Wish he would just stop it already =(
Ok so here goes. My boyfriend and I haven’t been together a whole awful long time…a little over four months. IN the beginning, he would always tell me how beautiful I am and he thought I was the prettiest girl in the world. I would just laugh and not pay much attention to him; Im not good at taking compliments, as you may know from a previous post on confidence issues. Anyway, he knows I have these self esteem problems. It seems like this started out as a small problem but has gotten bigger over time…. When we watch a movie with a “hot” girl, he will say things about how good looking she is. He isn’t crude or anything. He will just say “man, shes hot!” or I always thought she was attractive. On the same hand, he will also tell me the celebs he thinks are ugly. He’ll say things like “I never really thought she was pretty.” Of course these celebs are beautiful, they’ve spent thousands of dollars for surgery to make them look perfect. I just feel REALLY bad about myself when he says these things. I feel like when he says them, it directly affects his love for me. He only says this about famous women though. He has never gawked at or made a comment about a “real” woman, while we were out and about, on a date or whatnot. I can’t imagine if he did that. Everytime he says these things, I feel like I am being stabbed in the heart. I’m not trying to sound like a drama queen but it REALLY hurts me when he says it. These women are very beautiful but I think he should keep his opinions of them to himself. I have told him this bothers me before (it killed me to admit it because Id love nothing more than to act like it didn’t phase me). He still does it though sometimes. When I say something relating to it hurting my feelings, his response is “its not like I can do anything with them. Have a little faith in me and have a little confidence in yourself.” I want to be the girl with high self esteem and no man can bring me down. But sadly, that’s not me. I’m such a weirdo when he says these things. I know deep down, he says it and doesn’t think anything else of it. But me, I sulk for hours once I get home, deeply hurt because of what he said. The other night we watched a movie and he said something about three different women on the movie. One was “Hot” one was “pretty” and one he just said “woah.” One time he even said, “she’s pretty hot isn’t she babe?” I said yes and told him he should stop and his response was, “OH, I mean…..she’s ugly.” This of course made me even more mad but I just dropped it. These women he said those things about were average looking. It s not like they were Pamela Anderson or some bombshell supermodel. Sometimes I wonder if he does it to make me jealous. Ive read that guys will do it just to see if their girl cares … but he KNOWS I care so that makes no sense. I have said things about attractive men celebs before and he was very jealous and it sort of made me happy showing he cared what I thought…so maybe he feels good when I show I care what he thinks? Anyway, I need help. And NO im not a crazy obsessive girlfriend. Normally, I’m not jealous. When he goes out with friends, I trust him. This is not a trust issue. I don’t just sit at home and think about him all the time. I have a life and activities I do outside of him. Its just when he says these things, it eats and eats and eats at me and I can’t stand it.I think one reason it hurts so much is that I have read articles saying when a man is truly in love, he will no longer notice other women. Then again, I have read articles saying although men are in a relationship or even married, they will still notice. I’m sitting there biting my tongue while he says these things. Is this normal for such a petty thing to hurt me? Guys, do you do this to your gf? Girls, does it bother you when your guy does this? Is this normal for guys to do this? Other than this problem, I’m pretty happy with the way things are going.
God loves you and your boy friend
MSDAISY - I do really care for him. This is the only thing he does that I hate.I know a LOT of men do this so I hate to let it be the deciding factor on our relationship..simply because the next guy will likely do the same thing :/
Hey as a woman I kind of get what you are saying.
MEDIA is the cause of this...... you know that world is unrealistic and no real women can measure up to that expectation.
Do not measure yourself by this unrealistic standard. You are caught in a endless cycle that will take all the good in you and prevent you from growing.
Your fella has grown up in this world where emphasis is on the surface and perfection, superficial idea of beauty is splashed everywhere, tv, internet , even on the streets in clubs, the female as an object.
It hurts as a woman.... how can we ever measure up?
These are the thoughts that can go through one's head. Please understand that your fella is not intelligent...... and is only showing you that he has no depth..... to do this repeatedly while knowing it is damaging you..... he then challenges you by saying 'you should have more self confidence' there it is right there.... he is fully aware of what he is doing. Nasty.
