In love with someone who is unavailable!
Well me and him have known each other for 30 years and have always had a special bond. We separated when I moved to another state in 95 and we both got married and had separate lives and families. We kept in touch through the years. My mother got sick with cancer I moved back home and we saw each other. I have just finalized my divorce after 15 years and we started to see each other for the past couple months. He has been unhappy for years they have separated several times and he owns his own business and he basically "hides" there every night for past 5 years. I know his family and they tell me the same thing. He has told me loves me and wants a future with me but I feel terrible because he is still at home and married. He says he has to clean things up first because of business etc because she will be nasty and he wants to be smart about it. I told him tonight we need to talk because I need to tell him I can't do this while he is married and with her still it's not fair to anyone. I have never in my life loved anyone like him and never thought there was true soul mates until him. This is the hardest thing I have ever thought of doing! He says he wants to protect me from all the bad stuff and I don't deserve what is happening either but he can't and won't let me go. Am I doing the right thing walking away? With his business etc it will be a year plus before we can be together, his attorney told us. That's not fair to me?? Please any advise????
Lanny, you've waited for 30 years for this man and you state you both share a special bond. Therefore, waiting a bit longer shouldn't hurt.
On the history of his marriage, he'll have no 'heart' worries divorcing his wife if he basically lives at his place of business. And it's obvious he's well and truly over her. And if his attorney can tell you the period of time it'll take to sort, then you may have to double it.
You need to take 2 steps away and let him sort everything properly.
He may want to protect you from all the bad stuff but you'll find he needs you there by his side while he does this but you need to decide whether you CAN be there...mentally and morally.
But, if all you state in your post is correct about your love etc and he truly loves you and needs to be with you in the future, he will respect whatever decision you come to.
Hello Lanny, your love for him won't change, but what needs to change is the mindset that he is currently unavailable. The other woman doesn't just give up her heart, but she gives up her freedom to continue living in a state of unsurety. Granted, we do not know how true he is and if he will eventually make the break. But what if he doesn't? What if your undercover relationship drags on for longer than you both anticipated? You will have given up multiple chances to meet and form loving relationships with an available man, a man who can give you the love you deserve. Do not cling to the hopes that this man is meant for you, and that you'll never find another man quite like him again. I think the bottom line here is that if he truly desires you to be his future, he would make you his future right now. Not in a year, not in two years, but now. He is putting logic before you and his feelings for you, in that he "needs to tie up business", "his wife will turn nasty". These are reasons that he is justifying for his inaction to make his relationship with you known to the world. He will always need to tie up business, his wife will always get nasty, whether its now, or in the future. I understand that he doesn't want his life to get messier, trying to minimise collateral damage, financially and emotionally, but its gonna happen. He's just delaying the inevitable, and in the meantime he is not fulfilling his promise of love to you, which he is doing so by not considering your feelings, your state of mind. Stop thinking of his future promises, and start thinking of YOUR life. You don't want to be in this position, so let him know upfront and save yourself the long drawn out heartache and yearning that will follow if you continue to be the other woman until he has "sorted his life out". We are worth so much more than allowing ourselves to love a man who is not in a position to be all that he promises for our future. May God soothe your soul in the decision you will make, and some of us have been "the other woman", not by choice, but by our hearts ruling us to men who aren't available.
God this is a hard place to be in.... I understand where you are coming from.
You can always be his friend and support during this time and see how things materialize.
This may not be as hard as you realize.... if you know each other 30 years and have a bond...
So sit tight and this will be over soon.
Sounds like financial concerns will be the most important thing to him. I understand that, but he has obligations to his wife because she has been there all these years - and she's getting dumped for another woman. Wonder why she is going to "get nasty.'
You are in the middle of a storm and I'd suggest that you tell him you will pick up the relationship when it passes.
You are right, it is not fair to anyone - especially you.
PS - Expect a pre-nuptual if you ever marry.