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Should I Stand By My Demand?

Posted by
on Oct 7 2008 at 16:30
Member since: 07 October 2008
Relationship advice My boyfriend and I, was going for 8 1/2 years we had our ups and downs, but what relationship doesn't. When we had our son he finally realized that he wasn't happy and wanted to leave the relationship. I didn't stop him because I'm not going to force anyone to be with me. And deep down, I knew I wasn't happy either. We've managed to stay friends (I think we were better off as friends).

18 months later we took a trip together and on this trip we began reminiscing about the past -one thing led to the other and we slept together. After this, we both realized that the feelings were still there and we wanted to give our relationship another chance. He wants us to get married and be a family. He said he can’t imagine a life without me and our son. I feel the same way. Being in a relationship for such a long time it’s hard to imagine anyone else. However, I won’t limit my future happiness for settling for what is comfortable.

In our relationship he had this so called friend and I always suspected it was something more, but of course being a man he denied it. So I just left it alone. But recently I found some emails from this so called friend. In one of emails she is asking him “why do you cheat?” Apparently, she caught him picking up another woman from the airport when he was supposed to be fishing with a friend. She goes on saying how she thought it was only the two of them now running on confessing her love for him and blah blah blah. When I confronted him he still denies the relationship. My God he sounds so convincing, you want to believe he is telling the truth. (I swear if nominated for an Oscar for best actor he would win hands down). I can protect myself from many things, but never a liar. Seriously before I give this relationship a second chance I want to know – NO - I need to know the truth between him and this so called friend. So I decided to call her and ask her (woman to woman) about their relationship. I got her voicemail and I left a peaceful message asking her to call me back. She never did. I told him about it, he told me he already knew because she told him. He said she said that she doesn’t feel the need to call me back. I got upset because I felt it wasn't my job to get to the bottom of this. So I made a demand. (After all HE was the one who asked me previously what could he do, in order for me to marry him) I told him I wanted him to tell this so called friend in my presence (whether by phone or in person) that we are going to give our relationship a second chance and he has to cut all ties with her. He agreed and said it will be better if we do it over the phone. But he doesn't want her to know that I will be on the phone too. His reason was if she knows she will hang up and not talk. I was hesitant but hey, I just wanted to get this situation cleared up so I or we could move on. When it came down to it, he told me he was going to call her and prep her - some bullshit I didn't understand. Again hesitant, I agreed. About an hour and three minutes later he called telling me he told her already and she said she understands and she will stay away and that there is know need for ME to call her. I told him that was UNACCEPTABLE. How do I know if he actually called her. It's just a bunch of he said, she said shit.

I must admit I do love this man (he is a great lover, a great provider and a great father) and I do want us to be a family. But I refuse to enter in a relationship (marriage) with any doubts or insecurities. To me, marriage is not glorified dating, it’s a relationship different from all the others - it’s an entire lifestyle. The act of getting married says I chose this one unique being to share everything with me for the rest of my life. I'm sorry I want it all. I want someone who is willing to give me everything (jump through fire if he has to) I don't want half of a man. Anything less is just settling. For my son's sake I need to make educated decisions about my life. Weighing the pros and cons and coming to the best solution for us (my son and I). I need to feel that all of my questions have been answered truthfully. If its not, it will only create lingering suspicions, making it difficult to move ahead. I need him to recognize, understand and acknowledge what I’m feeling and going through. Until we can face the truth together there can be no resolution or rebuilding. Should I, stand by my demand or should I just cut my losses and get out while I can, because every moment I stay with him is another moment I’m losing from Mr. Right.

Should I stand by my demand?
Reply from
on Oct 13 2008 at 15:20
Member since: 13 October 2008
Dear Sadie,

I would definitely say that settling for less is a mistake. I did it for 9 years and I ended up unhappy and depressed. I've lived with a divorced man for 9 years. He said we wanted to remarry and even have a child with me, but none ever happened. There were always some other priorities. He feels offended if I go out for dinner with another man, even if there's no cheating involved whatsoever, because somebody might see me and it would make my boyfriend look bad. That does not stop him from playing cards in a club, twice a week (for the last couple of years) with two girls, having lunch, dinner or coffee with them in week-end, even when I have other things to do at home or I simply prefer having a lazy afternoon at home. He knows I hate that game (boring) and that the girls really bother me because they are single, looking, and ready to sleep with almost anybody. He thinks my own business projects are never feasible or come at the wrong time, whatever works to convince me to go on working on his own projects. And so on... He makes me feel like an idiot all the time. Never shows any signs of appreciation for my work or accomplishments. His answer? He thinks he is mediocre, so cannot think better of me. Is he abusive, or am I too demanding? Sometimes I feel I'm going crazy, don't know what to think of myself any more. Therefore, NO! Don't settle for anything less than what you need. I am prepared to end this relationship and this is the reason I reached this website. He is good looking, intelligent, and generally responsible, he supports me financially (although I never make unreasonable requests and do not ask for extreme luxury), but I think I'll do better on my own than being put down all the time, even if it comes from a man I really love. (or, better said, "loved"...) He did not buy me on a street fare, he cannot keep me for all the money in the world if he treats me like that.

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