GF wants to take a break for a month
Don't know where to post my story, it's kind of long so brace yourselves.
I met my girlfriend during the very beginning of our freshman year at college (2011). At first we just spoke and were 'together' for 4 months.During these 4 months, we had stopped talking with one another after 2 months for two weeks until IM'd me on FB. We eventually started to talk again. Another two months roll by, she completely cuts off communication because she doesn't want to be in a relationship early on in college which I guess was understandable? Immediately after that, she had **** some kid and it completely destroyed me inside and out. I contemplated suicide because I've been through the motions before in relationships (two long term ones beforehand) and thought something was wrong with me. I talked to my dad and cousin and they helped me through a lot of it. I also believe that it made me stronger in a sense. There was completely no communication for months, (Jan-May). After finals were over (May) she had sent me a novel of a text stating how much she missed me, how she couldn't stop thinking about me etc. Obviously I was very bitter considering everything that happened, and basically told her that I was bitter etc. We talked for a week before we stopped communicating again because I didn't think I wanted her in my life. August rolls by and I get the feeling to text her, which I did (2012). Ever since then, we've been in a relationship for almost two years now. Obviously I had trust issues at the beginning, and still today but much less than the start of it all and that's not the reason why I'm here.
The reason I'm here is because we had just recently been on a break - about a week long. After her birthday we started slowly communicating again, saying things would get better etc. Nothing got better, the week after our break things were okay, but the week after thing started to get out of hand again because our lives were both becoming very stressful. Before the break, for the past 2-3 months, a lot of fighting was becoming an issue. Not over big stuff, small stuff. Very small stuff, like at the little things. It eventually started to snowball and the week before V-Day, we got into a very big argument while drunk. She started to push/claw etc. After that, it was hard for me to forget, so I didn't do anything for her on V-Day. Apparently, she was 'destroyed' by the fact I didn't do anything, and honestly, maybe it did because she still has never truly forgiven me for it. & As of recently, on 3/26/14 & 3/27/14, she wanted to break up because of unhappiness and wants to be happy again like we were in the beginning of our relationship. She says she knows we're both not happy, (which I am, I'm never not happy when I have her around), and that she wants to break-up. We had a long talk about it on 3/26/14, she was saying how she couldn't break up with me because she was afraid of me loosing me, but at the same time she wanted to be able to breathe and be happy on her own because our relationship quickly consumed the both of us, meaning, the relationship was our life. Nothing else. We saw each other every single day for at least 3-5 hours a day because we live one floor away from each other. While we had the talk on 3/26/14, I told her that her reasonings for wanting to stay together weren't good enough to actually be together just because she was afraid of loosing me. I told her this because she was saying how she doesn't see how things can get better after already being on a week long break, giving it a try, etc etc. But at the same time she was telling me she didn't want to break-up because of the fear of losing me forever. So I basically told her, if you don't have faith in this relationship that things will and indefinitely get better, than we should break up. This was basically the notion of the conversation for two hours after crying, kissing, holding each other, etc. I finally left the room because idk, I had too I guess and she kept crying telling me not to leave etc. Basically, I shouldn't have left because the next day I texted her, she wanted to fully break-up. I had to beg her to see me, and when we finally did - it was basically the same conversation except our roles switched. She was the one telling me, and I was the one being weak by crying, telling her I can't loose her etc. At the end of the conversation, we both agreed to go on a month long break. From April - May 10th, because that's when finals are over. We already established grounds. However, I'm skeptical because of our past. She's constantly reminded me of how stupid and arrogant she was freshman year and that she'll never do or be that person again.
