Boyfriend's family issues
I'm having some trouble with my boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend, and I'm not sure how I should be reacting or behaving. This is the first time I've had a problem like this. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 1.5 years, and we are very serious and hopefully will get married someday. My boyfriend and his brother are less than 2 years apart, and they share an extensive friend group and are pretty close. My boyfriend's brother recently got engaged to his long-time girlfriend. My main issue is that they (my boyfriend's brother and his new fiancé), for reasons I don't totally understand, have decided that they really do not like me and do not want me around. I have not seen my boyfriend's brother or his girlfriend in a year. Before a year ago, I had met them a handful of times, mostly at bars. They seemed standoffish and rude to me; I was an outsider going out with their huge group of friends and was the only one that didn't know anyone, and they did not make me feel welcome. Then one night, my boyfriend and his brother got in a huge fight while I was there because his brother (and brother's girlfriend) said he didn't like me and my boyfriend should break up with me. After that, we sort of avoided his brother and his brother's girlfriend and just didn't go to any events they planned. Now, a year later, however, my boyfriend's brother is newly engaged to his girlfriend, and they are throwing a huge engagement party. I heard secondhand from my boyfriend that his brother's girlfriend said I was "not allowed to come" to the party or to their wedding. My boyfriend said he would just show up to the party for a little bit to show support for his brother, and I got upset because I felt like he was showing his brother and all his friends by coming to the party alone that I was not that important, and I felt brushed aside. I told my boyfriend how I felt, and he proceeded to confront his brother, who refused to back down from saying I was not allowed to go to the party, and now my boyfriend says he is not going to his brother's engagement party or their wedding. During the confrontation my boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend said they would like an apology from me if I wanted to go to the wedding because I had been rude to them, etc. I'm not sure what I did to them and I sort of feel like it is my boyfriend's responsibility to resolve whatever issues there are. Should I call my boyfriend's brother and apologize? What would I even say? How should I feel about the whole situation?
Quite frankly, without the fanfare, you and your BF should attend the party. Respect is a two way street but you need to consider that maybe your hopes of marrying your BF may not be shared.
People close to your circle, but outside of your relationship, are two steps away from it and they can sense and observe whether you and BF are as serious as you say; they can sense whether anything will come out of it. If your BF's family could sense this then they would respect you in every way.
Your Bf 's initial idea attend to the party by himself basically says where you stand with him because if he was serious about marrying you, he would involve you totally in everything, regardless of what his brother etc thinks.
It's not up to your BF to sort the party matter, rather it's up to your BF to decide whether he is going to develop your relationship to be married someday. And it's up to you to decide whether YOU will stand side by side with him to do this.
And the previous poster is correct in every way; you don't apologize unless you understand and know that you have done wrong.
Hey firstly stick two fingers up at this engaged couple......... Also your partner should be supporting YOU.... I can tell you that if this was happening to a partner of mine by a family member I would stand by my partner 100% guaranteed.
This fool of a woman sounds like a self important bully, and control freak.....
I would find your voice because I get the feeling from your post that these three people are over bearing.
Is it a possibility that she is jealous of you..... I have a feeling that you are better looking, women can be odd like that it sounds like something as shallow as that because she did not even give you a chance to talk to you.
I personally would be hurt by this, your brother is stuck in the middle and I think this couple are selfish to but him in this position. I would be angry if I was the brother.
Have a talk with him and stay calm , try and come from a calm place not from a place of blame. You fella may just stick with you on this. Do not apologize they do not know you and have nothing concrete to warrant a word from your mouth. Do not bow to any of it.
Family or not I would not go to the wedding even for a drop in or show face......
Stick to your guns.... and dump him if he is not man enough to stick by his girl in the face of an injustice....
I'm curious as to WHY they regard you with such disdain. SOMETHNG must have happened.
Unless you can clearly get a handle on that, you are never going to understand their actions.
You BF must find out the reason you have been banned from family gatherings.
Really, you have NO idea? - I mean this is the ENTIRE family, not just one person!
It's not his entire family that is a problem, just his brother and his brother's girlfriend. His parents and other family like me and I spend time with them. His mother is trying to mediate between her sons, but it's not working. I am not sure why my BFs brother and his girlfriend/fiance do not like me; they say I was rude to them on several occasions, and once asked my boyfriend's brother what his girlfriend's problem was. I honestly don't remember doing that. My boyfriend's theory is that his brother's girlfriend is controlling and just likes to have the upper hand, and generally enjoys picking on other girls to bully. I'm generally a quieter person and I guess I seemed like an easy target. If I was slightly rude to them, it was over a year ago and I wouldn't even know how to begin to try and make things right now when it's been so long since I've even seen them. The reason me and my boyfriend are not considering engagement or marriage right now is because I'm still in graduate school and it just doesn't seem like the right time.
Apparently they have not gotten over when you were "slightly rude" a year ago. So don't try to make this what is isn't. You say you don't like them, anyway.
You don't want to come between your BF and his brother. That is not fair to him. Your boyfriend was right, show up for a little time and then leave.
Stay out of the way of the newly engaged couple. Emotions are high and you don't want to be the excuse for anything that could go wrong. Be the better person and step back at this time. Do it with a smile and wish them the best.