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Husband financially dishonest to me

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Relationship advice My husband and i have been married for almost 6 years, we have been together 10 years. He has always been quiet about his finances and bills. It wasn't until after we were married that i decided to clean out the attic of his (now ours) house. I found a couple of very large boxes of unopened statements, bills, past due notices, debt collections notices, etc. i was mortified. So we sat down and had a chat (more like an argument) and he was very defensive making excuses. Yet he was buying video games and random unnecessary crap constantly. For a short while after that he actually would open bills, but not do anything with them. Had another "chat" in which he swore he would change, that we would be okay, blah blah blah. Fast forward a couple years-he has tried to go to college 3 times (2community college and 1 online). Ended up dropping out all times. He has generated debt in excess of $20 grand just in defaulted student loans, not to mention other bills (dentist, hospital, insurance, credit cards, other random purchases he couldn't afford). We get calls and notices daily from collections agencies-not one but multiple. Meanwhile, after several chats over the last few years, he still is not opening bills, sometimes even hides them from me. I had perfect credit before him, no huge debts. He has taken his credit card from my purse on a few occasions and bought stuff he didn't need. Early on in the marriage our electricity got shut off because had owed them over $1000. He is a decent man. He has a good job. I just find it hard to trust him anymore. He has refused to give up financial control to me so i can keep track of everything. I left him once for 3 months and ended up going back. I'm fed up with the BS and not sure what to do. I hate the thought of hurting him, but i don't want to sacrifice my future because of him. Help.

Husband financially dishonest to me

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Wow - I wonder if he's a compulsive gambler, too.

Your man has a buying problem and an avoidance - paying problem.

He should NOT be handling the family finances. I bet there are other bills you don't even know about. (check to see if he has re-mortgaged the house)

I don't know what to tell you. Except make sure your credit profile is far away from his.

Husband financially dishonest to me

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Don't know if this will be of some help to you as each man is different. My husband also before marriage was into debts. After marriage whenever we discussed finances or his pay it would get into a full blown fight. We too have got our electricity cut off multiple times just coz he wouldn't pay up on time. Wouldn't give the finances in my hands to handle (probably saw it as an indirect way of me telling him that he was no good at finances). He didn't have a good job too. I did consider leaving the marriage. Then thought I won't give up without a fight. I fought the circumstances in my own ways. First I got myself a good job and that helped us in adding to our finances. Each time I got my promotions it took our life one step better. My husband stuck with the same job and same pay for years. Still he wouldn't try for a new job. Any chat from my side always blew up to huge fights. I tried to save up secretly. Then one fine day he found out, and soon that was also back to zero. Thats when I decided I have to force him for a better paid job! Slowly I realised what kept him in the current job was his lack of confidence to explore further. I worked on that. Kept giving him confidence that he can do it and is capable of a higher paid job! He began growing in confidence and taking up newer responsibilities. Still wouldn't change job. So I took a huge risk. I forced him for a kid. I was worried just as him how we'd manage with a kid too when we couldn't manage finances with just two of us. But I decided to take that risk coz I figured out he always performs only when he is under huge pressure. It worked. When our son came along, he changed his job, started managing finances better. Today after 10 years, we are financially well off. I am a housewife. Our bills all get paid on time. To add to it he also takes full responsibility of household requirements thats to be purchased.

I did suggest this method to one of our friends too who was married and just had a daughter. I told her to keep talking about the future of their daughter, plans for her etc. Keep giving him an insight into what the expenses can be and how they would need to save up for it. She said it was working slowly. Then I asked her to leave her job for a while (She was frustrated with her job anyways and was planning to leave it). Said take a break from work so that might shake him up and get him more serious. She took a break of 4-5 months and now is working again. I guess things are getting ok, for them too.

All I can suggest to you is probably change your chat method (anyway its not working). Talk about the future, the expenses, the savings required etc. (Not pointing fingers at the present, just ask him how much we would need to earn for a good future, what must be our savings to take care of a time one of us get jobless etc.) Keep changing his direction of thinking into future. Then just in case discussion gets to bills, say we need more planning. Lets dedicate some days of the month to bill clearing. Let me also help you. We'll do this together.

If his expenses are not matching his pay then he does need a better paid job too. Think on those lines too.

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