I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 7 years. He has slowed down his drinking but when he gets past a certain point he turns into a real jerk. He lives with me and my kids ages now are 15 and 17. At first I fell in love with him but over the years as I have learned he really doesn't care about anything but his self. He says that isn't true, but he doesn't seem to show it. He has done a lot of things that I am unable to do outdoors due to my allergies like mow the lawn, take care of the garden and his flowers and has totally remodeled the yard and outside of the house. Recently we helped a friend tear down their home and replaced everything inside of our home with more updated materials. When we are fighting and I tell him to leave that I am done with being with him, he is drunk beyond recognition at this point, he threatens to tear down everything that he has done to "better" things around my place and destroy everything he has done. I really want and need him to go away and just leave me alone and my kids because we can do better than that, but I am afraid of what he will do to all the hard work he has put into my home because he doesn't care and won't care what happens if he has to leave. Please give me some good advice. I know that I can get a restraining order and stuff, but really they are just a piece of paper and don't really keep anyone from causing harm to anything. I just need to get a back bone and know I can do better. Easier said than done
I understand it is not easy to stay with an alcoholic, it can be like living with a time bomb, you can never be sure when he will snap. Sometimes there can be many reasons behind why he became an alcoholic, depression being one possibility, but with that said, I would not be so quick to judge, because only you know best.
Have you tried talking to him about his alcohol problems? Does he want to get help? How often does he drink? From morning to night? Is he functional? You could try seeking help from the Alcoholic Anonymous, that is provided he is willing to go sober.
He feels abandoned when you want him to leave, which is why he threatens to tear down everything he built, a lot of answers here you might receive here would be a straight one - to get him out once and for all, but I would not advise that, you would not want to take any risks, especially since you have children. It is easier said than done, because you and your children are the ones going to face the fear.
You mentioned that he has slowed down his drinking, did he change for you, or is it due to his own health conditions? There are too many factors here to consider, do you see hope in the relationship? Or are you fully prepared to end it? Does he have a place to stay if he were to move out of your home? If he is homeless and you really decided enough is enough, are you able to assist him to get a place to stay (temporary)? This sort of negotiation with him might at least minimize the risk of him doing the extreme things, but this is purely my opinion only.
Whichever way you choose to do, it would take a leap of faith, I wish you good luck and all the best.
Strip off the drinking and you nave a threatening, immature, selfish bully who is a really BAD influence on your children.
When he is sober, tell him that he must stop drinking and if he can't stop, he must go into treatment. Tell him that you have drawn the line in the sand and he cannot cross it again. And tell him to not threaten you or your home.
Is there no relative or friend to help you with this?
I have a feeling that you have been an enabler all these years and this new role will be hard for you to do. Go to Alanon. Things DON'T get better with an alcoholic.
The kids will leave in a few years and you will be STUCK with this man you don't even love.
Think about it.
Couldn\\\'t agree more your life is being ruined by him..... no where in your post do I hear or get any sense of love from him.......
He does not see you........ because he does not see himself...... he is age 2 in a mans body...
Seek counseling for you and start a new life for you and your kid before it is too late.
This your life....
I know he has depression issues and used his drinking as his excuse to deal with it. When he is not drinking he has a hard time with sleep at night and when he is drinking he sleeps better but I don't due to having to smell his nasty beer breath. We have talked about it and seems like when we so he ends up drinking more than he normally does. He used to drink a 6pack of 16oz a night, then he got two DUI's and took classes for 9 months and was sober the whole time. Then he graduated just before his birthday and started again. For the most part he only drinks 2 24oz beers and once he goes beyond 48oz of alcohol he starts to change into the not so nice person. When he is that not so nice person he wants to talk and asks me questions about how I feel and stuff. I of course know better than that because once he goes beyond that point in his drinking he never remembers anything. When he is sober I find it hard to open up to him because he ends up drinking more that evening and then we are at square one again. He does have a place he can go but it is not really anywhere he should be. He says he wants to quit but he doesn't. He knows I hate it because when ever he goes to the store and buys beer I get disgusted and he always says "I know you don't like it when I drink". I can't find myself actually having a heart to heart talk to him because I have poured my heart out before and it seems as if he doesn't care. We have no kids together but I find my kids are to the point they don't care for him at all. My biggest concern is him thrashing my place. I can call an end to this relationship when he is sober, but what the repercussion would be is my scare. Alanon is out of the question, we tried that when he was in classes and we weren't pleased with how it went. Made me want to actually want to drink and I am not a drinker.
Alanon is for family and friends of those who have a loved one who drinks. It is sharing of how people live with these problem drinkers. The alcoholic does not go to these meetings.
AA is for the alcoholic. It is a 12 step program that can help people stop drinking one day at a time. Those meetings can be depressing, but YOUR BOYFRIEND is heading for those sad, disgusting stories real soon. Other family members don't go to these meetings.
You make excuses for him. If you were really serious about getting rid of him you would know how to. I think you really just want him to stop drinking. He will then be a "dry drunk" because he will still have the issues that drive him to drink.
After my last post I got a call from my doctor and was told they found cancer cells in my uterus and it may be from my cervix. So this week I have had a couple of tests done and am waiting results.
Now I am having to deal with his continued drinking and getting upset because we can't have sex. When he is sober he is caring about the cancer part but when he is drinking he is worried about "So what are we going to do about not being able to have sex" and "Looks like we aren't going to be able to have sex for a long time".
It is very upsetting to me and I told him tonight that it seems like he is more worried about sex and it almost started a fight. I am trying real hard to relax and fight my anxiety about the now I have cancer.. Any suggestions on how to deal with it.
Spunkee, you have a choice, stay with a selfish, self centered individual who is also an abusive alcoholic or move on.
Prior to your diagnosis, you may have had a slim chance to try and work things out with him, but now you really need to worry about yourself.
It's bad enough because alcoholics always blame someone or something else for their problem. There's no way your BF can be supportive or offer you any sort of stability whatsoever when you really need it now.
The choice is yours to make for your own well being and safety.
Just leave him. I know how you feel. My ex-fiancé is an alcoholic.They will never be sober even when they are sober, it is called a dry alcoholic. For the sake of your future and sanity, just leave him. I know it is very difficult but once you leave him, you will not regret it. Alcoholics tend to lies and a very manipulative people. They know how to act sweet so when they act like a jerk you won't leave them. They also do not care about you. Do you really want to be with a guy who choose alcohol over you? No. You deserve more than that. I wish you good luck in everything. Sometimes you have to be selfish and think about yourself. You deserve to be happy.
His "all self" verbal abuse if exactly what you DON'T need at this time.
Get rid of him!! He will make you even more sick.
Stress can contribute to illness. He is a major stress in your life and will NOT comfort you or be understanding.
This is a wakeup call for you to see what is going on.
PS - many couples have intimacy and/or sex when there is illness or body dysfunction. He sees you as a vagina, nothing more.
Move away from him and concentrate on your health. Nothing in the world is more important than your well being!