My best friend is my ex boyfriend
Met him last year, he was separated, we both fell in love. His wife insisted she came back much against his wishes. They've been trying to make it work, but only after he told me that he loves me and wanted me to be his future wife. Had given him an ultimatum and he chose his wife cos they want to try for a child, which still hasn't happened after 8 months. I've pushed him away repeatedly after our breakup, but he never wanted to break all ties with me. We don't have a physical relatiionship anymore, its based on mutual understanding of each other. Never did the I hate you thing, its always been about caring for each other deeply, but wanting to do the right thing by not having a relationship. We now have a very rewarding best friend situation, I could never imagine losing him in my life, and him too. I stopped hoping a long time ago that they would break up, and recently haven't been yearning for him anymore. He is very supportive to me as I have many life struggles. No one has ever been so wonderful to me before like he has, and he doesn't even want anything from me except to be my friend.
The problem is that I love this man dearly, and I'm going out on a limb here by saying that I think he really loves me too, except his morals and marriage vows won't allow him to have an affair with me.
I feel that if I was to end the friendship which he also doesn't want, then it will be the biggest loss in my whole life. I'm not waiting on him anymore, but I know that he is my soul mate, even though I believe its possible to have more than one in your life. He's my first. I've met other men, but they all pale in compairson to the beautiful person he is. And I know that he thinks I'm ten times better a woman than his wife, but it remains the same - no relationship between us.
How can I stop loving him and needing him so much, because I know that I will always compare him to every possible relationship I start. It doesn't hurt to have him around as a friend, as I can share my life happenings with him in a neutral way, and he's always there for me. It would hurt me so much more, and I would dive into a depression, as I have before everytime I tell him goodbye for keeps...
I am slightly bipolar and need someone in my life to care for me and watch out for me the way he doesm. Not a using scenarior - his essence is really dynamite and that's why I love him, and he knows that I still feel this way about him. It does get embarrassing sometimes when I bring it up, cos he responds at first, but then always goes back to "we're just friends".
In actual fact I know he does love me, because of how we are together, he just tries to stop his side cos of his committed marriage.
Yeah I'm a fool, but a lovable fool. We do have our own private lives never crossing over into each others, but I don't want to terminate the friendship. Its too good!
P.s. I know logic tells me that I can never have a complete relationship with a new man while still having such an intimate friendship with him, but logic gets overuled by my heart. Catch 22! I want what I had with him before in my next relationship but its so hard letting him go mentally... Wtf do I do?
Yes, you CAN be a friend to this man. But you want more, and that is NOT going to happen.
So - here you are . . . for how long?
I can't help but feel that his wife is feeling betrayed by him. He says he loves you, but he is with her. Surely she must know about you.
Sounds mixed up to me, but then again, perhaps he's very happy about it. He has the best of two worlds.
In the meantime, life and real love is passing you by while you pine for a married man.
Kat, a true man would never have been involved with you if he was still 'together' with his wife.
Granted they were separated when you met, but he still wasn't over her (obviously) and you need to understand that no matter how well you hit it off, he needed to be over her completely to commit to you properly. If his morals and marriage vows won't allow him to have an affair with you, then what happened in the first place when you met?
And if his morals and marriage vows were that strong, then why DID he separate from his wife? Why didn't he work it out rather than leave her?
Now you find yourself in a situation SIMILAR to where the third person is nearly always the one to be hurt the most when it comes to affairs.
While he's your best friend, he still doesn't have the right to tell you he wants you as his future wife while he's still with his wife. How can he contribute to his marriage if he told you he loves you? He needs to be with his wife 100% in mind, body and soul for the marriage to work.
If you love him enough and care for him deeply and those feelings were reciprocated back to you, then he wouldn't be with his wife, she'd be an ex wife. But, he accepted her ultimatum.
He may be your soul mate, but he's not with you, he's with his wife by choice. She has some sort of hold over him (forget about marriage vows) and to be frank, they are pretty irresponsible and naive to think that a child will keep them together happily.
Go back to where you were pushing him away repeatedly and leave it at that and stand your ground. This guy is unwittingly controlling you in some ways while trying to sort his marriage.
If you state, you need someone in your life to look out for you and care for you because of your personal situation then you need to find someone else to do that for you.
This guy (no matter how good a person he is) is not doing you any favours whatsoever. Given the circumstances, this friendship is more damaging to you than rewarding. Be true to yourself and use some of that logic you mention in your second post...
Susie iand manalone: I just want to correct some technicalities - his wife left him, not because there was anything wrong with him, but because she was the one with the behavioural problems. I've met her in a family event, and the family has unwittingly let me know that she was the one with the problems. I was the one who picked up the pieces after his devastation.
He told me that he's in love with me and that he wanted me to be his future wife BEFORE they got back together. I was the one who gave him the ultimatum, her or me, she didn't know about me. I was the one who kept breaking from him towards the end of our relationship, you call it affair.
Tell us again why he is back with her and they are trying to have a baby?
"How can I stop loving him and needing him so much, because I know that I will always compare him to every possible relationship I start. It doesn't hurt to have him around as a friend, as I can share my life happenings with him in a neutral way, and he's always there for me. It would hurt me so much more if I didn't have him as a friend, and I would dive into a depression, as I have before everytime I tell him goodbye for keeps..."
Sometimes we DO project our feelings onto other people, yet I know even though he did tell me at the beginning that he was in love with me, he no longer does say anything about his feelings for me, apart from the fact that he really cares for me deeply - I know that in any given situation feelings are strong both ways, and its not just wishful thinking that I know he really does love me as a person and woman but won't admit it cos he thinks it would somehow make the "relationship" start all over again, and that's not what his head has chosen to do...
