things she really enjoys, and some much more personal and serious issues (many of them involving her family and what she went through with them during her childhood), and I started telling her a lot about myself as well. We could also just talk about any random topic with each, and hold very interesting conversation. Some of our talks could last for 10 hours, as we sat across from each other and looked into each other’s eyes, and both of us would feel like no time has passed. We had so much in common, and I could sense a lot of chemistry with her, and I started liking her more and more. I became one of the only people in her life that she talked to, and I think it became obvious that I really liked her. At one point she also told me about some really weird/gross/douchebag things an “ex-friend” (notice she didn’t even say ex-boyfriend) did. Eventually she told me that she this “ex-friend” used to be kind of her long-distance boyfriend – and the only guy she ever really had any type of relationship with – that she was emotionally involved with, and that he put her in some very dark places in the 1.5 years she was with him, as he would constantly cheat on her, break up with her, try to pressure her into doing things she didn’t want to, and just emotionally abused her. He apparently didn’t even consider that he was in a relationship with her because they never had sex. Anyways he apparently almost stopped talking to her completely 5 months ago, and about 3 months ago he told her that he can never be with her because she doesn’t know what she wants, and that he will never contact her again. She only told me this once and never really brought up the topic again, even though she would sometimes make references to what “ex-friend” did. As an important side note, she rarely talked about her feelings for other people or the true feelings inside of her; her feelings were very guarded, and she said that her feelings are her most private and valuable thing, and that she can tell them to anyone, and that this causes her pain and she probably needs to see a therapist. Anyways, this continued for two months, and I fell for her more and more, and I finally decided that I need to know if she likes me, and to tell her how I feel about. So I told her my feelings for her a few days ago in person, as we were sitting across from each other in my room, adding in that she probably already knows that I like her, and asked how she felt about me. She looked a little flustered and her voice stuttered as she said “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” This took me off guard, and I asked when a good time would be, and she meekly said that her “ex-friend”, who put her through so much shit and caused her so much pain, contacted her a few days ago, and that things were kind-of back to how they used to be. She also said she didn’t know I liked her; she said that one of her friends said that it was obvious I like her, and that at first she could also see that, but that other the past little while she thought that I just liked her as a friend. At this point I told her that that didn’t answer my question, and I asked her again what she felt about me, to which she again started stuttering and again said she can’t tell me her true feelings. I told that it’s okay if she only likes me as a friend, but I want to know so I can get some closure and know how proceed from here. At this point she could have just told me a white lie, and said “yes, that’s how I feel about you,” if she didn’t want to share her true feelings, just to give me closure. But she said as much as she could see I wanted some kind of answer, she can’t disclose her feelings because they are too personal. She also said that she wasn’t really looking for a relationship at school, maybe after she graduates, because she can barely handle school as it is with all her emotional problems, especially after the previous relationship with this guy put her in such dark places during her first year of university that she couldn’t handle it, and that the only reason that she was kind-of seeing this guy again was because she has invested so much time into him already and they have a history together (this did not make ANY sense to me). She also said that even this isn’t a real relationship nor real love, and that she can’t even really talk about her feelings with this guy. At this point she said “Sorry” and “bye” and left my room. I sent her a text right after expressing my deep sadness that I will probably never know what she feels about me, and that I cannot fathom why she would tell some of the things she has over the past few months if she didn’t have any feelings for me. What do I do now? She didn’t give me any closure and I do not know how to proceed. My thinking right now is to end this relationship with that text message and never contact her again.

I am confused by her response and behavior and do not know how to proceed!

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She is probably not ready for a relationship after her past. If you want her, you will have to put in a lot more of emotional effort, build more of her trust etc. What I feel is she does like you but is not sure she should get into another relationship after what she suffered. The part about her hooking up with her ex-friend might just be a mechanism to keep you away from the relationship thought.

I am confused by her response and behavior and do not know how to proceed!

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Yes I agree she does like you...... this ex friend will not last ..... just continue to be her friend .... it was just wrong timing for you to reveal that information to her. She has told you all of the bad things that this last relationship made her feel..... she possible needs to go back there for closure on some level for herself. Just be there for her, this is going to be hard for you....that is why you may need top step back a little.

I am confused by her response and behavior and do not know how to proceed!

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You may have surprised her by your confession of how you feel. Let her process this. But - know that she has a very unhealthy relationship with this "ex" who seems to have some kind of hold on her. Girls who stay with the "bad boys" get really attached to that kind of excitement and don't know how to accept a good relationship. Be very aware of that. If she goes back to him, then she is this kind of gal.

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