The reason for the break is for us to become happy without relying on one another. However, I think that it ultimately means a break-up. When the breaks finally over, I'm scared that she's going to realize that maybe she doesn't need me in her life. However, she's always told me how I was her first love and that I could never be replaced and that she will always love indefinitely. We always talked about getting married, having kids and getting old together because she honestly and truly thought I was the one, her first relationship and her last. It was her first relationship with a guy. I honesty don't think her feelings have changed towards me and that we both honestly and truly love one another but the fighting and unhappiness didn't seem to stop for 2-3 months. I'm scared I lost her forever. I honestly love with her everything that I have and I want to respect the month break, but it's so hard with all the social media, her living a floor away, etc. And after two hours of talking, we started to kiss each other before she left and we said our goodbyes for a month. I told her I'm gong to miss her a lot, that I want her to find happiness so our relationship can be how it was, and that I hope she does well on all her tests. After kissing and hugging each other goodbye, I felt like I already lost her. Is the basic notion of this break that it will end up in a break-up because she's tired of being 'hurt' as she claims? I've made mistakes, but I've never initiated any of the small bickering fights. I'm not new to breaks because I've been in numerous relationships, I just know that when you do go on a break, it seems to me as if you loose something indefinitely; passion, motive, desire to strengthen a relationship, etc. However, at the same time, maybe this is what our relationship needs to become stronger. I'm so confused at the moment because I loose her forever, I know I'll loose myself. I've never felt so much acceptance from my family and friends of a girlfriend that I've had besides her. I've never felt the comfort and desire to try and make someone the happiest they could be in their life. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't really consider it breaking up whether or not we go on a break. However, a 'month' long break is stretching the term of a break. However, when we were talking, we both mentioned how it was like a vacation from one another. & it would be so much easier to think of it that way and become happy on my own, and do the things I want with the guarantee that we will be back together in a month's time after we've sorted out our problems and come back to one another. But at the same time, she said that she doesn't know if she will want to be back in this relationship with me and that she will want to 'grow' on her own. Which absolutely makes no sense to me because we're suppose to want to grow with each other. We're suppose to meet up and talk after our semester is over which is May 10th.
Another thing that gives me a glimpse of hope is how she hasn't change her relationship on FB or her profile picture of us in the past three days. And I KNOW she would've gotten around to it by now because whenever we're in a fight, she would be the first one to instantly delete me off of everything. However, this time she hasn't. Which gives me a slight chance of hope that maybe she really is thinking of this as a vacation and not wanting to go out and be 'single'. I also don't know if it's a chance of hope, but after our conversation - we kissed multiple times, held each other for a couple of minutes and said I love you back and forth before she finally went down to her room. The next day I texted her asking her for clarification on the break, and at the end of the conversation she ended it with a "I love you." So I'm really confused on what to think or how to feel and if I should remain hopeful in the next month that things will become better for the both of us.
She always mentioned how I will be her first & last true love and how she doesn't ever want to kiss anybody else, or grow old with anybody else. She constantly told me how in love with me she was and etc. So I do believe that she truly does love me and that her feelings haven't changed about me, it's just the fights.
I do not know how old both of you are .... but may I commend both of you for having the maturity to come up with a solution, you sound like you both really care for one another. The fighting had to stop and the space apart can help both of you gain some perspective. Both of you want the same thing as far as I can see which is to see how you are on your own....this could be the long goodbye scenario....or it may make you stronger....
Try to focus on exams and other things in your life..... time will tell.
You two need to learn how to have a relationship.
You suffocate each other, spend too much time with each other, then need to break away to breathe.
How about seeing each other every other day, or every three days. This will force both of you to fill your days with something other than each other. Develop yourselves as independent, well rounded persons and then come together and have something to talk about.
I think this is what she needs.
Yes I agree SusieDQ. I've also brought that up to her about the hanging out scenario and how we hangout way to much at the moment and cause pointless fights. She disagreed with me and didn't believe me. However, I also brought up this suggestions after she wanted to break up and then eventually we decided a break was more logical for the both of us. So now we're on a break until May 10th, (end of the semester) and I don't know how to reach out to her or what to say to her and I'm afraid that this long of a break will only push us further apart. Instead of potentially strengthening our relationship. I do know for certain I want this relationship and I'm 100% committed to it.
Another point on the FB stuff - a friend (none close with her) has told me that maybe she just hasn't changed her profile picture of us, or her relationship status of us being in a relationship still is because she doesn't want to hurt me. I find this plausible to some extent because she knows right now I am broken by all of us, but at the same time - she's ALWAYS quick to jump the gun on this matter. (Changing her picture/relationship status). So I'm not really sure how to take this topic. I'm not sure if she's not trying to hurt me, or if she actually might think it'll work out and that she truly does want space from one another. We both take FB/Twitter stuff seriously.
Any other advice?
Quite frankly, YCIR, I don't think your GF would have gone with the other guy (some kid) way back in 2011 if she thought anything of you or your relationship..or herself, despite her self confessed arrogance and stupidity. I think you'll find she unwittingly 'lost' you then.
Sure, we all mature over time, but ask yourself why you both continue to fight. In your circumstances, you expressly need love, acceptance and respect, instead you have conflict in the mix regardless of who initiates it.
You guys have been together 2 years where your bitterness and trust issues have been a responsibility of BOTH of you to nullify.
Two strong hearts together should bode for forgiveness and acceptance, trust and respect..not conflict and arguments and most certainly not constant separation.