I know it is only one thing you say that bothers you about him. But this one thing speaks volumes. He himself is so insecure that he has found something to make his girl feel bad about and small.... so he uses it to give HIM power.
The reason it gives him power is because he sees you upset..... and to make it even worse is that he HIMSELF knows that it is hurtful ...... ( you said in your post that when you remarked on someone he got jealous).
This is a learned behavior that he is using to protect himself..... deep down I say knows you are too good for him ....... which you are.....WHEN YOU realize this you will be gone.
I remember when I was younger meeting so many guys that did this..... it is awful. Its a guy thing it is like when they see a nice car.....but this is something different....
Bottom line though is you told him your vulnerability and now he uses it against you.....
I think that is what is upsetting here that you are not being listened too... you say im hurt he says oh well........
He is a hypocrite and I can tell you that there is many guys out there that know how to treat a lady..... someone with some intelligence that sees beyond the media world.
This is taking something valuable from you..... I think you have reached a point in your relationship where you need to be assertive...... directly tell him to stop if he gets the hump bin him........ you do not need to put up with this .......
I think sensitivity, open mindedness, intelligence are qualities that you value in a guy.... they are important for a relationship, nurturing the other person..... that is missing here......
You have got to decide if you are going to torture yourself further in order for him to not give up this childish behavior ..... these are comments and he is a bully......
I think you are too good for him.... and need someone more mature and intelligent ..... relationships are there to teach us about ourselves......
Thanks everyone for the advice. MOUNTAIN, your advice made a lot of sense. I have shown him my vulnerability and he has taken advantage of it. I'm just so unsure what to do. Like I mentioned I hate to break things off because of this, but don't know if I could spend my life with such a man as him. I feel like if I broke up with him because of this, word would spread that "she broke up with because she was so jealous!" Also, I too have wondered if he thinks I'm too good for him. I just feel like these are things he should tell his friends, not me. When I told him this, he said to be in a relationship, we have to be lovers and friends and so I am a friend to him as well. Thanks again for the advice =) Very helpful=)
Hey there I know exactly how you are feeling. You have to remember what attracted him to you in the first place. He obviously liked you for you or else he wouldnt be spending time with you watching movies. From experience I think that you should tell him straight up.. Be confident be fiesty be a woman and say: Shut the fuck up or Start complimenting guys in real life and movies and see if it bothers him.
A real relationship you can be yourself and your partner will still love you
if you have to pretend to be someone else in front of him HES NOT FOR YOU AND YOUR WASTING YOUR TIME
Trust me I know I am 20 years old now and have had plenty of meaningless relationships in the past. My current relationship has actually showed me the attributes of a real relationship.
Thanks everyone. The thing that makes it hard is that everything else he does shows that he loves me. People even talk about how in love he seems with me. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am .. it just hurts when he says celebrities are pretty. I just don't want to break up because this is the only thing I don't like. I have told him before I hate it and he said he would stop if I really didn't like it. I'm stupid...I felt like a jealous immature little kid so I said, "well, you don't have to." but my actions show I hate it. Do you all think this is a reason to leave? I love everything about him, but if he does it again, I think I'm just going to get up and walk out...and never go back.
Please notice my previous comment in addition to this one. When we go out, men always stare at me. I get a lot of attention from men, I always have. This is sort of strange because I don't particualry think I'm that attractive. Women never look at him when we are out. Which is also strange because I think he is attractive. I know he notices the attention I get. Does anyone think this would have anything to do with the problem? Maybe his way of "getting back at me" or "cutting me down a notch" ??
Notice: These are fantasy women. There is NO way they are going to respond to him. He is being immature and provocative.
He knows this gets your goat. Why does he do it? Does he like to tease. Perhaps it is passive-aggressive.
The fact that he keeps doing it means he is either very impulsive - or he wants to get you where you are the weakest (thinking that you are the beauty you keep talking about)