Don't want to push him away =(
I am really hoping someone can help me. I feel like I have some major issues that I need to get worked out. Ok, so I have some MAJOR self esteem problems. My family has recently told me they have never in their life seen anyone with such low self esteem. The thing is, I have no reason to not have self esteem. Everyone tells me all the time how beautiful I am. Strangers on the street will walk up to me at random and tell my how beautiful I am. Guys ask me out all the time, sometimes the same guys repeatedly. I have an amazing family and amazing friends. I am smart and working on a college degree. Yet I have not an ounce of self esteem. I feel like it is holding me back in my current relationship. We have been together for almost 5 months and I feel as if these issues I have are keeping us from really becoming close. For instance, my boyfriend loves to stare at me. He knows I don’t like this. I don’t like men to just stare at me, it makes me even more self conscious. However, I can tolerate it if other men do it, but not my boyfriend. I have had a few boyfriends in the past but didn’t mind if they stared. Honestly, I knew it wouldn’t work out with them and didn’t care what they thought of me. But this guy, I care so much what he thinks. I have such low self esteem that I fear If he stares at me, he will find a flaw and leave me. I know this sounds crazy and probably doesn’t make any sense to someone that has never struggled with self esteem. He has told me that he thinks I’m beautiful and I don’t even need the makeup or fancy clothes to impress him. His exact words are that I try to hide my face from him. He says this because when he looks at me for a long period of time, I look away. He loves when I wear my hair up because he “can see my pretty face.” I think these issues may stem from the fact I think my nose is big. No one has ever told me that, I just think it is. People I have told this to just look at me and say they don’t see where I’m coming from because it isn’t big at all. My boyfriend is a very lovey dovey affectionate person. He likes to be close and he loves to stare at me. I just don’t like this. Maybe I’m some sort of freak, I don’t know. Also, I am a quiet person by nature. I always have been so I do also have trouble opening up to my boyfriend, letting him in. I feel like this in conjunction with me never letting him look at me is going to push him right out the door. The other night we were talking about us and he said he feels as if I have a hard time opening up to him. I told him I do but I feel like Ive came a long way. He said he can tell a little bit our relationship has changed, but for the most part, he doesn’t feel much has changed as far as me opening up in the last five months because “I won’t even let him look at me.” He said that if he can’t get close to me or look at me, we can’t be close and if we cant be close, we cant grow together, and if we can’t grow together, our relationship will wither eventually. I feel so bad for not being open and letting him stare at me all he wants, kiss me in public, whatever. I told him that I am so happy with him but don’t want us to have to stay together basically because I don’t know how long itll take me. He said “you seem awful eager to just give up.” I reassured him I’m not but I just don’t want him to feel like he has to hang around. He does do things I don’t like. I do things he don’t like. We piss each other off sometimes. Doesn’t every couple? Point being I don’t know if he is my “Mr. Right” yet. But right now, I hope he can potentially be one day…that is if my insecurities don’t push him away first. I know if he really cares, he will wait however long it takes. Anyone had this issue? How can I get self esteem? I am involved in many activities. People compliment me all the time, but nothing helps. What should I do within my relationship? Will take any advice I can get.
Personally I would not like someone staring at me for long periods of time..... and he should not be making you feel bad about that....
You are simply not ready!!!
Everybody gets self conscious it is human nature too , especially if you are good looking sometimes unwanted attention can make you feel crowded and comes with an expectation from others.....
I am going to advise you to seek counseling just book in for 5-8 sessions CBT therapy, I think it would be so beneficial for you..... I think your thoughts are skewed from what you see and what others see......
Do you have eating issue?
Are you a worrier ?
Mountain, I do not really want to see a counselor. I have seen one before over another small issue that I had and it didn't help. I don't think I will gain self esteem from a counselor, I think it is going to have to come from myself, deciding to view myself in a more positive light. I do not have an eating disorder, no. YES, I am a worrier...big time. Thanks for your help
You have a confidence problem - not a self esteem problem.
You have gotten along all this time from your looks - and you realize that this a false security. This is where your self SHAME comes in.
Because so much importance has been placed on your looks, you are scared that someone will see your imperfections - you are obsessed with your own flaws (hence, you think your nose is big). Then you get insecure because now your imperfect nose becomes all that you are - then you crash.
Your looks are not going to last - so get used to that. Your body is a fleeting shell and can be changed at any time.
So start NOW in developing your SELF as a young woman. Do volunteer work, or work with children or the elderly. There your looks won't be so special. Work on your athletic or artistic talents. Take karate. Take art or music lessons. Take acting or sewing lessons. Get OUT of yourself!!
Then - get a boyfriend who thinks more of you than just how you look. One that isn't so gaga about your face, but instead appreciates your mind (instead of your outside shell.)
Good luck. You may have been blessed - or cursed - with these looks.
Yes its only a confidence issue. Stop staring at yourself so much in detail when in front of the mirror. What you see in the mirror is only an appearance. People attach much more importance to a person's personality and character more than looks. One might be the most beautiful woman on earth but if ones character is not good can she find a person of her choice? Will people hang out with such a woman? No. So when you say you have amazing friends and get asked out a lot by guys, it means in addition to good looks you also have a good personality and character! Take your focus off the mirror and focus on your qualities. Take a paper and write down your positive qualities. Write down how many times you have helped people or made them feel good. Whenever someone pays you a compliment other than about your looks, put it down. Going through this paper time and again should increase your confidence.
Now about your nose. Since no one feels there is anything wrong with your nose, it should be fine! In case its a bit on the bigger side too, consider this fact that many famous people around the world too have had big noses.
As for your boyfriend staring at you. Most women will feel self conscious and will turn away. Either your boyfriend doesn't have that experience yet, or he is just playing with you on this. Well for a while when he is staring you can think he is looking at me with so much love, there is so much depth in this feeling and try to stare back into his eyes with all these thoughts. Might help for a while at least.
I know how it feels to have low self-esteem, and it is hard to deal with. The last thing you will want to do is seek professional help, i can see that, as i am the same. It is clear that your boyfriend loves you, but he obviously doesn't fully understand the major effects low self-esteem can have. It will help you to speak to someone who can find the route of your problem, and why you feel this way. Low self-esteem can be conquered by you, but its not easy. You should tell your boyfriend how you feel, although it might sound crazy its not.
You need to find a way that you can open up to him. Also it might help to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you were with someone who wouldn't open up to you? Most likely that they don't want to be with you, so its understandable that he thinks you might not want to be with him.
Many people with low self-esteem or low confidence generally will find that this is stemmed from something in their past. You say like you feel that you have a big nose...has anyone ever said that to you in the past, even as a child?
But if you feel a strong connection with this guy whatever you do, don't give up. Even if it doesn't work out, at least you can say you have tried. Hopefully you will find the answers you are looking for
A college age boy will have neither the expertise, training or patience to listen to a "beautiful" girl whine about her imperfect nose.
That's a good way to make a guy run away.
Thats true. When your boyfriend cannot understand why you turn away when he is staring, don't expect he can handle you complaining about your looks! Its a sure shot way of getting him to run away from you.