I have been with my partner for 7 years, getting together at the age of 15. He is very close with my family but I am not with his. We have broken up before, he ended it due to basically being immature after few months we took it slow and worked it out and our relationship improved dramatically. But recently, we sadly ended again.
I am in my final year of University. Struggling with my stress levels, a medical issue and an eating disorder. I started questioning my relationship, I freaked out that I might end up looking back and regretting things and resenting him for it. I hated the idea of being miserable with him and therefore hurting him. I explained to him that I was having some issues and needed some time apart from him. Honestly, I found it difficult to word what was going on in my head, so I know at first he didn't completely understand why I was asking for space but he said he would give me time, that he will always be here for me and loved me. What didn’t help either was a guy was interested in me at the time, and my partner did not understand why he would keep pursuing me after I rejected him and thus accused me of giving him unconscious advances and that I must have kissed him. (This guy did attempt to kiss me, but I pulled back. He remained a friend because I am at University with him and I did not want to add that awkward drama into my life, it was easier this way). This obviously made the break more difficult, and my partner strongly believed I had asked for space so I could be with this new guy. I recently found out that he was going to give me space to be with the new guy because he wants me to be happy, yet didn’t even ask me if that would make me happy.
Anyway, I digress. We continued talking, because I still wanted him in my life and he wanted to be in mine, offering to help me when I needed and spending some time to together occasionally. I noticed his behaviour changing towards me, he became more distant, and started changing his appearance getting new clothes and working out, and making an obvious effort and it was not for me. To which I find out he is hanging out with a female friend as well as other friends, one he called fit in a boasting way just before we officially ended which happened just over a week ago we spoke in person and he told me that he didn’t want to be with my at the moment, I understood that it was because I hurt him, and is dealing with the loss of his mother (almost 2 years ago) and troubles finding a job. He explained that he felt like I had dumped him and was expecting to just pick him back up again. But I had tried to make it clear before that was not my intention, before he said this, I had said that we should go on a date because I wanted it to be slow and steady and that I needed to deal with me. But I think this girl is also playing a small role in his change of behaviour. He said he wants a future with me, but at the moment doesn’t want to be with me because I hurt him. I of course apologised for hurting him, I told him I wanted to be with him but understood that because he actually said he doesn't want to be with me, I cannot see him because this would hurt too much and he wasn’t keen on seeing me because I had hurt him, but he still wanted us to text. Leaving it with saying that this is all my fault and it is what I wanted.
We are texting, but since that conversation, I started to get angry. Because I felt unsupported by him, and then angry that maybe I have no right to feel this way, it was obvious that I was having issues and my eating was getting worse and he didn’t notice. He is close with my family and when he noticed one of my family members no longer making effort with him, he asked if I was ok with him. Which I thought was an odd question seeing as he told me he didn't want to be with me. I explained that I was angry, that I needed him, and he couldn't see it, even though I did try to tell him as best as I could about my Eating getting worse. But I found it hard, because I do not feel my current state of mind is anything like his as he lost his mother, so I have no right to expect him to support me, I should be supporting, he did apologise for not seeing that I needed him. Am I right to be upset that he didn’t notice or am I being selfish? I supported him and still do around him losing his mother, I am aware he is avoiding a lot of his emotions in relation to this and I want to support him regardless.
However, our distance is growing. I am starting to feel more and more like his safety net, he does text me every day to see how I am, but I am worried that this is just so he can keep a link to me for when he wants me back, which he tells me will happen because he wants a future with me. I can’t remember how I feel when I am around him, I feel like I am blocking those feelings so it doesn’t hurt as much. I am trying to focus, but doubting what I should do? I know I made mistakes and reacting to the stress the way I did, that feeling I was experiencing at the time causing my impulsive behaviour was not the right move. It is a lesson I have (hopefully) learnt and am going to remember this and am working on myself. But it is hard because I do not know where I am with him; I am sitting on a fence, with no idea if he going to want me back and I cannot stop thinking about it. Does anyone have any advice; I am not even sure what questions to ask.
Thank you, sorry it's so long.
You have invested a HUGE amount of time with this guy - age 15 to 22. Those are years that could have been spent exploring the world and getting to know yourself.
So that's what you are yearning to do right now, I think. I think you are being suffocated.
Yes, go off on your own now - but not to the arms of another man. You have never been without a man in your life. See how that feels for a while.