My husband and I have been together for a long time, both as friends before we were together, and since we got together. I have a high sex drive, and he used to, but a year ago he had surgery on his shoulder and it hasn't been the same since. He watches porn a lot more than he used to and I am worried that the extended recovery from the surgery when he was unable to have any sex/sexual activity at all has desensitized him to the real thing. Because when he was home alone during his recovery he watched a lot of porn, and he does now too. He will go weeks without having sex with me, but in the time between he will have days where he practically locks himself in our room after he gets home and watch porn for hours. He always acts like he wants us to have sex when he does this, but then he ignores me when I get the kids down and actually come to bed. It drives me nuts, and its messing with my self-confidence.Sometimes I feel like he would rather watch the women in those videos and fantasize about whatever he fantasizes about, than be with me. I have tried everything I can think of. I have spoke to him about it and it might get better for a few days, maybe a week, but then it gets worse again. I love my husband and I think he is one of the most wonderful men, and father, and he is gorgeous and when we do have sex, its always great, but once a month is getting OLD! I have never been a fan of taking care of myself, well, by myself, so a little advice would be great.
It does desensitize you. Unfortunately. It can be a big problem and the real thing becomes more difficult. There is a lot of information out there about how the porn does that.
If he's a good man, you need to work and be patient with him to get him back to focusing on you instead of the porn.
I would find other ways to regulate your hormones.....
Do you exercise? It will help you release some surplus energy......
You say this is effecting your confidence ? Your confidence is your responsibility not his, that is still your job even when you are in a relationship.
Is it the porn that bothers you? Personally it would bother me ?
He is lost in cyberspace and I do think you are right he is desensitized to intimacy. He needs to seek professional help this is not good. I think he is lost and is attempting to cope with something.......
There is a breakdown of communication between both of you.....
I don't think your 'Lack of sex......excessive porn use....is not the issue... it is a symptom for something that is wrong with him.... and I think you are scared....
I would put him into treatment for this , it will only get worse for both of you.....
There is something wrong here when a man avoids sex with an attractive, willing, wife.
You need to put your foot down about the porn - or cell phones, Facebook and all the other distrctions that prevent you two from actually interacting. BOTH of you need to turn off all electronics.
He may be in a depression. Injury, out of work - he might think his masculinity is being threatened. Losing oneself in the TV is one indicator, whether that's porn or games.
Be firm about this. Something is not right, here.
Insist on a complete physical and then, if things don't get better, go to counseling.
Our electronics are not the problem. We don't have internet at home and we only have our cells so we don't have great service. I do think he has been depressed for a while. I just don't know what to do. I have are plans for a romantic evening with him tonight so I hope this new idea works. I'm tired of feeling disconnected from him. Pray.
How is he "watching porn for hours."?
Whatever it is, insist that he shut if off and pay attention to his marriage.
How can one watch porn on cell phone for hours? I fail to understand that. Is it that he is spending time alone in the room due to depression? Speak to him, see whats bothering him. Only when one feels fine can one think of sex more.
He has a video collection. Which I cannot find. I have no idea where he keeps them and believe me I have looked. We don't have internet or decent cell service at home. Last night I unplugged the tv and still nothing. He said he was tired. I let it go, but I don't know how long I can keep doing that. It's tiring. I mentioned that maybe he needed to see a doctor about it but he said he had already done that and nothing was wrong with him. I knew he had tried meds to help but I didn't think he had talked to the doctor about his mood issue. He says he isn't in the mood....which doesn't make sense considering he can be very hands up until bed. So I'm confused on top of everything. I also mentioned seeking therapy for us and he said he didn't want to spill his guys to a complete stranger so they could pick him apart. I want to scream.
He owes you an explanation.
"Honey, I love you and I want you. I want us to make love often. Ever since your surgery you don't seem to want to make love. Instead you seem satisfied with looking at porn instead of having a real sex life with me. I'm becoming very frustrated and think you don't desire me any more. I want you to tell me what's going on that you don't want to make love."
I doubt if he will open up so fast. May be what you can do is try to find out what kind of porn he watches? Tell him "Since we can't have the real thing so often and I have a higher drive, let me also try watching porn with you." You may not like it but atleast you might get an idea what kind of porn interests him? Or try asking him his fantasies now?
Watching porn together might be fun and help spice up the couple's sex life - but this does not apply to a man who has shut his woman out completely.