Bumps in the road
JUNO912 - Mar 31 2014 at 16:33
Ok so this post is going to be super long but hopefully someone can help me with my problem. Last week I asked my boyfriend to take us to a movie I really wanted to see. I had texted him a couple times telling him I’d like to see it. It is a religious movie and while he does believe, he said he didn’t think he’d really like the movie. We didn’t watch it. He told me that I should take us to see it. I just ignored him because I couldn’t tell if he was joking. The past couple of months that have passed, we haven’t went out much at all. He will make comments about how expensive it is to go the movies, to eat, whatever. I’m sorry, forgive me if I’m wrong but I think it is a guys place to take the girl out. All my past boyfriends have. When he asked me to take us out, I just kind of ignored that comment (via text). Saturday rolled around and Id decided Id see the movie with my sister, cousin and parents. He text me and said his friends were going to see that movie that night and me and him both should go with them. I text him back saying that it was weird he didn’t want the two of us to go see it but when his friend wants to, he all of a sudden wants us to go. I felt like this was a slap in my face. I went on and seen it with my family like I’d planned. He said that’s fine and he’d see me later. When I got to his house, I was mad. I told him he’d really hurt me. He didn’t want to take me to see the movie but when his friends wanted to see it, he changed his whole demeanor. He apologized and said he didn’t realize I wanted to see it so badly. He said that when I asked to see it, I didn’t act like I wanted to see it that bad, and didn’t really show emotion (?) like it was that big of a deal. He said next time I want to see one, grab him by the arm and say lets go! I also told him that I didn’t like sitting at his house watching movies all the time. He said I need to just let him know when I want to go out, because by time he gets home (he works two jobs), he is so wore out that unless I ask to go somewhere, he is going to do whats easiest … which is stay home and relax. I told him that I feel bad to ask to go out when he’s always saying how expensive it is. He said it is expensive. He said he doesn’t have much money to begin with and going out every weekend, sometimes several times was “breaking him up.” He said that how much money he spends should not be an issue. This of course made me feel a gold digger of some sort so I told him sorry, but I was used to, in my previous relationships, going out more and the guy always paying. He said that he doesn’t have near as much money as my ex and he’s just not able to do that all the time. He said on holidays and birthdays and every now and again, a special surprise like roses or candy are things he loves doing but he simply can’t take us out every weekend. He said he didn’t think it was really fair, him having to drive us there and pay for the movie and everything we do. He said it would be nice if I volunteered to drive or maybe even pay from time to time. He said this is how things worked in his past relationships. Is this the going thing now?! Some of my friends do this too. Guess its just new to me? I told him I would try to start paying some. (this will be hard, I am paying off college which is super expensive). He said he don’t expect me to but I could at least drive sometimes. He said if he pays some and I pay some, it will allow us to do more. Where I pointed out things that made me mad, of course he had to point out my faults. He said that I sometimes say he doesn’t want to see me (last week we were supposed to see each other one day but he went to a friend’s art show instead), but he said I do the same thing a lot and he never fusses. He said for instance, our only opportunity to see each other on Sundays is if we go to church together (later on in the day, we both have activities we are involved in), and I will almost always text him saying “Oh, I didn’t get up in time.” He said that is me not making an effort t o see him when I fuss at him for the exact thing. He also said he wishes I could get to his house sooner, or let him come to my house sooner. I am notorious for taking forever to get ready. If I am supposed to see him at 7, I will start getting ready at 5 and will be lucky to be ready at 7. I usually show up at 8. This annoys him to no end. He said I don’t have to look like a supermodel every time I come over. He said he knows I’m very beautiful but I don’t need to makeup, fixed hair and fancy clothes to prove it. He said he would much rather have the extra 2-3 hours to spend together and me not take that time to be all made up. I told him I was sorry and I will try to start getting there sooner. Basically, I went to his house furious over something he’d done and he politely reminded me that I’m not perfect either. He said he also doesn’t like it that I don’t believe him. In my past relationships, I feel like I wasn’t cared for. He said that I assume since my past boyfriends were like that, I assume he will be. He is right, unfortunately. I have a very negative viewpoint on men. He is referring to me doubting him. When he says Im beautiful, I laugh. I know I am attractive but don’t like to brag on myself, I never have. He will say you are. Don’t you believe me? And I’ll say yeah, I guess. Also I tell him sometimes I don’t think he loves me despite him saying he does (I say this because of things like the movie I wanted to see, for instance). Deep down, I know he loves me though. He also said that this is kind of why we don’t go out as much. He said he is not going to invest much in someone that doesn’t act like they love him. This made me feel bad because I doubt his love for me at times and its made him doubt my love in return. I had a list a mile long of how hes failed me, and Ive failed him too though =( Maybe I unrealistic expectations of men? He said that when I doubt his love for me, it makes him doubt my love for him, leading to a vicious cycle. I told him that my biggest fear is if we argue a lot, we will hate each other. I told him Id rather be friends than end up hating each other. He said he didn’t think thatd happen. I also told him if he is going to put his friends first , maybe Im not the right one for him (I later felt bad for saying this) but its true. He said he doesn’t put them first but has been hanging out with his best friend a lot more to be there for him (his best friend went through a tough breakup about three weeks ago). I really really care about him.We decided I am going to getting to his house sooner and not taking as much time to get ready, and he is going to start listening more to me when I want to watch a movie, or do something. Im afraid that maybe Ive finally found the one, but due to insecurities from past relationships, I will push him away. What is my problem? What is his problem? What do you all think about him wanting me to pay for us going out some? Am I too hard on him? Is he ignoring my feelings? What do you all think?! Need an unbiased opinion
One of the hardest things to do is trust someone. To trust someone you put your heart on the line to get hurt. However without trust a relationship has no foundation. Sounds like overall you have a good guy who loves you and wants you to be happy. Life today is expensive and he is working two jobs trying to make ends meet. I think if you compromise and drive or at least pitch in for gas he will be able to take you out more or go on dates that don't cost anything. When my boyfriend and I are low on cash sometimes we will get some inexpensive food and drive somewhere overlooking the city and have a picnic or sit in the car and eat and talk or listen to music together. Trust and communication are important, if you guys have that appreciate it and let that be the basis of your love for one another and you will be great :)
Hey your fella sounds like a good guy and very patient!!
Now to you my question is to you .....don't you want to be independent!!!!
Don't you want a equal relationship?
That type of guy is rare under 40 now a days....
Any relationship I have been in I have always paid half of everything. I just felt better and we respected each other as equals.
What he is asking is not unreasonable, I think its a real positive..... at least he is not controlling you.... or wanting power over you in the relationship....
Seriously don't make this a drama or bigger than it is.....
I do not know about your past relationships so I do not know if he is right on saying you project negatives on him.... but that is your past and should not be in this new relationship.....
Hurt pain, hard times are all part of life and relationships...... do not drag the past with you..... live in the now and enjoy this person.
Do not let the little stuff like the movie thing and bickering get in the way of you both.