een dating a woman for a little over a month now. This past weekend was the culmination of building our relationship. Instead of just going out on dates - we went out on a date Friday and Saturday and Sunday we spent the full days together at her house (I slept on her couch on Saturday night).
On Sunday a friend left and she and I snuggled, made out, and eventually 'tried' to have sex. I failed
That put a quick end to her evening and after being embarrassed and stumbling through that incident, she said it was ok. I texted her on the ride home to apologize again and just bs. No response, but that's not so unusual.
On Monday, I called her and we BS'd and then I asked if she wanted to go out and we went out for an early date - to pick up something at the mall and have dinner. Dinner was lengthy and everything seemed normal. We even continued to make our plans for going away in a few weeks.
I took her home early and simply mentioned I hate taking her home. She smiled but didn't say anything. I gave her a kiss - first cheek, then peck on the mouth and then I gave her a real kiss (she didn't pull away and seemed normal but just an odd sequence).
Texted her that evening - no response. Next morning I texted her again to wish her a good day. I did get a 'thanks, hope you do too'. That evening we had separate happy hours. I texted her a few times (not uncommon) - I got one quick response.
That evening, I got home and texted her again because something arrived in the mail we were both excited about. No response. Then before I went to bed, I texted her again to tell her good night and missed chatting with her (this was around midnight).
I didn't expect to hear anything until the morning - but she went off to work and I didn't get a text (and she doesn't have her phone during the day). It's not unusual for her to send me a quick text before she heads in.
Now, she is a little reserved with feelings and texting is something that is frustrating with her - sometimes she doesn't get back and sometimes it takes awhile. But I was a bit surprised when I put my emotions out there I didn't get anything back from her.
I'm going very nuts today because she is someone I care deeply about. I do know over the weekend she told a friend how much she liked me. I'm hoping our sexual disconnect (which I told her was out a surprise because wasn't expecting us to go there yet) didn't ruin it. It seemed like on Monday everything was fine.
But the very minimal communication after our date and through this morning worries me. Should I be? Or am I over-reacting/analyzing?
I think it is possible that you maybe just sensitive because of what happened between both of you.....
Don't worry too much about it.... just be yourself , worrying will only make things worse.
Both of you can have a chat soon about it.
It could be that she felt rejected by you..... or not attractive to you...
I hope she doesn't feel it's because she's unattractive. I've heard that from a couple of people now.
She is amazingly cute and perfect and I wouldn't change anything about her. NOTHING. If I hurt her, I'm devastated.
I hope that's not enough to scare her away because I'll prove to her how much I find her attractive over time.
Please stop using TEXTing as an indicator of your relationship. All those texts, it would drive me crazy. You are coming off as needy. Step back and let her miss you for a change.
May I ask your ages?
Do you have any idea what happened that you were not able to have sex with her? (drinking? people around? you are on medication?)
Good point on the texting it could come across as needy.
What happened to you?
I think you need to arrange to talk with her..... otherwise it is the elephant in the room.
Do not stress too much over performing to convince her of attractiveness .... that may not be the case at all , nobody knows what anybody is thinking.... If anything that kind of thinking will make things worse between both of ye.
Just relax and please stop being so hard on yourself these things happen sometimes more than you think....
Find out what is going on for you first ..... that is partly the problem focusing on the outside, her and what does she think....
If she cares for you this would not come between both of you.
Maybe try having fun outside of the bedroom, all that will come in its own time, when the time is right. Tune into yourself more, maybe ask yourself how are you doing every once and a while.
I think you are overwhelmed about this relationship and not grounded yet....
I read your post again and ..... I think I may be able to answer as a woman's point of view as to the distance.... it could be that you did not take full ownership of the intimacy going to that place..... stated to her that you were not expecting things to go there yet.... that would bug me ..... and make me feel like the attraction was one sided and like I was desperate..... just saying.....
It would appear to me that you were in fact trying to project the problem on to HER.....
That is a rejection on some level to her....
I hope the texting doesn't seem needy. Our texting has been normal and I don't randomly send her 'needy' texts..but based on the history we've developed - when something interesting is going on we typically text.
Having said that, my very last text last night could have been construed as needy, as I said "I miss chatting with you".
What's going on with me, sexually has nothing to do with her. It has to do with a very rich sexual history and anxiety with her. I can't really explain it all right now.
You bring up a good point she might feel rejection and I want to remedy that.
I am overwhelmed and not grounded, and it's tough to find that grounding.
You seem to be on the right thinking path.... and focusing on you and have come up with the possible answer to the issue..... that is good ....
You use the word 'disconnect'..... what is that all about..... what are you not saying....and acknowledging.... to yourself firstly before anyone else.
Is this something that may require building trust between you and her? How long have you had this problem?
Is it specifically with this new lady?
You need to figure it out....sometimes giving these things some time and focus on getting to know one another more, and just have fun together.
Mostly when you are anxious is an indicator that you are not ready on some level psychological?
Please do not stress too much, take it handy and give yourself a break.
I would talk to her, and tell her what is happening.... things are not clear. If it is too soon for you to share this with her?
Just be honest....
The issue is because of a very robust sexual past that, at some point, became boring and sex/libido got destroyed to some degree.
It's something that I'm working through and is starting to get better.
It has NOTHING to do with her or wanting to be intimate with her. In fact, I'm excited about being intimate with someone I'm connected with. I'm not proud of my past and I try to leave it there. I don't want to bring it up with her for fear of scaring her off.
She is beautiful, intelligent, sweet, kind, fun, and I think can be sensitive.
I, pardon the pun, made my bed and need to lie in it. But when you find the person you've been looking for your whole life...it's a bit difficult to take a careless attitude about it. I think other women could even handle it..but not her.
Help - tried calling her, she didn't answer...but that could be she isn't near her phone. So, not to be obsessive, I'm not texting her or calling anymore today. I may try once more this evening. I didn't leave a message..maybe I should have....I overthink everything and originally left a message and deleted it.
STOP STOP STOP....... this is getting out of control...... are you sure you are ready for a relationship? One that requires respect and boundaries? Leave it with the texting and phoning....
Your past is catching up with you...... how are you working through it ? Are you seeing a therapist? If you are then you need to bring this up.
You are clearly not in a good head space.... you have got to be honest with her..... I understand you need to leave it in the past ... but if it is effecting your present and possibly effect your future.....
I think that maybe this hiding your past is what is causing your anxiety issues .... get it out in the open with her and then you can move past this .....
you are already judging her and not giving her credit.... by saying she would not understand .... maybe she is not right for you then...
I understand that for men performance during sex is very important and people have told me that even after 15-20 years of having sex with their partners they still feel anxious about if they will be able to meet up to expectations. So its nothing new that you are facing. For women though the sex performance is important but its not as important as the foreplay itself. Even if you fail you can make it up with extra foreplay and attention on her.
Just relax and if she has made plans with you for going away again in a few weeks it means she is okay! You can surely make it up to her next time and make her feel special. Right now all you need to do is put this out of your mind and continue being your normal self and wait for her to respond before you send the next text.