Its no longer about his feelings for me, but my feelings for him. You could say I'm in a state of flux, knowing him and our previous relationship, not pining for him anymore, yet I won't let him leave my life again, as our friendship is truly a beneficial one.
I just want to know how to unfeel the depth of my feelings... What remedies do I enforce to go forward, now that I have a certain standard that I want in a man, while still loving another human who is so good to me without any pretense of anything happening further in our future? He won't leave her, I'm not expecting him to, I'm just happy to be friends with him. I have put a lot of importance on our friendship and he knows this and he values it.
There's something else I'm saying here but can't quite put it into words... Just yet.
..My apologies Kat, now that you have shed some more light into it...but regardless, he went back to her Kat, despite her behavioral problems and despite the fact YOU gave him the ultimatum.
His actions have spoken and so have yours by giving him the ultimatum. You pushed him away repeatedly when he came back. It doesn't matter if he told you he loved you and you were his future wife before OR after he went back to his wife, he still did it!
And regardless (no disrespect meant) if it was an affair or a relationship, you are the third person being hurt the most because he was with you, then returned back to his wife. It's still the original triangle and my point is, that you're still in it by being his friend.
And if he has a committed marriage, as you state, then what he is thinking?? It's either you or his wife...as SUSIEDQ stated, he has the best of both worlds, but ask yourself are you happy being a part of it after you gave him the ultimatum?
Okay, here it is... My current life situation is a bit of a mess, given that I am temporarily living in an outbuilding at my ex husbands home. We have two teenager kids who need me, and I don't currently have a job. Had to leave the last position as my former boss was a vindictive bully, won't go into the details. I wanted out of the marriage as my ex husband is an emotional and verbal abuser, to the point that I had a huge breakdown two years ago, and cyclothymia (low level bipolar) was diagnosed. Its a form of bipolar that comes about having a slight brain chemical imbalance but aggravated by trauma, ie: abuse and marriage breakdown. My form of bipolar was based on low self esteem / unworthy feelings, but the individual does not necessarily portray outward detrimental mood swings, just internal ones where the individual is living in an inner world of torment. Its not necessarily a behavioural condition, this cyclothymia, but more an inward feeling of not being a complete person, ie: the self judgement, the not fitting in to environments or society. Typical normal human scenario that almost every human goes through to some degree.
I am still in a current living situation that does me no good, for the verbal abuse/ financial abuse / emotional abuse is still existent, even though I try to keep myself out of my ex husbands way. Gave him primary residence rights as he has the money and kids wanted the lifestyle that he can provide.
Given my current life situation, and my condition, I have had bouts of depression wherein very recently everything got to much for me, and I was about to take an overdose in order to escape into oblivion, which is not right thinking, but I had hit a very low point in my suicidal thinking history. Never did I previously want to take my own life, just a depressed notion in the past, but thank god something happened to intervene my almost attempt!
So you see, even though you say that this situation with my previous boyfriend / now my best friend will continue to cause me distress, the alternative will cause me even greater distress, by terminating my friendship with him. He is my anchor, he is my friend when I need one the most. We are both christ-followers, and he inspires me and encourages me in my moments of trial. The biggest problem is that I still have romantic feelings for him, whereas he doesn't anymore for me, apart from our sexual chemistry which is still incredibly strong, and we try not to see each other cos of this, but sometimes I just need a hand to hold in my life
I just want to know how I can move on, away from my romantic feelings for him, but still being very close friends with him. I do bring much light into his life too, as he is also going through trials, even though I have my own. I am very much a better woman because of his healing in me, bubblier, happier, focused, outgoing with strangers, more confident (even though I've been through an abusive relationship). And I thank God that he has put some skin on, and shown me through this man how God can work his wonders.
Now that you have put in the complete picture helps me understand your situation better. Let me summarize it for you.
1. You have had an abusive relationship and needed emotional help to come out.
2. This very good friend helped you get emotionally stable and continues to hold your hand when you falter.
3. With his help you feel more confident and ready to face the world once again.
Now your question is "Is it possible to continue friendship with him while having no romantic links?"
Yes its possible but the path there is not easy and not everyone can reach there.
You have feelings for him and they cannot be erased with a click on a delete button. So let the feelings be there. All you have to do is change your focus from romance and love to living for yourself. Change your focus to
1. Getting a new job.
2. Making new friends (I mean both sexes and not for dating).
3. Concentrate on your kids more.
Now when your romantic feelings rise up, you will need something to block it. Thats what in the earlier posts they have tried to tell you in various ways. Create a mild anger in yourself against him (just so much so that it takes away the romantic thoughts). Keep the thought aside as to how good your friend is and think he gave you romantic feelings and then ultimately dumped you for his wife. Didn't you feel rejected then? Didn't you feel sad for yourself (leave the thought aside that you felt happy for him)? He said he saw you as his future wife but gave his wife back that place coz they wanted a baby? So even a baby who has not come into the world is more important than you for him?
While reading this also still you will be rejecting all this coz you are so much in love. But this is the only way to keep friendship while coming off romantic feelings for him.
Don't look for dating others until you get a hold over your love feeling. Else you will keep comparing.
Thank you Shivangi, for your advice, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Of course I won't reject it, I want to move forward, just a little difficult when this guy is being so awesome and amazing to me, if you can understand? Thanks once again.
I wish you were more angry at him than you are. He lets you down and continues to use you for sex.
Your low self esteem feeds into all this situation, plus an attraction to all the drama.
Please get some counseling. There are just too many things going on in your life, yet, you remain focused on this unavailable man.