No longer sexually attracted to my wife
This is my first time talking about this, so please excuse me if I do something wrong. I've lost sexual attraction for my wife. She was always a little thick(I like a little thick), but she is now obese. I don't find obese attractive. She used to be very out going sexually, but now she sits on the couch all day and complains about everything, including her weight. I've tried helping her and tried to get her to do something physical to help her feel better about herself. She doesn't want to. She doesn't respond when i "make a move", then complains that we don't have sex enough. I often find myself obsessing about other women. Women that have a more feminine figure. I watch a lot of porn. I've had quite a few offers for sex which rarely happened when I was single. I haven't cheated. I quit drinking and going out(to avoid any temptation). I also have an unhealthy obsession with large breasts. I'm trying to be a good guy. I love her so much as a person. I love her personality. Physically she doesn't do it for me anymore. Any advice?
Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Choose your words carefully but tell her she has let go of herself and what this is doing to you. Maybe you coud both take up a healthy routine which will help in supporting her.
its a good thing you have stayed faithful. That shows you both can work this out together.
You wife sounds depressed.
Accompany her to counseling ASAP.
If she does not go, then go alone.
Wow that is a tough one...I know as I've been there. What I did was finally got up enough gutts and said to her ,"Babe This is hard for me but I have to discuss something with you. I don't know how to say it but it has to be discussed, I am so in love with you babe so it makes it even harder to say but here it is...You are letting yourself go Babe,You don't want to do anything anymore,and therefore you have put on poundage.and babe,I am not attracted to heavy women. I dont want to hurt your feelings ,or loose you in any way so please help me out here...
If you go to speak to her on this issue, I am damn sure it will blow up into a huge issue. Try to avoid that. Either take her for counseling if she has some issue or I suggest you try to be a little romantic with her first. Buy her flowers, gifts, romantic outings, cook for her etc. Then when the mood is good, take her to buy lingerie. That should make her want to lose weight to fit into those that she sees in the shop. If she talks about weight loss, then you pitch in and get her help for it. May I ask whats your wife's age?
First off, don't feel too guilty. While watching porn isn't the best thing in the world, it is better than actually cheating on your wife, so kudos for that. Not many men would've stayed faithful. Try to remember what attracted you to your wife in the first place? Was it her rocking body? Was it her quirky, funny personality? Was it her undeniable charm that had you mesmerized? Shes still the same woman, you know. She just needs to be reminded of that! Start complimenting her more and you will likely see a change in her. She will probably start trying harder. Think of things you can do TOGETHER, instead of just you all the time....like working out TOGETHER, or maybe even watching porn TOGETHER. Heck, do anything together. This will closen your bond and maybe ignite a spark that you are currently missing. Just remind yourself that the woman you fell in love with that used to really get you going...is still there. You just need to awaken this. DONT make any drastic decisions and cheat on her. You will regret this. Have you stopped doing things for her that you used to? Did you used to compliment her more? Buy her roses? Surprise her with dinner? Maybe if you start doing what you used to, she will return the favor. Just saying. Hope it works out =)
Thank you everyone. First off, we do everything together...Everything. I am constantly doing things for her just so she doesn't have to get up off the couch. I was never very romantic and she knew that from the beginning. She never had a "rockin" bod but her sexual hunger and amazing personality made up for it. She also has a gorgeous face, which I remind her of daily. Now whenever I compliment her, she turns it into pitty. She turns my compliment around into a way of bringing up her weight, if that makes any sense. I've never called her fat. I've offered to work out with her. She's so negative now that sometimes I try to get away. We're both in our early 30's. I don't want to make her feel bad, but at the same time I don't want to suffer for the rest of my life to keep her somewhat happy. As far as the porn goes...every guy watches it. I don't watch an unhealthy amount of it...but enough to relieve myself.
Hey I can empathize, you say you give positivity to her and she turns it into a negative. she has gotten used to this cycle. She will not change unless she gets a wake up call.
If not just for health reasons her health also and she will continue to gain more weight.
Do you both want kids or have kids? that may be a motivation for her.....
How about booking a holiday for a few months time and give her a goal to aim for....
I do think you need to discuss this with her , it will be hard ( but there is no nice way to say it).
She is indirectly rejecting you sexually.....
Does she know you watch porn? How does she feel about that? Both of you are lonely, what the hell happened, her weight gain is a symptom for something else..... your porn watching is too.
I am going to suggest counseling ..... it can get to the root and hopefully it will be resolved.
You could always show her these posts, sometimes when you see something written down can have a lasting impact.....
Thank you all again. I've tried everything you have mentioned except counciling. Sex has been off the table. Not because of me, but she'd disagree. I guess we need to go see a shrink. What's everyone's problem with porn? I, like all males, am visually stimulated. I've watched some form of pornography since I was able to masturbate. She knows I watch porn. It's not a bad thing. Literally EVERY guy watches porn unless he's got some crazy sex life. If your spouse/boyfriend says he doesn't, he's lying and won't admit it in order to keep you happy. The reason I'm going off about this is because it keeps getting brought up. I should have rephrased my original statement to "I watch enough porn to relieve my sexual frustration." Porn isn't the problem. As a reply to one of the posters... Yes we've watched porn together before, it did nothing. I prefer the real thing.
After more info from you, I guess your problem is you are doing too much for her! Sometimes we need to act lazy too.
I will support the porn watching, coz when you face sexual rejection in marriage, porn acts like a life line to help you stop cheating.
Anyway after reading all you have told I feel you have only 2 options to sustain your marriage.
1. Counseling - She surely needs this. She herself is worried of her weight but is frustrated about it too. She has got so entangled in this that it is getting negative and is boiling over in all directions over you marriage. Convince her for counseling.
2. Speak to her about the sex issue, without mentioning obesity in any indirect terms. Tell her lets seriously analyse what we each can do to improve our sex life. Like playing more sex games, flirting with each other, leaving naughty messages, trying unexplored things in sex etc. I agree you must have tried some of these with her and it might not have worked but the difference here is you are trying to get her on the same page as you are.
Another thing is does she like dance classes? May be she (or if you are also interested you both) can join some classes like that? Some activity that she enjoys doing outside the house.
One more trick that can be used may be that you hint to her that other women are hitting on you but for you she is the most important so you have turned them down. That would shake her slightly that she has competition making her try a bit harder to improve the situation. Sometimes you get complacent about relationships and it goes to the back and some mild shocks get your focus back.